Moms and/or Students

Right before I left school tonight, I stopped to chat with a student from Vietnam. Her 2 year old is staying in Vietnam this year while she's at the K school on a Fulbright. When I first talked to her about it, she was almost casual about it - that it's only a year, that she's with family, etc. etc. But tonight, she unveiled those personally consoling remarks to reveal how painful it is for her. When I mentioned video phone calls that we had started doing with Liam's friends, she said that when her husband was going to set that up for her when he came to visit - but not her daughter - the flight was too long and expensive for her. Tears welled up in her eyes and she said she would give anything just to give her toddler a big hug.

About an hour before this I had talked to Chris on the phone, and when Kalian learned that I was on the other end, she started crying out for me and making the ama sign. It broke my heart. My talking on the phone with her only made it worse because my voice was there but not my nurturing body. For me, though, it was only a few hours before I'd be home. That kind of distance is both unimaginable but also terribly understandable.

There are more women here who have had to leave their children to study here. The more I've thought about it I've realized that it's less abandonment and more the result of the unequal status of women. Another woman, an American, has a three year old son, who is staying back in Nevada with her husband, who wouldn't leave his job or look for one here. Another woman's 14 year old son will be joining her in a few weeks for the year, but only because her husband as well could not (would not?) leave his job. Plus, she said, as she eyed Chris over lunch (who was here with the kids after another K school family outing - to the Discovery Museum - Chris and the military wives), her husband would never watch her son by himself. He doesn't know what to do and always gets help. On the other hand, there's another woman from Singapore who brought both her husband and her 2 year old here. Her daughter is in daycare during the day, and since her husband's fellowship at MIT is "busier" as she said, she is the one who has had to miss class when she's been sick, stays up with her, etc.

I don't know of any men (yet, at least) in this program whose wives didn't leave their jobs to come here . Though I have the youngest children of any woman in this program, I also seem to have the most support. So when people comment that they don't know how they do it, I just tell them I have a wife. Dinner cooked (and so delicious - Chris is cooking up a storm) when I get home, getting to see my kids when Chris stops by with them.

Today at lunch, when Chris was here with the kids, I also met with a research assistant who responded to my ad on the ksg web site for babysitting. She seemed nice and Liam seemed to connect with her, but we miss our community, especially Mickey, in terms of able to share the childcare load and do trades.

I also felt so lucky having my kids here tonight and for Chris to have cooked a yummy meal, cleaned it up, and then after I put Kalian to bed, Liam and I dug into the 10pound box of blueberries boston organics brought us and made blueberry corn muffins. Although it broke up the monotony, I realized how lucky I really am to be able to do anything with my kids, baking or building yet one more vehicle that Liam is obsessed with - they're here and not somewhere else. I can be both a student and a mom and not be forced to choose.