runnin' on empty

I realized that one of the reasons why I was able to survive Thursday - i.e. no sleep was the weather - it was sunny for the first time in a year. The coke helped, though, get me through my MIT class - and then I met Chris and the kids at Harvest. I was searching forever for the right mix of Dr. Weil remedies for Liam's ecsema - I was definitely on slow drive. We did a little shop and then Chris got on the T to head to North Carolina. Now what?

It had been so long that I had been out with the kids in the car. It was a sunny afternoon, and I wanted to take them somewhere fun - in theory, but what I really wanted to do was take them home, plant them in front of the TV and take a nap. Instead, I asked them what they wanted to do (novel idea, eh?), and Liam said he wanted to go to the plant shop and buy a plant. Ah, a plan, that's what a sleep-deprived person needs, so we headed over to Pemberton's, a pseudo plant store/upscale deli that doesn't quite accomplish either, but it was the best we had. Rather than explore the indoor/outdoor plant selection, though, the kids just wanted to ride in the cart. Had I urbanized my kids so much already? Anyway, Liam picked out an awesome spider plant. Then I eyed the deli. It didn't take me more than a second to pick up dinner - I was too lazy to even pop a frozen pizza in the oven - I just wanted to take food out of a container and have it ready for my beloved kids (and me).

On the ride home, we passed a big park. Liam wanted to stop - so we did. Another beauty of being so tired - that I had no plans that I was worried about breaking - maybe I should pull allnighters more often? Or maybe just drop acid. The kids had a blast. It was strange, though, I haven't spent that much time in Cambridge/Somerville parks. We are so spoiled in Berkeley! There was a tricycle, and Liam ran over to get on it, and a Mom screamed at him to get off because it wasn't his. Oops. Fortunately, later, I intervened before Kalian suffered the same fate. But as it was approaching 5pm, I could tell that my exhaustion was sinking in - I was having less and less patience for Liam. He was trying to play with two older girls - they were being sweet, but clearly did not want to engage in all of his antics. Part of me wanted to protect him from being disappointed by them. Part of me wanted to explain to them why he struggles socially. The reality is that he's a little kid that needs the space to explore relationships and play.

When we got home I was clearly wearing down. We ate dinner and then I popped in "The Sound of Music" - Kalian fell asleep around 8 - I put her to bed and in my exhausion was hoping that Liam would do the same. Instead, at 9pm, he said how much he missed Daddy, and then he wanted to write him a note, so we proceeded to make notes/pictures and then what turned into an epic late night project of a "book." As I was reading books to Liam, I kept falling asleep - he kept trying to wake me up. I finally gave up and told him I couldn't and turned out the light. Who knows when he fell asleep. At 11.30, Kalian woke up - I went to go get her - I was so out of it that I brought her into bed with me thinking it was later (we usually wait til 5am to bring her into bed and breastfeed), but I managed to settle her into bed without giving her ama. We were drifting off to sleep when Liam fell out of our bed. He started wailing. I brought him back into bed, and Kalian let loose and started to cry. I started losing my temper. I have been struggling with this a lot lately - I sometimes yell at my kids (gasp). It always feels horrible, and I know it isn't helpful for them. I just yelled, "stop it." For some weird reason, they both quieted down and we all fell asleep. I just hope that isn't a lesson for me.