Part 3 - I don't know how she does it

Well, it's exactly a week later - and that about sums everything up - but for the 0.2 of you out there who is dying to hear about how that very important tape, professor and Liam escapade turned out, here's your chance.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I knew I had made a big mistake taking that call (prof about a ltr of rec he was writing that had been due that day - while i had barely seen Liam, and he was clearly missing me and it was supposed tp be our one 30 minutes of time together - exhale) but I didn't realize how much of an error until he had what i can only describe as a panic attack. By the time I had hung up the phone he had clearly and understandably had no interest in patiently learning how to use the tape dispenser (for the xmas art project we were doing together) - he had gotten too frustrated - both with not being able to do it but mostly b/c I had ignored him while on the phone.

It's interesting writing this now. If I had written it 6 months while being home with the kids most of the time, I would have given myself some slack and interupting time with Liam with a very important phone call would not be such a big deal, but this was after barely seeing Liam at night for an hour or two for two weeks straight - including week-ends. I had been staying up late, sometimes til 2 or 3 in the morning and then being woken up by Kalian just an hour or two later. That day I had two applications due while I was also racing to finish up a final paper for a class to include in my applications. I think, now reflecting back, that we were both strung out.

Anyway, a few minutes after I hung up the phone, Liam started screaming - just like he does when he's having a night terror - in other words, there was nothing that could calm him down or we weren't able to find out what was going on. I felt indignant that it had to be me to be the one to help him out and emotionally pushed Chris away.

I tried a sure fire way to calm him by taking him downstairs to look at a firetruck on duty across the street. He was not interested, he kept screaming. I then took him back upstairs into our room. I was trying so hard too hard - to figure out what was going on - I "should" have just held him and rode it out with him, but I tried so hard to find out what was going on and "talk" with him. I think I started to get hysterical, too (is that word used more for women?). Liam then got more upset and wanted to just be comforted by Daddy and tried to go out of our bedroom and into the dining room, where Chris was. I wanted so desperately to connect with him and have him vent his frustrations out at me and "tell" me how he felt - ok, he's 3 years old, not exactly capable of processing. I held him and insisted on working it out with him. Eventually, he fell asleep in my arms.

Later that night, he had another night terror. But the one earlier that night was the first time he had one while awake - that's why I think it was a panic attack - panic of mommy just not being there for him. Of course, we'll never really know. But it was a powerful turning point for me. It made me question going back to school or doing any job that would take me away from my kids 6-7 days/week, especially when after this year Chris won't be able to stay home with them (unless we win the lottery). Now I realize it's for both of our sanity's sake, but I can not do that to my kids. This doesn't at all mean that I think that I need to stay home with them full-time, but I really want some more balance, whatever that is. Liam really needs us to work through his therapy at home, and I don't want to wake up when he's a teenager and not have given him every opportunity to learn the skills he needs to survive.

Anyway, this was such a stressful time, but what were we doing the night before? staying up late to make these CDs and cards/cases for his friends - while Liam and I had psychotic breaks - I don't know how she does it - really she's not.

So the next morning after spending all of that time on the other paper and the applications ( and not with my kids) I had to get up the next morning (Saturday) to go start studying for a Quant final - that I hadn't even begun to study for - I was so freaked out that I was paralyzed for a few hours (which was why I started to write this post) - I finally got into it to the point of feeling pretty prepared - but at the expense of not seeing my family all week-end. And I also felt pretty lousy about how I did on the exam, but still had an amazing connection with my quant prof afterwards - she is so darn giving - she teaches in AZ in the spring but said she'd be back in January for a training and that she'd be happy to meet with any of us to help us out in the next quant class...I actually went and practiced yoga in the first time in forever after my quant exam and then went home to help out Chris while he needed to run some much needed errands. I needed a mental break Monday night, but then had to hit the paper writing mania again for my JC journalism paper due on Thursday - more non-stop working every day.

Not many folks around campus that last week - but nice to connect with Susan and Mark who were around a lot. On Thursday I had promised up and down to Chris that I would be home by 3.30 since my paper was due at 3, but then we were given until 5pm, so again, I wasn't home til past 6. He has been so understanding and supportive - I don't know how he does it!