saddest day

Liam was so incredible sad and crying tonight, not in a whiny way at all, but mournful - all of a sudden after two days of not letting him use a diaper for pooping (ok, judgement out there is ok only for parents of kids older than 4 and 3/4 who did not potty train by then) .

I think he is understanding that diapers mean that an era - which represent his babyhood/toddlerhood/early preschooler-hood - is over. It has manifested itself in something that he has never before seemed to have an issue with - breastfeeding, or in our case. ..."Moooooommmy, I want to suck your ama. Please!!! Why aren't you letting me. Will I not be able to do it forever, mommy? You never let me!" Ok, I admit that I let him hold my ama for comfort but he has never wanted to breastfeed again since I weaned him when he was two and pregnant with Kalian. But it was amazing - for the first time, I actually had a real conversation with him - he was just so present with his feelings that he was willing to engage with me like he so rarely does. Hmmm...But so incredibly sad. My heart broke, as bellowed that he wante to move back to Cambridge - not really b/c he does, I think, but b/c it represents a place where we'd let him be little, let him be a "baby." (even though he wasn't). He is grieving for that childhood - he also started to ask questions about my being pregnant and the "seed." - Will he be able to go back into my tummy, he asked?