It's hard out there for a mom

When I was doing community and labor organizing in North Carolina among black rural women, we were very conscious of the special challenges and triple exploitation that black, rural women mothers (maybe quadruple) faced in participating in organizing drives, such as going to meetings, etc.. Who had time? Well, I'm a long way from that type of oppression, but I'm understanding it more firsthand than theoretically. I just saw an e-mail in my inbox for a mid-career potluck this Thursday during dinner, I have to wonder if they realize that this is primetime for moms to spend time with their kids. I feel left out of that, though I also am not sure if I would have time to engage in that activity even if it was scheduled for the daytime or later at night.

Well, last night I had my first taste of what the school year will be like. The whole day was back to back classes. When I got home, Chris took off for the gym, and I played with the kids for a few minutes and then cooked dinner. Soon after, I needed to put Kalian to bed (who just wanted to stay up despite her being exhausted - she wanted to rock out with Liam by shaking her head to music - it's very adorable), then I played legos and a little guitar with Liam. When Chris got home at 7.30, I was exhausted. I just wanted to go to bed, but I had at least 4 hours of Calculus and Econ to do. So I dragged myself to the neighborhood cafe - 1369 - a great place to study, I thought. I bought myself a soy chai (iced - yahoo - it's so nice to walk around here at night in the warm, balmy evening) and sat down at a table to study, like the youngsters in the place. But loud Bjork was blaring. I manged to wake up enough to pour through my Calculus. Before I knew it the place was closing down, it was 10pm and I wasn't even done with the math. I bought myself a piece of chocolate cake to go and headed home.

I then hunkered down to do my econ. On the second day at the K school, the head of the quant/math program gave a great talk, during which she mentioned that if you're spending more than 1.5 hours per night to just close your book and go to sleep. Well, I couldn't sleep yet, but I did just stop on the quant and plowed ahead on the econ - I did the homework without doing any reading - though officially, the reading is "optional." Earlier yesterday, I sent an e-mail to Jodi, the instructor, apologizing for being snarky in one of my answers to an econ question about what would happen to the supply (or was it price) of jeeps if the auto workers union negotiated higher wages. I put forth what I thought were more labor-oriented answers, knowing the answer she wanted - that the price would increase. I said that more experienced workers, who are paid a higher wage, are more efficient....I also mentioned that these days there's no way the UAW would be able to get a wage increase without concessions, such as with health insurance, so the overall cost would be at most null. I then gave her the answer she wanted. Of course, her comments on this homework were that I didn't follow the rule (forget the name - some latin thing) - that you have to assume that everything else is equal.

This is why I'm having a frustrating time with econ - I remember the same feelings while an undergrad - since the premise in microeconomics is that everyone is selfish and people would work if they wanted to. Today, she pointed out how the supply of labor is affected by an individual deciding the opportunity cost of leisure v. work. Yeah, I'm deciding not to work outside the home for wages, as a mom that is, b/c I just want to sit at home eating bon bons - which was basically the analogy that Jodi made. Quite a few people commented about factors in the real world that affect that and other equations we were dealing with. She gave very bland responses, continuing to steer us toward our task at hand. So finally, I raised my hand and commented that I was having this problem with the positive (v. normative) analysis of econ - that the modeling that is presented as scientific can never be tested in the real world. She gave some vague response about getting to more of these details when we get to monopolies - huh? Then some corporate dude asked her about the gray area between macro and micro - and what defines a market. Again, she at least seemed open to the discussion but kept steering us back to the lesson - which I guess is her job - that of course, she is deciding to do because it makes economic sense for her on the labor supply curve.

I continued to be very challenged in calc today - it's fun to be pushing my limit in this way. I just don't think I can do the full-time mom thing anymore, though it's so tough to have to make decisions like this morning where I only practiced yoga for 20 minutes so I could spend more time with the kidlets. Liam did say goodbye to me today and that he misses me - on another shift - Kalian just cried for a moment before sucking her thumb - is she already getting used to my abandoning her every day?

Yesterday, there was a case discussion class - that is a class of almost 200 people discussing a poverty alleviating case in Mexico between, basically, an in-kind milk program for poor families or cash grants (with the requirement for schooling and health clinic visits). The point of the class was to introduce us to the case method. As we were discussing the economics and pros/cons of this case, the professor asked us to raise our hands if we agreed with the in-kind versus the cash grant program. For me, it was a false question - how about neither and that the issue/solution is much more structural. I also had another throwback to Duke and why my public policy major drove me crazy - all of the policies were incremental because one of the policy makers/decision making bodies needed to approve it and it wasn't practical to introduce a radical change b/c it would never pass through the legislative body (of mostly rich white men). Anyway, after the discussion, the professor asked us to give feedback and evaluate how the discussion went. A lawyer in the crowd asked if we would ever be called on cold to respond. My question was also procedural - or was it? I mentioned my frustration with policy classes at Duke (why did I need to mention Duke - to name drop? How do you name drop at Harvard?) when we discussed cases. Like the "Liconsa" one we were discussing, the debate seemed very narrow and how do you address the larger political issues to reframe the debate. He gave a so-so answer about how we need to politely ask the professor leading the discussion - he didn't use those words but that's how it felt....Then, the director, Frank Hartman, thanked me for my comments - as did a number of stuents afterwards, including Pamela in an e-mail. It feels good to have some support in a place where I sometimes question why I'm here.

This afternoon (I'm writing this in tidbits between classes /sessions when I don't have time to do much of anything) we then got together in small groups to discuss a city-wide corruption case in Bolivia for a follow-up class on cases tomorrow. I read the case and was just as frustrated and didn't feel like going to my small group, but felt like since I had signed up I didn't want to let down the other students. (which Hartman also put out - though do I care more about what other people think of me or about them?). But it was moderately interesting to go. First of all, I found that I had a fellow Ashtangi here - Chip from San Diego, who knows Tim Miller well. That made me feel some kinship - and then before the session I looked at the list of people in my group - all seemed pretty straight and conservative - which was mostly the case, but it was still interesting to get the perspective from an Indian government Tax official, as well as from Tom who is a self-prescribed Republican lawyer employee manager for the state's equivalent to the EPA. It was actually good to get everyone's perspective and to get my brain working on what I think about issues - including a moment of clarity on the case - of course, this mayor was elected in the first ever democratically elected race in Bolivia - this was Latin America in the 1980s and the U.S. government was encouraging elections to stem the tide of revolution happening. My initial comment was how the entire case is presented from an American perspective - the mayor is a K school graduate, who brings in a K school econ prof and then gets World Bank funds, and who worked for a mining company, which I'm sure has some foreign interests and the mayor has connections to the former military dictator - it was helpful to provide some context - at least I hope.

Gotta run to my financial aid meeting...