Schizo Mommy

This week continues to challenge us as we navigate our new schedule before settling into a routine with the kids in preschool. I was supposed to watch Liam this morning while Chris took Kalian to Co-op for the whole morning for her first day of school. Let me say that again. For her first day of school! My baby. Ok, it's just a toddler program a few mornings/week, but it was still her first day.

However, in my quest to figure out classes for the coming year, I had only been able to schedule a meeting with NP, the director of the Shorenstein Center on Politics and the Press, for 10 am. I had tried to figure out all kinds of confusing childcare arrangements, but Chris finally said he could stay with Kalian for 45 minutes and then leave her for awhile and "relieve me" (sounds horrible - he didn't say it like that) of Liam duty. It all started out like clockwork. I got to do about 45 minutes of yoga this morning. (My back has been killing me, so I have had to really modify my practice), and then we all headed out to K's school - at a church in Porter Square.

We took pictures, and then Liam and I got his bike out and set out to look for a park. After getting directions, we set out north on Mass Ave. After a block or so, we passed a fire station. A very nice firefighter invited us in. He then proceeded to spend a generous 30 minutes letting him sit in the driver's seat, pick up the boots and helmet and sitting in the paramedic van, etc. etc. Liam was at first shy and said he didn't want to, but of course he was thrilled during and afterwards.

We then went back to the parking lot of the church, where we were to meet Chris. He came out 10 minutes late - normally not a big deal, but I had to get to this meeting, so I was grouchy, and he said that Kalian was very upset. I snapped at him, he snapped back, and then we got in the car. Apparently, the woman who was supposed to watch Kalian while Chris left instead tended to her own family for awhile, so Kalian was trapped in that zone of Dad saying goodbye but not leaving for another 10 minutes. Wah! My baby. She's always been so mellow, so it was hard to hear. She had done great with the fabulous Inga the night before - just crying a bit after realizing we were gone.

More on Kalian in a bit...

So I barely made it to the K school on time. I was pretty sure I knew the name of the woman I was meeting, but I was worried that I didn't have the right name and wasn't sure of her office number, so I raced into the computer lab to look it up. I then rushed (again, that rushing) to the bathroom and then up to the Shorenstein center. When I found her office (with some help) I apologized for being a minute late. A minute late? Who apologizes for a minute late?

She asked me how I was doing, adjusting, etc. and I replied that it was going well, that I had enjoyed the summer program but that it was a stressful time as we were making so many family adjustments, like new schools for the kids. We then had a pretty decent discussion about her take on courses, professors, etc. The career counselor that had referred me to her had told me that she had twins, and I saw the child drawings on her wall, so I asked her about her kids.

We chitchatted a few minutes, and then I said, "May ask you a personal and professional question?" She said I could, so I told her I felt challenged by how to project myself as a professional and a mother - that I had done an "oops" after sending her an e-mail. In it, I said that I could meet at her proposed time of 10am but that later in the afternoon was better for me because of childcare issues. I regretted it - why do I always need to define myself as a mother, yet that has been my life and is certainly an integral part of who I am now. However, will I continue to use that as an excuse if I can't make a date or finish an assignment? It's real, but will I just be pigeonholed into a less than competent student/prof'l because of the mom baggage? I didn't ask her all of this, but I did mention that the last 4 years or so I've mostly had a community of women around me - and sympathetic men/yoga students, etc. - and now I'm not wearing the mom hat so prominently. How do you do it??!!??

She first answered by telling me that at a recent center event, everyone went around and introduced themselves by telling something personal. An older dad proudly spoke of his two young sons. She said that she would never ever do that. She saw it as a way of defining herself at work, rather than as the director of the center - i.e. a professional. I'm choosing the word professional but I also see something like "activist" or a number of other ID's aside from a mother. Again, these should not be separate, but am I trying to survive in this world outside motherhood?

During our discussion, that felt great to have, my cell phone quietly buzzed. I apologized, knowing it was Chris. Sure enough, during this meeting, he had to rush back over to the co-op to pick up Kalian who was screaming and miserable - she was crying for us as I was talking about motherhood. Hmmm....