Yoga Ego

Well, last week's class with the teacher who yelled (however sweetly) instructions made me ubercritical of him, but yesterday's mysore teacher, Sct, made me realize that it really is more about me and my insecurities.

He started out the class with our chant and then said we would do some sutra learning - great, I thought, we'll chant a bit and then he'll explain one of the sutras. But he kind of went on and on - rather than listening I felt like I had to get my "asana" time in and was stretching while he was talking. I realized even while doing it that it was rude, but was I trying to send a message? I have so little time to meditate (I know, I know little time that I take to meditate) that I'm sad now that I didn't tune in more, but it started me out on a slightly cynical view of what was really phenomonal teaching. He gave me a pretty good adjustment in Triangle, though it was mostly telling me to lift this, relax that.

I know from teaching mysore that when a new student walks into the room that I could tell already has a practice that the best way to "win" them over to actually listening to my teaching is to just be there with them, give them nice comfy adjustments and let them open up to the new teacher - it's physically scary to have someone you don't know touching your body, however libertated you - read I - think you are/am.

I think that was part of what happened - when he came over to me while I was in paschimotanasana - seated forward bend and told me to relax my head more. I asked him why and then posed the contrarian issue of the driste forward - he gave an answer that I probably would have given myself - that you need to wait until your head is on your legs to move forward with the gaze, but alas, my ego got in the way. "Sure, sure, sure" I said to him, but afterwards I worried that it was too sarcastic so I bleated out,"Thank you." Needless to say, he didn't come up to me for the rest of my practice to give any more adjustments. Coincidence? Who knows?

And of course, stirring in my head was the e-mail that I was going to write him - apologizing for my reaction but, of course, also trying to "right" him by explaining my new student theory - that you can't tell people everything they're doing wrong if you want them to do it right" or something like that - or the need to honor and move with their body rather than oppose it - of course, this would have been patronizing, but I really did want him to know that I've been a teacher for 10 years and a practitioner for 18 - ironic since that's what pissed me off when the other Hvd yoga teacher answered my "why" question of foot placement in down dog "because I've been teaching for 28 years" - uh, oh, yeah, great reason.

I'm not sure how much of it is ego, how much insecurity - both - they go together - I always want to impress other people - was it an issue that if he criticized my form that it meant I wasn't a very "good" yogi?

I have a really tough time taking criticism and suggestion - no matter where it comes from - which makes me really sad when I critique Liam sometimes with a lot of what he's doing when he's in his stimulation seeking frenzy. Am I creating a mini-me?