Gender Bending

Ugh, I was in tears today. This morning as I was helping Liam get ready for preschool, I was brushing his hair. He asked for a ponytail. I was so excited. The girl/boy gender divisions that have been rearing their ugly heads lately. He’s been saying things like, “Mommy, girls and mommies can’t be firefighters (or construction workers or whatever)” Argh! And this is after Mommy changes every single male reference in firefighting/construction books to female. I knew the external influences would burst my little protective bubble eventually, but it’s still so sad. Anyway, I was so glad, he still wanted a ponytail.

But at preschool, as soon as he ripped off his hat in his excitement to play with the bulldozer in the construction zone at preschool, a precocious young girl in his class, yelled derisively, “Look,” as she pointed her finger at Liam, “Liam’s a girl today. Ha ha ha.” I wanted to run over and, well, I should stop before I incriminate myself, but I just felt so sad on so many levels. I tried talking to Liam and the girl, who was surrounded by three other girls at the craft table – it’s an incredibly gender segregated (by choice?) place as it is. I said that both girls and boys wear ponytail. I could tell Liam was affected. Then three boys playing in the firefighting/construction zone came up and said, “Look, Liam’s wearing a ponytail.” I tried talking to them (attempted to be nondefensive) that lots of boys wear ponytails, like Liam’s dad. Sigh.

Of course, this was just after having an intense but supportive meeting on Wednesday about Liam’s “IEP” – that’s jargon for getting together Liam’s therapists and teachers (and the head of his school, which was nice) to talk about expanding services for him. He’s having social challenges at school already and then this happens. I’m sure it happens every day for kids, but it was still so tough to hear that today. At this particular meeting, though, I felt really good about the team who “gets” him – oodles better than the pathetic Oakland system. And they helped address a disagreement that Chris and I had about how to talk to him about his therapy – I can tell that he gets frustrated when he can’t do things that other kids can and wanted to honor that while Chris didn’t want to draw attention to their differences. They helped us to think about dealing in the moment when he’s frustrated.

On a nicer kid point – Liam and Kalian were uber cute last night helping to make Daddy’s birthday cake. I have no idea what went into the batter – Kalian’s drool, butter that she had taken a big bite out of. Flour was everywhere, but Liam had a blast using the electric mixer and licking the bowl – literally – putting his whole head into it.

Today, Liam said, “Daddy how old are you? Are you old or are you regular?”