Heat Rash

Kalian's got it bad - all over her bod. I've started to call her spot. The heat is really affecting her. We've been giving her about 3 baths/day - now with baking soda. Liam's transition issues hit more of an emotional core. Tonight, when I was putting him to bed, he said he wanted all of his friends to be at his birthday party, and he wanted me to go get them. I just started weeping. Yep, chalk up another one to parental guilt for dragging him away from his friends, an amazing preschool and our strong, supportive community, especially Mickey. It's weird not having lots of folks to hang with - at least people we know very well.

But it felt good to cry. I feel like I've been holding so many things together - moving out of our house, packing up at Lori's, saying good-byes, flying out here, getting settled, starting school. I'm somehow the coordinator of everything - it's hard to let go.

As I was trying to do my calculus homework this afternoon, I was breastfeeding Kalian. I was reminded of when I was pregnant with her and studying for and taking the GRE. I had a tough pregnancy with her - physically but especially emotionally. Someone reminded me at the time how yes, taking the GRE while pregnant could be challenging (i.e. needing bathroom breaks!) but that I had two brains working instead of one. Meditating on that really helped me feel so much more positive about being pregnant - and she did really help me, so it was a sweet moment to be reminded of that.

We had a nice week-end, really. I spent most of it getting organized to study and then studying. Went to yoga this morning. It was nice to practice with a group, but I have such a chip on my shoulder. The teachers at the studio are young and pretty inexperienced. I keep composing statements in my head (of course that I never say) - that I've been practicing before they were born and that if they had had kids, they'd understand all of the hormonal/soft-tissue injuries I'm still dealing with, etc. etc. - I somehow have to project myself as perfect or at least explain why I'm not - I think the same thing is happening at the K school. I feel like I have to show everyone my full complexity - activism, filmmaking, funkiness, beauty(?), yoga, hip mama - it's as if I'm back in high school and have to prove my all-around attributes to get into college. And it's weird being in this program b/c so many people are so into the Harvard part of being at Harvard - mentioning things like "prestigious" etc. etc.

I think I should/need/want to let down my guard a bit - though it doesn't quite feel safe to do so at school - I think I just want to be vulnerable - and have my mommy give me lots of soothing baths to deal with my transition issues....