Detachment Parenting

It fee;s tough to parent when I'm not around my kids all day.

Not that I was an uber mom before going to school full-time, but in some ways it was so much easier to be part of their lives all day than in the evenings when my time with them feels so contrived. I come home from school, we eat dinner, play with the kids for awhile, then put Kalian to bed. Then after that I've been having a tough time keeping both Liam and me engaged til it's his bedtime. Since I haven't seen them all day, I want to spend time with him in the evenings, but I'm so exhausted, and I'm just not the type of parent who can sit and play legos with liam for longer than, say, 10 minutes. I know that's so pathetic, but I'm much happier when I'm doing some type of project that includes him (gardening, cooking, etc.). It's still an adjustment to do this routine. I don't know how working-outside-the home parents do it. Plus, I have so much homework to do that when I try to put Liam to sleep, I invariably fall asleep myself.

And that's exactly what I almost did in my quant class this morning. I stayed up late trying (yes, trying) to do my calculus homework, and then Kalian decided to wake up this morning at 4 am and never went back to sleep, and then Chris went to the gym around 5.30, so I had a pretty long morning. I want to be the type of mom who can whip up a fun project that engages and educates the kids, but I felt happy to have fed them breakfast this morning for 3 hours. Yawn! I have been evaluating the benefits of caffeine and fantasized about going to get at least a soy chai during class.

But during our "coffee break" this morning, I stuck with tea. Every day, there is tea, coffee and fruit set out for us. This whole summer program is so nurturing. They feed us, give us our schedule, hold our hands with totally available professors and give lots of touchie feelie events and vibes. I love it - I love not having to be the mom and having someone else coordinating my life for me. During break, I sat down with most of my calc class, and then a nice woman from Ireland sat down and introduced herself. She was very sweet, but in so many words, implied that it's so much easier for Americans to get into this program - uh, what's your point? But we did have a nice rap about how few people of color are in the program.

Econ class was another rah rah for the wonders of the free market. Our sweet instructor keeps creeping in her libertarian views. We were discussing the concept of producer and consumer surplus - when added equals social surplus - because all transactions, she said, are voluntary. "Noone's holding a gun to your head to buy anthing." Even insulin, marc asked? "Yes, she said." That is such a frightening concept. No, guns aren't necessarily held to our heads, but if I don't buy my kids food, I would have social services at my door. People have to buy certain goods to survive. Shea also claimed that when there is a tax that "losers lose more than winners win. It's not my job to say whether a tax is good or bad. That's your job as policy makers. It's my job to teach you principles." But when Margot asked, "Is every economist a libertarian?" Jodi laughed as if to indicate that she was but added, "Not exactly."

After class I had a nice lunch with Pamela and a few other fun folks, and then Eric Savage sat down - turns out he went to Duke and grew up a few blocks from our house in Toledo. When we invariably started talking about Duke baseketball, he mentioned that he just got back from a Duke basketball camp - a gift from his wife. When I asked him how much it was, $10,000? He said, uh, yeah...

Then we had a required sessionw ith the whole class based on this harvard business review article "managing oneself" - it was very corporate-speak. Didn't resonate with me, but during the session, FH kept referring to it as he implored us to figure out what we want to be able to say on June 8, 2007, the day after we graduate, about what we accomplished during this year - it was a very goal setting, interactive session. Nice to reflect, but I don't know why I found it so annoying.

I then walked up to Porter Square with Pamela to take a yoga class - baptiste's studio - xtra sweaty class and then walked all the way home. I was exhausted and a little late. I started to feel really bad about going to yoga instead of coming home, spending time with the kids, adn relieving Chris. Sure enough, when I came home, Chris (mostly jokingly) commented about how I would never have been ok with him coming home 2 hours late after having watched the kids for 7 days straight. He was right, but he did "approve" of the time this morning. We're still trying to figure out how to make all of this work, including avoiding tag team parenting. But my big concern right now with my kids is how to engage them at night - or is my question what to do with them so I don't feel so guilty - checking something online tonight during my time with Liam made me feel pretty lousy. Ah, more guilt, so maybe I'm not a completely detached parent...