Go Away I don't Need you

That's it I'm quitting school.

Liam just woke up with a bad dream or night terror. It's always tough to tell which one. Chris went in to console him. We had already moved into our bedroom because Kalian has been up coughing and kept waking up Liam.

He wouldn't stop crying, so I came in because sometimes in the past I've often found that he will calm down with me - not just because I'm his Mama but because it seems to calm him down to have different energy trying to sooth him. But Liam didn't want Chris to go away tonight, so we both were lying down with him. I started telling him a story, which often calms him down, and it did, but as I was getting to the end of the story, Liam said, "No, it's Daddy's turn to tell the story." He started crying, and said, "Go away Mommy, I don't need you! I need Daddy."

That's it. My kids don't need me anymore. My heart is broken, and I feel terrible. I feel like I've been replaced. I am not often present enough with them even when I'm with them. At least when I used to spend so much more time with them as a work-at-home mom, I was a steady presence in their lives. Now, I struggle with feelings sometimes as Liam wants me to build one more thing out of legos that I'd really rather be at school or doing something else than hanging with them. This admission is terrifying now that I'm not with them as much anymore. It's not always the case, but that's the tough part about working all day at school and then having to be "on" at home. I have a feeling this year that I'm going to continue to "give" Chris "time off" but that any time off that I want will be with the kids.

No wonder Liam feels that way, despite any stages he might be going through right now - he can probably detect my disconnection and lack of focus with him. Ah, it's so easy just to beat myself up when I "should" be honoring Chris' connections with the kids.

I guess that's why i'm the accidental mom. When I was growing up or throughout my 20's, I never really wanted to be a mother - I was afraid that I'd lose my independence. A good friend told me that those intense times of sleepless nights were small on the large scale of parenting, and that pushed me over the edge and helped Chris and me get married since kids was a sticking point.. She was right, but why on earth did I decide to go to school during this "intense" stage? Ah, insanity.