boys in tutus

Wah - just got back from a preschool event where the kids' music teacher and all of the parents met for a performance/sing-a-long. Liam, who is a truck-lovin' boy boy, for the first time last night decided to put on a tutu/leotard outfit that's been in our dressup case for about 4 years. He and I danced "ballet" together last night for about an hour to bluegrass music - it was so much fun. So he wanted to wear his tutu to the music event today - no problem on many fronts - not just mine/his, but also the school is so open to gender issues, and two boys regularly wear dresses at school. Anyway, when Liam proudly walked in (who usually doesn't don these types of outfits) - one of the boys yelled, "Liam's wearing a tutu! He looks funny!" This kid probably was surprised, more than anything, but Liam rushed over to me and said, "Mommy, they're making fun of me" - after that, he didn't want to participate much with the other kids. I talked to him about it a bit after I figured out what had happened, but it just broke my heart to see for the first time (at least in my eyes) what's to come full-on. Last year at his elitist school in Cambridge, kids made fun of him for wearing a ponytail, nail polish or having a doll, but it didn't seem, at least to phase him. This did. How do I arm him with the confidence to let that stuff sail off his back - especially since I know kids will make fun of him for some of his developmental stuff down the line. Should I have encouraged him to calmly confront the other child? I want to keep my kids in a bubble!

blue eye dolls, still?

Well, I didn't get my sh*# together in time to order Liam's xmas/solstice present on-line, and now I'm stuck. Have I fallen into that stereotypical trap of trying to find the exact gift that my son has asked for? Uh, yeah. Liam, bless his heart, wants a babydoll with brown eyes and a pink outfit - easy enough with multicultural choices today - but not available in the main. I've been to toy stores all over town today with no luck - even the progressive RockridgeKids only had blue-eyed dolls - what is the percentage of people on the planet, even in the U.S. that has blue eyes? I just can't believe that the doll/toy world is still living out that bad stereotype, even today. I'd expect it for Barbies, but are toddlers/preschoolers/young kids really demanding blue eyed dolls already? Or is it their parents? Should I take brown marker to one? Just give up? Reality is, though, Liam would care more about the pink - does he like pink or is it b/c he wants one just like his sister's? Who knows? All I know is that I may have to hit the malls (gasp) this week-end...baby jesus, give me strength...all of the photos I saw of him growing up were "angelic" blue eyes. - what would jesus do?

Ok, so here’s my latest struggle. I’m totally freaking out about weaning Kalian. I haven’t started yet, but plan on starting during Christmas break. It’s getting a little painful, and I have a hard time refusing Liam to hold my breast for comfort b/c I’m allowing Kalian to breastfeed, too, so I’m really about to wean both of them. Kalian is about 2 ½, but I realized that my freakout is less about losing that breastfeeding/bonding connection – though it’s part of it, but I’m mourning my body/self/identity of being a breastfeeding mommy – I had that “I make milk – what’s your superpower?” e-mail tagline for about four years. That was/is part of me! I’m afraid of losing that part of myself – as well as how weaning means (since chris got snipped and we’re done with 2 kids) that I will never have kids – and it feels like a sign of aging – a nose dive into menopause. I went to an Ashtanga yoga class the other day taught by my dear friend and fabulous pre-postnatal yoga teacher and by being in that room where I had brought my pregnant body and my little babes, I just started weeping. I am so scared to give up that part of my life and body – and I’m worried that once I stop breastfeeding I’ll gain lost of weight and my boobs, already small, will completely disappear, but more importantly, that part of my identity will disappear.

Liam: From Born Again to Handy Girl

Lately, for bedtime, Liam and Kalian have been wanting to read “Handy Girls” – a great feminist 70s book about two 5ish year old boys who are always wanting to hang out at their big sisters’ and friends “Handy Girls Fix-it Shop” where they fix, build and repair things. At the end of the book, one of the boys says, “If I were a girl, when I grow up, I’d want to be a handy girl.” Or something like that. Today in the car when Lev, Liam and Kalian and I were talking about Halloween costumes, Liam said, “If I were a girl, I’d like to be a handy girl for Halloween.” I said, “That’s the great thing about Halloween, Liam, you can be whatever you want.” Liam’s face lit up (ok, we were at a stoplight), and he exclaimed, “Yeah, I get to be a handy girl!” Ah, patriarchy turned upside down.

Of course, since I'm in academia now, I have been analyzing the girl power books that I've been reading to the kids. In many of the books, including this one, the fact that girls are handy or basketball players or construction worrkers often brings up in the text some type of shock or suprise that girls can do such a thing - I understand the intention - but I'd rather instill in my kids that it isn't a big deal for girls to play these traditional masculine roles. Comments?

perfect timing in the universe.

Great timing. Chris is flew to Toronto Tuesday, the same day we got an e-mail from Kalian's preschool saying they have to shut down for the rest of the week because of illness. We had agreed that when the kids are sick, that he would stay home with them since he has sick days. While I've been cranky about the situation and love to reply to the "how are you" from friends with frustration - I also see the comedy in it. We have every detail of our lives focused on that magical balancing act of our house of cards. Did everything fall apart when that card was pulled out from under me? Not quite.

Fortunately, it was actually OK timing. I had just stayed up Sunday night to finish a fellowship proposal and didn't have anything major due this week. More importantly, our community pulled through, as usual. Mickey took Liam to martial arts on Wed, one of the parents of Kalian's classmates offered to watch Kalian during my classes on Wed, and the husband of Kalian's babysitter watched her yesterday. Yes, we made the right decision to come back to the Bay Area - granted, this type of community could happen anywhere and in fact, Kalian's Wednesday playdate was at the home of parents I had just briefly met at a picnic. In fact, when I went to pick her up, she commented how surprised she was that we were willing to drop our kids off at her house when we didn't even know them. She and her husband had surmised that it was because we were second time parents and that kalian was so mellow. Yeah, that's part of it, I guess, we're also kind of desperate - or maybe a better way to put it is that we trust the universe.

Maybe that Family Mediatation Day at Spirit Rock paid off after all. Yeah, but I can't wait til Chris gets back tomorrow!

Liam is Born Again

Liam has been really into playing this game where he says, “mom, I want to be born-again.” He wants to re-enact me giving birth – things I must include in the scenario:
1. calling the midwife
2. waiting for him to tell me he’s ready to be born (he hides under the bed)
3. I have to sit on the bed right over where he is.
4. when he tells me he’s ready I have to stand up turn around and lean over, just like I did when 5. I pushed out him (and kalian) – and grunt a bit
6. when he comes out from underneath the bed I have to pick him up and yell, “It’s a boy!”
7. I have to then tell him, “you’re bloody – let me wrap you up in a blanket”
8. I swaddle him in a big blanket and cuddle him

ok, life isn't so bad - and, plus, it's helping me deal with my baby fever.

Grad school is easier for a mom

Well, of course, there are lots of qualifications to this, like, oh, all of the obvious challenges of being a mother of two in graduate school. Many in my cohort have asked the rhetorical question, "I don't know how you do it?"

But Sunday, I had an epiphany. I had spent the day at school writing a paper that was due today, Tuesday. I had finished a draft, knowing that I needed to go home at 5 and make dinner for the kids, clean up the house, and put them to bed, but while I was hanging out with them I realized how lucky I am that I'm forced to have such a strict schedule. The payoff is high. While most of my classmates were working to the wire to finish their papers today, I was relaxing at a bathhouse (ok, so it was my birthday and mom-spa days happen about once/year, but I'm just saying...). I am forced to plan my time well, and I'm also not able to just stare at my screen for hours on end because I have to/get to go home and have a real break with my kids - which probably gives me fresh energy when I come back to my work. Will it continue to be hard? Of course. Will my classmates be free from sick kids and childcare pick-ups? Yeah. Am I working two shifts while they work one? Absolutely, but I have the benefit of a supportive family, loving community and life experience to put it all in perspective.

I don't know how they do it.

It's my birthday!

What an amazing birthday - got to work out at the Y this morning before rushing off to print out my paper on Marx - and then to class - afterwards, biked home, ate lunch and headed into the city - I played hookie from studying and immersed myself at Osento, an all women's bathhouse in the Mission. It felt so decadent! I even tooled around the community thrift store and other local shops. It was exactly what I needed. I wasn't even that upset when I came home after picking up the kids to learn that I would have to make my own birthday dinner. Oh, well - after relaxing that much, I took it in stride. The best part was both my kids singing me happy birthday with a cake we all made together last night. Life is good...

i have a new son

Liam walked into the kitchen this morning all dressed, got milk out of the fridge and a cup out of the cabinet and sat down to pour himself a glass. Huh? It was wonderfully shocking. We usually have to encourage him to get dressed after breakfast, pick out his clothes, etc. It was just so wonderfully nonchalant - and after everything we've struggled with, so amazing. The strange part, though, was for it also slightly sad - he doesn't need us anymore!