runnin' on Empty

Up til 2am last night typing up my interview notes/transcription for my qual class. Of course, Kalian woke me up about 4.30 this morning. When I walked in to my qual class (late b/c I was printing up my paper), the professor was reading someone else's fieldnotes to the class. Rather than enjoying her wonderful analysis, I found myself being jealous and angry (at? myself, the prof?) that I am not able to write that way or thought we were supposed to write that way. Is this really a narrative writing class? Which is what it made me feel like. Then, later in the class she analyzed my notes - where she pointed out, in a tactful way, that my strength was not in descriptive writing/awareness but in dialogue writing - oh, great, i can type up minutes. What kind of skill is that? Then, she later said while looking me in the eye that some people who are too analytical and aren't open enough to what's unfolding in front of them shouldn't do qualitative research but quantitative research. I feel like it was directed at me, especially since I am the only one in the room that wants to keep going and do this sort of work. She also indicated that it's surprising that a filmmaker is not able to observe well. Huh? Well, this has shattered everything I've been doing - working so hard on all of my perosnal statements. will she still write rec letters for me? I wonder. She was the one that encouraged me to apply to programs now. I'm so tired that I'm not feeling like I want to do it right now.

I had three classes back to back this morning and then just had lunch at a fancy rest. on the square (upstairs on the square i think) which was delic. but a complete work lunch, where i basically did my workshop shtick for two local filmmakers - one of whom is a mom in kalian's coop.

I'm exhausted. Just sat down at my laptop to work and got a long e-mail from Chris about lots of family stuff. I feel guilty and overwhelmed. I just don't think I can sustain all of this and finish everything.....