shaking on the 2nd day of school

I feel pretty comfortable speaking in public after having touring with my documentary, but as I was waiting in line to introduce myself today, I felt my heart pounding. It's been awhile.

We were all gathered at the Forum - and when I say "we" I mean all 211 mid-career students and all of the summer faculty and staff, which always looks forward to the Student Intros. Basically, we each had 20 seconds to say something personal and interesting about ourselves. I had thought of a few options. Lesley suggested humor and even singing if the spirit moves you.

I ended up saying something like...."About five years ago I directed a documentary that featured Tiger Woods and rebel guerrilas in the Philippines. That same year, I played a yoga student in a terrible Madonna movie. But this year? My film work featured the homebirth of my baby and the antics of my three year old."

At the last minute I added, "and I'm probably the least conservative person here."

I added that last comment because as I listened to everyone else's intros - it was done alphabetical, so I was toward the end - a number of military and non-military folks proudly stated that they were Republicans or even that they were the most conservative person there." Just thought I'd shake it up a bit. And shake I did.

After I returned to my seat, my hands were shaking, just like they were at my wedding. Anyway, there were a number of military folks there who had just gotten back from Iraq, along with a number of Israelis, who seem to have at least 10 people here. Afterwards, I met an Israeli diplomat who was so well poised. She commented how shocked she was at all of the TV news coverage of their attack on Lebanon.

Afterwards, a number of people came up and commented about being the least conservative, including one of the army dudes who said that he was the most. He was generous and warm. It's so eerie. A number of international students asked what I meant by conservative - they didn't realize we had all meant politically - or at least I did.

One of these people (from Chile - forgetting everyone's names) - then recounted how challenging and liberating it was to come from an environment where he had drivers, nannies, cooks, basically a whole staff for his entire life and he is now here with his family and 5 kids and having to set up everything else. He said it felt great to put together IKEA furniture for his family. Tres interesante - though he did deadpan without realizing it, of course, that he then had to hire two people to finish the job. On the one hand I can totally relate because it took us forever to put together Kalian's crib that we got at Ikea, but on the otherhand, I have no empathy.

This is totally a school of oppressors, world leaders and some do gooders but I have yet to meet other radical activists. We'll see. It'll probably happen eventually.

Then another army guy approached me. I was bracing for another "conservative" comment. Instead, he asked me about my homebirth experience. He was interested in the videotaping because he commented about how all of the homebirth videos he and his wife had watched (!) looked like they were made in the 80s - Chris always commented about hte same thing, though more like the 70s. Anyway, it was such a hoot that an army guy (though his wife does teach yoga) would have done a homebirth and was asking me about my birth stories. Too funny, especially the part about the army paying for it!

The other folks of interest - the prime minister of Tanzania, a Puerto Rican activist - have to seek her out... I've probably most enjoyed chatting with the folks from other countries, though quite a few eastern europeans talked about wanting to become presidents of their countries.

Overall, I wonder if I have ended up with a bunch of other high strung perfectionists who care so much about what other people think. Is that why we're at Harvard? Is that why I'm here?

It did feel like a good day - though letting down made me so incredibly sad. I feel like I'm abandoning my kids - Chris is so fabulous, but it's more about me and my guilt over mothering.

Oh, and I wore a slightly darker shade - pink - my burning moms shirt today - and had my hair in ridiculous pig tails for my Harvard ID - what was I thinking?