mama goes to memphis

One of the few times the last four years that I could sleep in - what did I do? I got up at 4am and jumped in a taxi and headed to the airport. I brought a nearly-empty small backpack. I had an hour before my plane left for Memphis. The easy life. After shlepping kids and gear through countless airports, I didn't know what to do with myself with all of that free time. I could actually go to the bathroom without drama, buy a bagel without sharing it and pick up a newspaper without interruption. I could even take an emergency exit seat - generally reserved for the solo traveller. Who can complain of travelling when kids aren't involved?

I arrived at the National Conference for Media Reform by 9am on Saturday. I quickly tried to orient myself and focus my time there. It was a lot of money and time away from family to get me there, and I wanted to make it "worth" it (career-wise). After picking up my conference bag that was heavier than my backpack, I made my way into three different workshops during the first session. I decided that I could use my time more "efficiently" if I walked around the booths - I wanted to schmooze with with folks from various groups, as well as academics. I met some mildly interesting people (the memphis paper's guild local had been trying to get a contract for three years) but I mostly started to feel like coming to Harvard for a year was a waste - the people at these booths - many of whom were senior staff were half my age.

But then I spied Chris Kromm, a great friend from NC - who is the editor of Southern Exposure - it felt grounding to run into him. We chatted for awhile and then made plans to meet for dinner.

Overall, I just felt for the rest of the day like I was incredibly inarticulate about my rap. When people asked me where I was from and/or what I did - I stumbled over my words - Mass/Calif/NC...student/filmmaker/activist - all true but not very succinct.

The two workshops that intrigued me on Saturday was 1. labor and the media 2. digital divide - both were relatively weak and poorly attended - maybe 25-50/each. Meanwhile, the workshop on the role of the media in covering the war in iraq garnered close to 1500 people. Understandable but frustrating, in terms of how to build our movement on the grassroots level.

In the late afternoon, I was feeling incredibly confused about where I was going. I walked into the bathroom and overheard a cell phone conversation about a woman who was under incredible stress in her new role in academia - ouch. I then walked out and was looking at the general lit table, just trying to avoid having to schmooze. I struck up a conversation with a woman standing there, though, and she said something so wonderful to me when I struggled to explain my interests of media representation of the poor and the web 2.0 divide - she said, "Of course, it's hard - you're giving birth to something.

This really helped ground me. Soon after I ran into Jen Soriano, a SF friend from The Golf War distribution days - this also felt simultaneously wonderful and also frightening - that my last big work project was over 5 years ago. I headed over to the Consumers Union cocktail party - had some lame-o literal cocktail conversations and then ran into Chris again chatting with the Utne Reader editors - it felt good to be among companeros. Chris and I then headed down to the Marriot restaurant for dinner. While we were waiting in line, I said, let's head down to Beale street. So we had a nice walk in Memphis to the touristy but fun blues area of the city through fun art deco buildings, had great southern food and a nice conversation and then headed back.

We sat in the main conference hall to hear some of the headliner speakers - interesting comments from the MA congressmember on the telcom committee. Since I have been studying these issues this whole last semester and my whole adult life (structural critiques of the corporate media) - I didn't feel like I was learning much at the conference, but for some reason Geena Davis' talk on gender issues really struck me. After she finished, I went back to my hotel room - I thought I'd decompress, watch a movie and chill. As soon as I laid down, turned on the TV, I was fast asleep...

I got up in plenty of time for the main session I wanted to attend at the conference - the academic overview session - folks around the country researching these issues - all of the heavy hitters that I have been studying - they gave great presentations. I was trying to put myself out there and was going to stand up quickly (I've been learning at other workshops) to ask a few questions. But when it was time, a half dozen other folks stood up and I hesitated - and ended up missing my opportunity - (after going to the bathroom to have a little cry) I finally decided to just go up and stand in line even though the facilitator - the now famous bob mcchesney and organizer of the conference - a prof I'd love to study with but who lives where Chris would not want to live - rural Illinois. Anyway, of course, I didn't get to put myself out there - afterwards I tried to introduce myself to one of the panelists, with whom I had talked earlier in the semester - of course, he didn't remember me. Doh! Then I tried talking to a staff person inquiring about listservs - he was very dismissive - ugh. I then swirled around - these were all of the people that are/would be my peers and I felt at a loss - I knew how to schmooze - but in the academic world it just felt strange - if I weren't going to apply to their programs....still I wanted to but felt overwhelmed. I went to the bathroom to cry and then just took a taxi back to the airport.

Fortunately, I had an amazing conversation with the cab driver, who had a great analysis of the labor movement post-Reagan - again, very grounding - much rather chat with him than most anyone else at the conference. I also got to sit next to a guy I had briefly met at the conference, who had tried to organize a union at a Vermont paper - that Media News/Dean Singleton had destroyed.

Despite the ice storms and one layover each between Chris/kids and me, we managed to coordinate our trips enough so Chris picked me up on his way home from the Providence airport. The best part of coming home was Kalian waking up when I brought her in and I had lots of breastmilk for her...



horrible morning - sunday - not going to the podium - trying to introduce myself

overall good - forced me to realize i'm not sure what i'm doing...