to PhD or not PhD

I'm in quite a funk right now. I'm finally settled and feel good (actually excited) about all of my classes, but I'm not at all settled on what next year is going to bring for us.

I thought that once I started school and realized how much work it would be that I would just want to be done this year and get my academic/research jonesin' out of the way. Hardly. I'm soaking up a book i'm reading on qualitative research like it's candy. I really do want to continue on and get a PhD but I just can't imagine a family scenario where that would work. It's really bumming me out.

Understandably, Chris doesn't want to move to a new place next year. He'd be OK with staying here or going back to the Bay Area, and both of us really want to go back home to Oakland. I'm really missing everyone and everything (except the crack house next door). The problem? There are no doctoral programs in the Bay Area that fit exactly what I want to do. Where are they? Philadelphia, L.A., Seattle, NYC. None of these places I really want to live.

It's just tough to imagine having the kids in full-time care somewhere 'cuz we just can't afford to have Chris have time off next year - and right now I have the dreamiest of all student/mom situations having C doing full-time dad/homemaker work. We can't sustain this over the course of the next few years. Or can we? We could sell the house, but then all of our equity would be down the toilet. Just for two more years, perhaps? Til Kalian is 4? Yeah, that would take all of our equity. Yikes. Chris could maybe work half time??? But that's not even the main issue - the main issue is building and sustaining community.

OK, attention all women in their early 20s - make sure you do absolutely everything you want to do career-wise before pumpin' out those babes. I'm really sad and confused about the whole thing. Today in the NYT there was an article by a woman academic on why she hadn't had kids yet - I wanted to quickly e-mail her - don't do it! don't do it!

Of course, when I say stuff like this I feel incredibly guilty 'cuz I love my two kidlets more than I ever imagined.....but more guilty admissions...sometimes at night I can't wait til I put Liam to bed so I can go back to studying! Ok, maybe some of it is that it's just darned difficult for me to stay connected to them. I really miss the days when I could just do whatever the heck I wanted - in bourgeoise moderation, of course.

When I really think through the scenarios, though, if we did move somewhere for me to go to grad school, I would have to then try to get a teaching position somewhere in 5-6 years and then we would have to move AGAIN - and what about wanting to do a stint abroad with the kids? Where does that fit in to everything? Do I really want an all out full-on research pressured lifestyle?

When I think about it I really do want to be able to hang out with the kids more and be part-time. Maybe I should just stop right there cockadoodledoodledoo (anyone who gets that reference gets a box of chocolates.)