what's quality time?

I came home early today. I didn't think a meeting would go through with my prof, and I have been too antsy about my coursework to settle into studying. I did manage to go to a STATA - i.e. computer programming class today for my quant course that focuses on regression.

Anyway, I picked up Liam from preschool - bought a guilty mom purchase on the way home of fruit leather for Liam and Kalian - and then planned on hanging out with them until going to an event tonight (Berkman Center on Internet and Society - of the Hvd Law School) - anyway, a few times I found myself on the computer - first to check to see the location of the event and to send an e-mail to the coordinator since I wasn't sure of the location - and then to check to see if I got an e-mail back from her - simple enough, but, of course, once I get online it's so tough to just do one little task - so tempting to check and send e-mail - talk about Internet and Society - such a time sucker.

It still wasn't that much time, but after the second on-line excursion, Chris simply said that he thought I was going to be home to spend time with the kids. I immediately got defensive. "What do you mean specifically?" I then espoused my parenting philosophy of allowing kids to experience their parents doing their natural work and rhythm rather than catering to every whim of your kid. I even went into attack mode with Chris - saying that I had seen the sports section on the bed when we had come home from the hospital from Kalian's eye bashing experience - implying that Chris doesn't entertain or play with the kids all of the time, too.

While what I was doing is innocent enough, I do feel like I have a problem just being with my kids. I quickly start reading a book or newspaper, checking something online or doing other work. I'm not talking about the normal routine of any family. I have a problem spending 5-10 focused minutes at a time with the kids - sure I do more - but it usually involves lots of physical play or reading - I have a hard time engaging Liam's creative play. Sure, I do it a lot - like last night, we had a lot of fun while Liam got out this new picnic set and set up a tea party for us - though, adorably enough, he wanted to have real tea - which became a problem when the innocent black tea bag we put in his cup suddenly found water in it - not the best 4 year old night time relaxant. But, I digress - perhaps to show myself and all of you that yes, I do play with my kid - but I just don't have the patience that I see other parents - i.e. Chris - having to sit and play for awhile on the floor, which is definitely an issue with Liam - he doesn't like me sitting on the couch b/c that means, obviously, I'm not playing with him. Sometimes, I'm so pathetic-ly sitting on the couch that Liam lifts this huge (and I mean huge) lego box up onto the couch, so I will interact with him.

He's definitely needed more of our adult time after moving out here - who could blame him, but now that I'm in school full-time, I don't feel like I am able to offer the quantity or the quality time that he needs - when I was mostly a work-at-home mom, my lack in quality was made up, I rationalized, by lots of quantity.

It tears me up b/c I know he needs so much and is really trying to figure out the world. The most pathetic thing I've done the last few days is read two compelling pieces on gender and development - as if reading about it is better than doing it. At any rate, "The mind of boys" or something like that is a fabulous book that one of my K school classmates lent to me ( a sweet 23 year old guy who babysat Liam on my 40th - about 2 weeks after I had met him) and the Peggy Orenstein's piece in the NYT from Dec 26, "What's Wrong with Cinderella?" have me thinking oodles about gender. I can see Liam really struggling with figuring out she's and he's. My mind is too mushy right now to have anything intelligent to say, but more will certainly come. Maybe the most intelligent comments will come from my kids, as long as I'm actually spending enough time with them to listen...