random random

I'm simultaneously grouchy and very excited about life right now. Just tried to get up with Chris. I had left him some messages and stupidly picked up the phone in the computer lab, where I shouldn't have picked up the phone, but I did, so I told him I had to call him right back. He wasn't too happy, and I couldn't reach him again.

I'm tired and hungry. Ate lunch at 11.30 - was starving - was glad Susan suggested I did after our study group to work on this really long and involved problem set, though I am glad that I am able to at least comprehend everything that's happening in the class

I'm still so perplexed about my classes. I love Chris Stone's class - teaching wise, he's just about the best I've ever had, but I just don't think I can cope. Ireally want to keep up with this blog and maybe apply to grad school and with the equivalent of 5 classes, I just don't think it will happen.

Stupidly (why am I beating myself up?) yesterday I went to get some quant help from deb. i was waiting for her outside her office, which happens to be next to chris stone's. Being fairly confident I was going to drop his class, I said, "I really enjoy your class, you're a great professor." which was sincere, but what I should have blurted out was also, "but i'm going to have to drop it." Deb was very helpful and patient. She is a powerhouse in the mathematical world and has won all sorts of teaching awards. She's a great teacher, but I feel very insecure every time I ask a teacher for help. I have a hard time thinking on my feet - or thinking too clearly when I'm asked a question and someone is watching me think. I think that's why being a director on film shoots was always so challenging. I alwasys thought I had to have my sh-- together first before acting.

So here is the classic dilemma. I really want to go do some yoga. My body is begging for it. I just can't justify blogging, doing yoga and going to this talk tonight. I have to make some real choices and it's tough. It's the same problem I have cutting down my courses. I love all of them, but criminal justice will just have to go, I think, but I keep delaying it. If I do the math, it's almost 3 hours/week in class plus at the very minimum, and if I cheat, just 2 hours per week on the reading, so that's 5 hours/week - it doesn't include writing the paper. Other issues are wanting to go to this conference, applying to grad school, etc. etc. I'm being repetitive, but that's the circle that's going around in my head. I just want to hunker down in my classes, and I can't yet because everything is still up in the air.

I'm also feeling massive guilt about Liam being at preschool so much and from being away from the kids so much.

Finally got my laptop up and running. I feel like there are so many settling in things I need to do that are just taking forever, and the semester will be over before I know it.

I turn 40 in 10 days. Yikes. I can't believe it.