In the Groove

I'm feeling much more in the groove and much happier about my classes. I've grieved the "break-up" and really enjoyed our class discussion on Thursday in NB's class.

We talked about these papers we wrote - basically the larger questions of what is free speech and how does it fit into a democracy - it was more specific than that, but I like being in an environment where I can talk about more heady stuff than my wonderful conversations with my kids. "Kalian, do you need to go pee pee? or poop?" or "Liam, please don't hit/knock down/push/step on/tackle your sister again."

I had a decadent day yesterday - or at least in my world. I went to stats in the morning. Then had my study group, which went well - it's a good mix of Susan and I - the old fogies - and two fresh out of college mpp1's - it's a nice group, and the bonus was that we actually finished our problem set. I then went to NB's class. I was hungry, but in lieu of lunch decided to sneak over to the Mac gym and go to a yoga class. I had found out that you have to go early to get a pass for each class, which tends to fill up. I rushed over there and made good time, but I was over 15 minutes early. 15 minutes! God forbid that I shouldn't "do" anything for 15 minutes. I decided to chat up the other women waiting for the class. What was the teacher like? Any other good yoga classes around here? Etc. Etc. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I dropped to the floor and started to do some poses. Uh, I was in my jeans and a long sweater, but I really wanted to practice and didn't care that I didn't have any yoga clothes with me.

Despite the late start of the class, the freezing weather and it barely being a Vinyasa class, I really enjoyed the teacher - an older Bostonian guy who gave some great tips and adjustments. What a treat. Oh, they're classes at the Harvard gym, so no extra money. I bought a pass card for the Back Bay studio but haven't had the time to get over there. Sigh.

Then I rushed over to pick up Liam. It is such a treat to have just Liam and me time. When we're together as a family, I tend to deal with Kalian, so it's rare to have that time....Interesting that I feel that way since I have time with him everynight after putting Kalian to bed - maybe b/c it's late, I'm tired and feel trapped with the box of legos. It was also nice to connect with Marissa, Liam's teacher and hear how things are going. We got his bike and then took off. Of course, he wanted to stop by Darwin's, a cafe around the corner and on the way home for a "treat." I gave in, the sucker that I am and bought him a fruit roll-up - I know, am I not a terrible mother? And got some treats for Chris and me...on the way home, we ran into Chris, who had been trying to reach me and he had brought Kalian out b/c he was going stir crazy since she's been sick and somewhat upset.

Anyway, we decided to walk over to the large grassy area in front of the high school and we hung out there for a few hours. It was glorious with the beautiful fall weather, and it was a nice change from a park. We could create our own games - with Liam riding his bike and Kalian playing soccer. We also discovered a way to throw the ball, so Liam could catch it. He struggles so much with those gross motor actions that it was nice that he could feel that success.

Then, I said good-bye to the family and went back to the K school to check out a few events. I first tried to stop by to see Mshl Gnz - a K school instructor/prof who had been an activist/organizer for years and got his soc PhD late in life - I wanted to get some advice from him and just also to connect with him in general. No luck. I had e-mailed him and he said to stop by during his office hours, but they were booked up for a few weeks.

One of the reasons I'm feeling better about my schedule is that the schmoozing that I want to do feels like an additional course. - and it's totally necessary for grad school or other future work.

Anyway, then I headed to the forum for my first official forum event - well, it's still september, so it's not so bad that i haven't made it to one yet. This was a nice way to do it. There are so many evening events, and I generally feel like I can't make them b/c I need to spend that time with the family, but I'm hoping to do more of what I did yesterday - sneak out to see the family in the afternoon - Chris has been a real trooper on that front. Anyway, it was a Daniel Pearl doc introduced by Christian Anampour - I only got to see half the doc - which was ok - too black and white for my tastes - DP was an amazing loving person (which it seems he was) and also tracing the evil life and work of the person who killed him - without any context. Grant it I didn't see the whole thing...

then I went to the Town Hall to meet up with folks from some campus labor support group who were then going to go hear Chomsky speak. I mainly wanted to connect with these folks and also get some help for my projects - and also to scope out the other lefties in the group. I met a MPP1 and was pleasantly surprised to se K - the member of parliament from Thailand - we had a nice chat about the coup (that sounds silly) and how hard it is for him to refuse money that has strings when he runs for office. Unfortunately, noone who had sent out the invite showed up, so we walked over together. Chomsky's talk was predictably long but he does have great things to say. The guy who introduced him from the HLS work/life program seemed interesting and thanked him for coming during such a challenging time the last few weeks - ahaha, then I remembered that Chavez had said that he had died. oops.

I left early from the event (on Aqbal Ahmad) to go study. It felt too decadent to go to the talk and even get there early. Must use every available second or......

The talk was on the law school area of campus - such a beautiful area - I was tempted to go study in the law school library but opted for the comfort of the science library - i was starving and hadn't eaten dinner but wanted to do a quick read before heading home.

I had hoped to go home, eat dinner and be a pseudo student while pretending to write up my quant homework while watching TV. It didn't work out that way b/c K woke up and I tried to soothe her for over an hour. Fortunately, she found the Daily Show quite entertaining and laughed in all of the right places. Too funny.

This morning, Chris took Liam to his new OT and ST and I went to the K school to try and meet with JC. He wasn't in, so I stopped by NP's office - the director of the shorenstein center- that was great and really helpful as I picked her brain for ideas for my reserach papers and possibly that grant by the knight foundation since JC said we could use our paper as an application for that. She talked about how Harvard doesn't have people doing cutting edge research on new media/j'm issues and that people keep submitting papers to study the same old thing - which i think meant blogs/journalism. i feel like yawning at the thought, too.

I then found a student study area there and was about to go to my quant review class when I got an e-mail from K - in my study group volunteering to babysit on my b-day - yahoo. Then, I heard a door opening and peeked around and saw it was JC, so I made a decision to see him and be late for my review class. Overall, it was a great meeting, though I feel stupid saying some things - maybe too much about Chris or shaking his hand at the end. Eeek. Anyway, when he found out I was applying to grad school, he asked me where. He suggested I talk to the dean at usc - a good friend of his (of course) and pass on his name - yep, that's what being at harvard is all about.

I caught an hour or so of my quant review and then headed over to CE for song assembly - too cute - really sweet, but i must admit that it was nicer when it was just me and Liam since of course i needed to b'fd Kalian. We went home, had lunch, hung out and then Chris dropped me off at campus. Here I am in the beautiful Harvarfd library. It feels like such an honor to be here. Is that dopey? I'm sure noone has gotten this far and is really reading this, so I don't need to worry...

Liam Helps Me

Liam's preschool teachers use a common technique to help kids who miss their parents or who have strong emotions. They have helped Liam to write letters to us - mostly me - when he has cried after I've left - like when I didn't say good-bye in the "good-bye" window the first time I dropped him off 'cuz I didn't know about it.

A few nights ago, I was putting Liam to bed. I told him how nice it was to spend time with him. I told him that I feel sad during the day when I'm not with him. I just burst into tears. Liam lovingly said, "Mommy, when you're sad, you can write a letter to me and Kalian and tell us how much you miss us."

It broke my heart. Liam rocks!

Post Break-Up Blues

I got out of my NB class yesterday and felt terrible. It made me want to rush back over to CS's office and sign back up again for his class.

In the New Media and Democracy class, NB had a guest speaker - Oct. Hdsn - I didn't check my e-mail until right before class, but because of her visit, we didn't have to turn in the paper that I had worked on all week-end - ok, maybe not all week-end, but the paper was so disjointed that it was difficult to focus on and I felt like I had wasted a lot of time. Oh, well, at least I had finished it, so I went ahead and turned it in. Anyway OH was a very dynamic speaker - an Af-Am woman who had gone through quite a few Harvard programs and is doing some media advocacy work with youth. She got the class to think about values in media and the differences among pr, media advocacy, social marketing, etc. Her whole shtick was leading up to creating media with a message that started "where people are at" - ok, a. i studied this basic tenent of organizing 20 years ago b. i did just that with the golf war c. her strategies were exactly what I taught in my BAVC class and d. she totally didn't understand a basic question I had about how funders have been giving money to filmmakers distribution efforts the last decade (like what she was discussing) and what she saw as the future in distribution, given the internet. In the end, she seemed to be a lot of talk and little substance, and I left the class feeling like I was wasting my time and money. Why am I taking that class? Connections? Freedom to write what I want? Both, I guess. And why did she bother me so much? That she assumed certain things about us - that we were all Harvard snobs who only watched PBS?

After class I reluctantly went over to the Coop to return books from the CJ class - that I had dropped. I also picked up some other school supplies. While I was there, I was very tempted to buy something for Liam - for a few reasons - I can't believe I'm even admitting this - but I feel so disconnected from him and he always wants daddy now that I think there was part of me that just wanted to buy his love. Ok, the more mundane reason was my perennial challenge of being so bored at night playing legos with him and thinking I could buy my way into buying something creative.

Anyway, I was so depressed after that class and not feeling very fulfilled with my classes in general - that I know all of this stuff already and that I'm not taking enough classes - and am wasting my whopping my tuition and all of this time that Chris is taking off and that we're going into debt...that I just wanted to go pick up Liam from preschool. I had brought my yoga clothes and had wanted to practice, but I just didn't think I could focus on anything, so I called Chris to coordinate and walked over there and picked him up. It was so nice to just have that time with Liam at his school. I feel so disconnected to it (and as an aside am furious that there is this fancy schmancy party for the CE parents - why is my tuition going towards this? it's ridiculous - the invites were fancier than most wedding invites). Anyway, it was nice to have Liam be so loving to me. I know that's selfish and probably a little twisted, but every time I used to pick him up at HOAC - he'd tell me to go away. But the downside is maybe he's just not as comfortable at CE and was just really glad to see me.

Anyway, Chris and Kalian met us over there and Liam rode his bike while we walked over to the Harvard farmer's market. It was a glorious fall day and so great to shake things up a bit. We then went over to the Boston common, which has a playground, and it was really nice to hang out there. While we were over there, Liam said that he tried to play in the kitchen at preschool with some girls, but they told me that the kitchen was only for girls! So Chris said that he and Liam would be cooking dinner that night - well, Chris cooks dinner every night. Chris had put on Liam's "Smash patriarchy" t-shirt, which he said he was glad he did since at drop off in the morning there were three fancy suited men dropping off their kids. It's a strange environment that we just don't seem to fit into.

After a yummy pizza dinner that Chris made, I went over to the Science library to study. I walked into the science center around 7.30 and it was packed. I thought, what are all of these people doing out so late - wow, my sense of culture has really shifted being a parent.

The Break-up

I feel terrible. I just broke-up with my love - no, not Chris, but a class that I love. I just went to the professor's office to get his signature. I had a knot in my stomache, and now I'm regretting my decision.

Of all things it was a class on criminal justice and public safety in a global context - the professor is just such a fabulous teacher that I actually composed an e-mail that I sent to him last night. I wish I would have had time to talk to him more during office hours, but there were so many people waiting that I just barely had time to get his signature in. I even told him that I really regretted having to do this while reading the NY Times this morning and there was an article in it about the criminal justice system.

Yes, I'm here to focus my studies on news media analysis and its coverage and impact on the disenfranchised, but I worry that I will not necessarily learn a lot of new things - and that's what this class was doing for me - not only filling a distribution requirement but also opening my mind - plus, it pains me to have to return these fabulous books - at least the fiction - on the subject. Argh. I'm really having second thoughts.

On the flip side, I think the classes I'm taking now totally prepare me for my stated goal of wanting to do research - whatever form that may take:
Quantitative Analysis & Emperical Methods
New Media and Democracy
Journalism in a Time of Upheaval
Qualitative Research Methods

I have two assignments do tomorrow. I finallly finished my quant work - it took forever! it was very tedious - I was mostly just bored with it, though I do like having the knowledge. Now I have to write this very broad-based paper for the Media & Democracy class...(posted below) in only 3-5 pages. The professor is the one radical I'm taking from, so that's nice. He is married to Lani Guinier. I love it when a man is defined by his wife!

I'm having a really tough time focusing - so difficult not to get distracted with e-mail and other web browsing. Was it really easier to focus pre-web??? I think I could have finished my assignments this week-end and have done other things today, but instead I'm having to cram the last minute - ok, if I weren't blogging, maybe I could get more done...
1. Define, compare and contrast the following terms:
Education
Advertising
News
Propaganda

When is education and news not propaganda and why in your opinion?

2. Define, compare and contrast these terms
Erotica
Indecency
Pornography
Obscenity
Hate speech
Dangerous or harmful speech

3. What are the potential benefits and harms of excessive media ownership concentration and control? What is adequate and/or appropriate media competition in a marketplace of ideas? In other words, what is the right mix of media types and ownership? What measures of fairness or democratic principles ought to be applied by government and/or by self-regulation?
4. What are your hopes and fears regarding the state and quality of democracy, including such values as freedom of speech and press, liberty, justice, privacy and civil liberties generally?

Friday Ramblings

This morning I went to the "Bureau of Study Counsel" - which is a Harvard resource - am trying to suck up all I can from this pricey place. I basically met with a psychologist who helped me sort out some of the issues around academics that I'm struggling with. He helped me separate applying for a PhD this fall or next as one question and trying to figure out my course schedule as another. He had me literally step into each decision and see how I felt in my heart. At the same time, he offered a lot of concrete advice on what to do to get good recommendations and build professorial relationships. It was actually exactly what I needed.

I then rushed to our quant review session. It was helpful, but now that I have my laptop working, I tried to do my quant homework at the same time - that's how I justified doing it - but then I drifted into checking e-mail, too - I can see how it sucks you in and why profs don't like it.

I thought I had left myself enough time to get to Liam's school, but I had to rush over - literally I ran and made it just in time for his school's assembly where each class sings two songs - and parents are invited. It was very sweet, Liam was loving and I loved it.

This morning when I dropped Liam off, there was a printed - fancy - invitation in the mailbox for this CE event - what's up with that? Why are we spending money we don't have on fancy invites! I miss heart of a child.

Chris brought Kalian over and we all went to Darwin's for lunch -- Liam got up at 5 am this morning and was exhausted, as was Kalian, so as per usual, it was slightly stressful, but still nice to have family time in the middle of a week-day.

pink boy

I had quite a pink dilemma. Friday night, I decided to be productive with my time with Liam, along with shaking things up a bit. The same old lego boredom on my part, so we took off for Target. I needed school supplies and a host of sundries for the family.

Color is powerful and is a tool that Liam's preschool uses quite a bit. Each room is a color name. He's in the blue room, and then every day is a color.

So, he was having a grand time strapped into one of those giant shopping carts designed for two kids. We were looking at toothbrushes. I wanted to pick one up for Kalian. I asked him which color I should get for Kalian. He said "the pink one." Hmmm...not another pink item for Kalian, I thought. I picked up the lime green one. "What about this one?" I said. "No, the pink one is for Kalian." Well, I had asked him, and heck, why not, so I threw it in the cart, but regretted the decision as we continued shopping. Why does my girl need to have all of this pink stuff?

We then got to the baby section. I needed to buy him a crib-size sheet for his mattress at school for the theoretical nap that he may take there in the afternoons. I didn't see any neutral colors. The only ones they had were white, pink and one with sports equipment, including balls. I took all three off of the hooks and showed them to Liam "Which one do you want?"

"The pink one."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, the pink one."

Why didn't I just throw that in the cart and be done with it? I'm the type of mom that has been dressing him in pink since birth and encourages gender bending color strategies. I'm always changing all of the male characters in his construction books to females. Hank the Handman is known as Helen the Handywoman. Why should this be any different?

I kept thinking of the social pressure her in Cambridge. Would he get teased for it?

"Did you notice this one with the balls?"

"I want the one with the balls."

Oh, no, what have I done.

"What about the pink one?"

"I want the one with the balls, Mommy"

"OK" and I threw it in the cart. What else could I do.

Rather than move on. The next morning I took both kids to Target. It was all in the name of returning the boots I had bought for Kalian that didn't fit, but I really wanted to exchange those sheets. Since I had both kids, I quickly went through the store. When I got to the crib sheet section, I grabbed the pink one.

"But I want the one with the balls, Mommy." I hesitated.

"But you first said you liked the pink one?"

"The balls, the balls."

Ok, but I threw both sheets in the cart and bought Kalian a green toothbrush.

Legos - if we come, we will build it.

Liam's lego building (with our help) has recently included the following:

Target - mostly the shopping cart and checking out pretend play.

Computer - he likes to put his screen and keyboard on the table, sit in a chair and use a random cable we have sitting around as his mouse. he asks me if i want to watch youtube clips of tractors

TV and DVD Player - he insisted on building a case for his DVDs.

This is all simultaneously adorable and horrifying.

new? media analysis

I went to a great talk last night at MIT. That was an adventure in and of itself. First, my backpack is getting so heavy and the trek over there was slong. Just when I thought I was getting rid of the diaper bag .

Anyway, MIT is one giant maze of buildings. Literally, talk about the lab rat - it's incredible. I finally found the room. The two heads of the Comparative Media Studies program were speaking - which was my main incentive. Part of my coursework dilemma revolves around this one professor, HJ, whose class I want to take next semester, and I wanted to be sure it was worth the angst. It is. The other professor speaking was some dude from the Yale Law school. The talk was supposed to be part of a larger series on "Are newspapers dying?" Last night's was more of the new media aspect of it. The yale guy was fascinating but spoke so fast it was tough to keep up. They were all concerned with justice issues - not always directly- but as a subtext, and that was wonderful. Also, NB was there, and it was nice to be at an event with someone I'd almost call a cmrd - who is also my prof.

Anyway, HJ had some great points about how "fan culture" and bloggers, etc. may get involved in the internet for entertainment purposes but are then easily drawn in and participate in more political activities. He also presented some old evidence about the Internet and how people don't actually surf to a variety of sites - but mostly mainstream sites - not as democratic as people think - but then he actually debunked that with newer research that also says that people gointo their own niches and then spread out wide on the web. He just generally had a great, fun, demeanor. I look forward to the class and have already exchanged e-mails with him.

He also mentioned the democratic thrust these days of new media - that the issue used to be the digital divide and access to the Internet - he acknowledged that there are a lot of people who maybe get 10 minutes of slow filtered connection at the library, but the task now is new media literacy - i liked that phrase. He had a lot of good buzzwords and phrases...

But I had a bizarre experience in JC's class on Wednesday. We take turns presenting the reading, and the focus was on the foundations of journalism - the history behind it, so during the discussion, I raised the first amendment issue - challenged the author we read - Schudson on his analysis that the founders created the post office cheaper newspaper rates as a reaction to pressure and bribes from the newspapers. On the otherhand, Paul Starr and McChesney argue that they were created b/c the framers of the first amendment were not just concerned about free expression and the individual right to free speech but also the right to receive a wide variety of viewpoints, and there were so many newspapers back then from a range of political views that they subsidized the post office to get those voices heard. So I made the analogy of how in some ways, the journalism we have now is somewhat narrow and sanitized, if you look just at the mainstream, and perhaps the Internet can help us get back to those more varied routes - and I questioned what is better for democracy - that one story from large newspapers/tv news or the full range.

His response was simply that newspapers still have, as far as he knows, the third class rate for newspaper delivery. Huh?

At first I felt really stupid, like I hadn't been articulate enough, but after classmates said I raised a good point after the class, I realized he just didn't get it???







Something about JC's class - the statement I made and then all he did was make the comment about the post office....

not a lot of openness yet he did rail the point about caring mroe about shareholders than j'm - but hello, this is capitalism...

random random

I'm simultaneously grouchy and very excited about life right now. Just tried to get up with Chris. I had left him some messages and stupidly picked up the phone in the computer lab, where I shouldn't have picked up the phone, but I did, so I told him I had to call him right back. He wasn't too happy, and I couldn't reach him again.

I'm tired and hungry. Ate lunch at 11.30 - was starving - was glad Susan suggested I did after our study group to work on this really long and involved problem set, though I am glad that I am able to at least comprehend everything that's happening in the class

I'm still so perplexed about my classes. I love Chris Stone's class - teaching wise, he's just about the best I've ever had, but I just don't think I can cope. Ireally want to keep up with this blog and maybe apply to grad school and with the equivalent of 5 classes, I just don't think it will happen.

Stupidly (why am I beating myself up?) yesterday I went to get some quant help from deb. i was waiting for her outside her office, which happens to be next to chris stone's. Being fairly confident I was going to drop his class, I said, "I really enjoy your class, you're a great professor." which was sincere, but what I should have blurted out was also, "but i'm going to have to drop it." Deb was very helpful and patient. She is a powerhouse in the mathematical world and has won all sorts of teaching awards. She's a great teacher, but I feel very insecure every time I ask a teacher for help. I have a hard time thinking on my feet - or thinking too clearly when I'm asked a question and someone is watching me think. I think that's why being a director on film shoots was always so challenging. I alwasys thought I had to have my sh-- together first before acting.

So here is the classic dilemma. I really want to go do some yoga. My body is begging for it. I just can't justify blogging, doing yoga and going to this talk tonight. I have to make some real choices and it's tough. It's the same problem I have cutting down my courses. I love all of them, but criminal justice will just have to go, I think, but I keep delaying it. If I do the math, it's almost 3 hours/week in class plus at the very minimum, and if I cheat, just 2 hours per week on the reading, so that's 5 hours/week - it doesn't include writing the paper. Other issues are wanting to go to this conference, applying to grad school, etc. etc. I'm being repetitive, but that's the circle that's going around in my head. I just want to hunker down in my classes, and I can't yet because everything is still up in the air.

I'm also feeling massive guilt about Liam being at preschool so much and from being away from the kids so much.

Finally got my laptop up and running. I feel like there are so many settling in things I need to do that are just taking forever, and the semester will be over before I know it.

I turn 40 in 10 days. Yikes. I can't believe it.

liam's sad and i'm drowning in indecision

Sorry for the melancholy title.

It's so sad. Liam really misses Heart of a Child. He was crying for it today. He really misses his friends there. We wrote a letter to his friends there. It makes me and Chris so enormously sad, too. It's so good he can articulate his feelings, though. This is so hard and is making me second guess my feelings about moving here.

And the second day I dropped Liam off, he apparently went ballistic after watching his friends wave goodbye to their parents at the "goodbye" window. He was sobbing and upset all day. I didn't know about the window, so Jermaine helped him write a letter that said, "Mommy, I want to say goodbye to you at the window." When I saw it at the end of the day I just lost it. Mostly, I think, because I am not very clued into his - and Kalian's - routines enough.

Often, I'll comment to Chris how cute it is that Kalian did something or said something, and he'll quip, "Oh, she's been doing that for awhile." Gulp.

I'm still confused about whether or not to drop the Criminal Justice class. I'm a little hooked on the prof's teaching. He's amazing. He's so prepared...really reads our comments about the readings...and includes very recent events and articles in the class, as well as a global analysis. But I just don't think I can handle 4 1/2 classes and am trying to come to terms with taking 3 1/2 classes. Ego-wise it's tough...I also don't think I'll find such a great mgmt class in the spring...and it will make my spring much more constrained...and I wonder if it will look wimpy to only have 3 1/2 classes on my transcript if I apply for grad school this fall.

I do wonder if my two media classes are overkill. I spent the afternoon in the library reading the history of media issues for both CJ and NB classes. Is it overkill? Too much overlap?

But if I do take Quantitative Analysis & Emperical Methods, Journalistic Values in a Time of Upheaval, New Media and Democracy and Qualitative Research Methods that I will be doing EXACTLY what I want to be doing.

And that's exciting. I have done yoga a few times at the Mac gym - an older gym on campus that's actually quite beautiful and has a yoga room - unfortunately, it's freezing, but it's great to have the space and will hopefully keep my body from falling apart.

I also organized a study group for quant, which will hopefully keep my quant from falling apart.

same old media

In JC's class today, he had everyone go around the room, introduce themselves and say what type of media everyone consumes and a gripe about the media. Easy enough, I thought, and a great way to learn about the people in the class.

I was close to last, and all but one person said their main news source was the New York Times. The other person said the LA Times. "That's my boy," said JC.

Despite our recently getting a subscription, I couldn't help but just say Democracy Now and even mention the web site. What I wish I had also said The Daily Show and The Colbert report, which is admittedly the case on some days, but mostly to irk JC. He's very sweet and I respect the heck out of him. He's a journalist's journalist. True and True, but he also is very tied to trad'l journalism.

When people started making critiques of what the media do and don't do. He interrupted us halfway through and said he doesn't want sweeping accusations but personal gripes about what you want to see or don't see in the news when you "read" the newspaper in the morning.

Uh, but don't you get it?

But that led me to say that there isn't enough coverage of southern issues and when there is, it seems to be derisive. I should have shut up then, but I added that after having been a labor organizer, there's not enough coverage of labor issues. Hmm...now that I write it, I'm glad I did say it, but I'm definitely feeling more and more out of place in an environment where "liberal" is about as left as people can imagine.

The discussion so far has been very stymied. It's been great, though, to read Schudson and other classic journalism academics. Thank god, though, I have NB to balance things out. Now all I have to do is find the time to ingest the media I want, so I'm not talking out of my a__.

so much happening

Have had very little time to blog. Liam spent the morning throwing up. Dilemma as to if we should continue on with our planned family outing or let Liam relax at home. We also were confused as to whether or not to go to our block party, which I had been looking forward to. There were some families in the neighborhood that I wanted to meet.

But then Ssn invited us to World's End for a hike and then a potluck at her house. She is a public health nurse and a progressive that I wanted to get to know better, and I knew Mk would be there, too, with his family. Plus, we've been trying to do a family outing at least once/week-end and think it's good to get out of dodge to break up the stress a tad.

I decided to hang out with the kids in the morning since I was missing them, but then Chris took the kids out for a few hours while I organized myself and my notebooks, etc. It took almost 3 hours.

Liam was feeling better, so we risked him barfing up all over the car and threw the kids into the car (I use that phrase a lot...hmm....) and headed down to Hingham. We were cruising along the highway when the highway split to the left for the carpool lane and the right for everyone else. We were going so fast that I didn't think to go to the left. Immediately afterwards, traffic came to a standstill. It continued for about a half hour. Even before the clock really started to tick, I felt such incredible road rage - not really at other people but at myself. I kept beating myself up for not taking the other route. I can have such a aterrible temper. Chris' way of dealing with me when I get like that is to get quiet. I understand why he does that - because he doesn't want to say the "wrong" thing to set me off, but of course, I get frustrated when he doesn't respond and get even more angry. He just can't win.

Finally, an accident cleared up and we got off at the wrong exit. It was too confusing to get back on the highway, so I decided to just head out there on city streets. Of course, this made me ever the more frustrated. I think what was going on was that I was just under so much stress about my classes and feeling so unsettled that any little thing was setting me off. In the end, of course, it worked out better in some ways to do what we had done because we got to see the coast and the kids ended up with a longer nap.

World's End was beautiful - some type of nonprofit preserve on an outlet - not sure the name - the opposite of an inlet - but we were supposed to meet everyone on the main path- I had assumed it was a large meadown with a path around it, but it was very woodsy. Chris tried to call Ssn on her cell phone. It seemed necessary but very bizarre to use this technology at such a bucolic place. We just couldn't connect with her, and I had forgot to pack food for the kids in the ergo. Liam was riding his running bike, which turned out to be so much fun for him to off-road. C was getting frustrated, which was understandable given he was doing the talking, but we finally connected with the group. A nice size cohort - including the British diplomat and the Turkish dude who is so much fun. We took a long walk back and then headed to Ssn's for a potluck. It was so great to be at a house in the country with a huge backyard that the kids could just run free in, and there were lots of outdoor activities for the kids.

A bunch of us were all sitting around the table when the subject of age differences in all of our kids came up. People kept one-upping each other with stories of friends that had kids closer and closer apart - the winner was 11 months. Someone mentioned the concept of breastfeeding being a measure of birth control. I countered that statement, but then "wife" said something derisive to Third world women in terms of the myth around that and needing better birth control. Rather than saying something political, I launched into the anatomical specifics of what happens and why - everyone shut up after that, and I felt silly.

privacy at school

Am I really that nosy?

I went to my faculty advisor's assistant to schedule a meeting with him. While he was checking the calendar on his computer, I inadvertently looked at the large screen in front of me. He said, "Do you mind? This is private."

Another student of JC's and I went to the library to find a reading for the class. The library staff person said it wasn't on reserve and the book itself was checked out by a faculty member. I asked if it was JC? "That's private information. Of course, I can't share that with you."

Everytime I go to the computer lab that's stuffed with large computer screens just inches apart, it's so tough in a moment of boredom or thought not to glance at what another student is looking at. Am I invading their privacy?

Or during classes when students bring laptops and they're sitting right in front of me with these ever so expanding screens, it's impossible for my eyes not to wander toward what they're doing. Occasionally taking notes but most often surfing.

At at a time when people are more and more concerned with privacy issues that our lives are projected and entwined electronically.

I always do this blog with the tiniest type size, so the people around me can't read what I'm writing.

Watch out. It could be you.

school dazed and confused

I continue to be totally confused as to what to do with my class schedule. I was all set to drop NB's class on New Media & Democracy, but I thought the class today offered a lot of room for discussion and analysis of the issues I'm interested in. The folks taking the class were very intriguing as well, in terms of their background.

I'm quite quite glad that Chris encouraged me to sit in on the "A" section of the quant class today - it was a very "light" class - as Josh, the dude i talked to in the "A" section today said. I was confused as to which section to take - I had looked at the syllabus and realized we weren't even going to cover regression, which I wanted to learn, and I was afraid the B section wouldn't be challenging enough, but I was totally bored in the A class. The teacher was kind of a fun geek, but not nearly as good of a teacher as Deb - plus, I learned from Josh, and from the other quant instructor, whom I mistakenly thought was the "A" teacher, that we'd cover the same thing but just move faster. Why bother? I had been concerned that my grad school app would be stronger with the "honors" section, but I think it'd be better that I get a higher grade and boost my GPA - plus, it's a frickin' Harvard class. What do I expect?

It's been fun interacting with the youngin' PPPs. Jsh was very sweet and nice. I always wonder if I should blurt out that I'm going to be 40 in two weeks or randomly mention "my husband" or "my kids" when I think someone might be flirting with me - but I'm probably just reading into things too much.

Ack! I'm feeling very overwhelmed with all of the issues that I'm trying to sort out and figure out...oops, I just repeated myself - and that's just about how I'm feeling - not sure if i'm really getting anywhere.

I'm really bummed I'm not taking Keyssar's class, but I think it would seem somewhat repetitive of what I've done. Anyway, trying to figure out classes, answering e-mail, spending time with the kids....I don't have time to absorb any news - and that's why I'm here. Oh, and yoga feels totally thrown out the window. I haven't settled into a routine, so it just feels impossible to even begin t figure out a time to practice. Because I haven't nailed down my classes, I haven't bought any books, had time to configure my new computer, get a decent backpack - my back is killing me...and no yoga...oh, the circular complaints I have right now. Inhale. Exhale.

One drawback in my schedule is that if I take NB's class I won't be free for any of the lunchtime Shorenstein Center for Politics and Press seminars. And this Thursday is one featuring reporters from Iraq. I went to the Shorenstein open house. It was at lunchtime, and it was kind of a drag because all of these first year MPPs showed up and came just for the free pizza. Get out my way! I'm trying to schmooze! I had a brief conversation with a visiting prof about grad school. Yet another academic trying to talk me out of academia. Said hey to JC - then felt bad 'cuz I immediately cut to TP to try to talk him up, but he was clearly stressed out trying to spend this big grant that he had gotten and didn't have time to deal with students. sigh. All of the media class profs (except Bowie...hmmm....do they schedule the seminars intentionally so he can't show up???) pitched their classes.

What to do...what to do...what to do...

Good thing is that none of my classes went to bidding. There's this wild system here where if classes are over subscribed, you have a set number of points to use to bid on classes. I think it's a quirky badge of honor for certain profs' classes to go to bidding.

Glad I didn't have to gamble this semester - have enough to obsess about.

first day of real classes

I felt stupid in criminal justice class saying something that made it clear I didn't do the readings . I'll take the course, but I'm not convinced I like this dude - he's looking for very specific answers. I wanted to comment how the speechin the readings by Bush in Philly was interesting because that's where some of the worst police brutality has been...though I don't quite think that's what he was looking for.

As I wrestle with my classes, I decided last night at the very last minute that I should take a course that fulfills the management (yuck) requirement and this would be a good choice, though I didn't even shop it. Then, at about midnight last night I read that we're supposed to comment on the class blog about the readings - by 10pm the night before. Oops. The class sylabus is very interesting - and so is the professor overall. We'll be reading fiction, including Gordimor, and he seems liberal enough, and he gets incredibly high ratings. It was a fascinating class, though it will be challenging for me to keep up, though. I hope it's worth it.

I'm also confused because I really want to take the B class on Media and Democracy class, but he's so darned disorganized. He blurred the two shopping sessions into one, never answered anyone's questions, and asked us to introduce ourselves, but after I started went off on another tangent and never got around to anyone else. Though he would be a wealth of info - maybe for an R & R? (Reading and research class).

It took me all afternoon to get somewhat organized and do my quant - and then I realized how incredibly easy it was going to be - all a repeat of what we did in the summer - I'm still wrestling with the option of taking the harder course, but then perhaps it would be be better for me not to kill myself and get a higher gpa for grad school.

JC's class was kind of wacky - he just talked about his experiences and gave an adequate intro to the class, but no real discussion. It felt like he was giving a talk and we were just politely asking him questions.

I came home and noone was home. It was so strange. Was someone sick? Hurt? But clearly when Chris had left he had brought in a delivered package, so he hadn't left in ahurry.....so I turned on NPR for the first time in forever and started cooking. I honestly wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. Despite our struggling still with our schedules, it's pretty set that when I get home, I'm "on" with the kids til Liam goes to bed at 9 and then it's off for studying. I'm never here by myself and was really missing everyone. Turned out that Chris thought I had chess club tonight, so wasn't rushing home. I definitely understand the desire to have the kids out and about if you're "stuck" with them for a really long day into the night.

I was so tired today. It was hard to play legos with Liam tonight, so we did the dishes together. Doing something productive like that made me feel a little better and Kalian is getting tougher to get to sleep. It's a bummer. Maybe I should start putting her to bed earlier agian. It might make it easier. I miss them during the day!

2nd shopping day

I'm totally overwhelmed with trying to figure out classes. I had a stomachache before my stats class. I'm now regretting showing up at 201 stats/quant class. It was so boring. Will the A section be more work but be more interesting and challenging in a good way? The interesting thing is that I think I would like to use calculus, but do I want to do the work? Will it help me in my applications to be in the A section or will anyone even know? I'm very confused, and if I sign up for the A section now I might be very far behind. Should I e-mail the prof of the A section? Why not.

Great, though, to have Allison and her little babe sitting in class. I met her back at the reception for admitted students. She was pregnant at the time and planning on having her baby 6 weeks before classes started. I thought, "yeah right." We'll see if she's there, but then I heard her speak at her class' intros, which was very exciting. She had her babe wrapped in a didymos-like wrap. The babe slept the whole time. But the amazing thing was that she was the resident expert on the topic in our quant class - charter schools. It was very cool to see her participate and speak so eloquently by holding her two month old . It was great - and Deborah was very accomodating, as well. Go moms!

I'm not crazy about the Macro class - so now I'm wondering if I should sacrifice it for qualitative analysis class. Yikes, I need to decide within 24 hours. Uh oh. I think I do want to take the macro class and the instructor is supposed to be good, but she wasn't very appealing while shopping - maybe she was one of the profs who doesn't like to shop their classes. Don't blame them, really.

More classes to shop today and the shorenstein open house is today ....

Shopping Daze on September 11

Today was the first day of "shopping" at the K school - yes, that's right, except it isn't for material goods, per se, but for intellectual knowledge. Oh, please, pick your vomit up and listen up - we get to try out classes while the profs pitch them to us. As one of them called it, "A dog and pony show." Well, I guess given the fact that it does cost so much money per class here - hmm... well over 5k/class, they darned well should let us try it on before we buy.

It is September 11, and didn't George the I implore us to go out and spend spend spend.

It's pretty cool, but also very overwhelming. It does give us a chance to figure out if we really do want to take a course, but of course, I'm even more confused now. So many great classes to choose from.

It was also Liam's first day at preschool - just for an hour with Chris there, and Kalian was supposed to go to the co-op, but juggling our schedules for this week has been a complete nightmare - trying to figure out drop-off for Liam on his first solo day tomorrow. Chris was supposed to work at the co-op tomorrow, but he has to be there at 8.30am, which is the earliest time we could even drop off Liam, so Chris can't be too places at once, and I need to leave at 8.15am to go straight to a class. Long story and confusing, but we have so many kinks. Chris and I were fighting like crazy over who had it tougher in terms of scheduling. Some times it just feels like a competition - it's so trite, but I really do want to be on the same team!

I feel like we're doing a lot more arguing these days - this new beginning and juggling our schedules has been so intense and stressful.

The first class I had this morning had this long name - like a lot of classes here at the K school - "Why are countries poor, volatile and unequal" or something like that - it sounded fascinating and the prof was overall pretty cool and at least wasn't too far out in right field, but I'm not sure his analysis is spot on. He definitely at least talk the talk that the disparity was wrong, but his solutions seemed more along the liberal lines of Jeff Sachs rather than any structural changes.

The second class I shopped was JC's - "Journalism in a Time of Upheaval" - yet another long name. I think it will be intriguing and exactly down my interest path, but he's not an academic and has never taught before, so I don't know how that will pan out. He does come from a heap of experience as editor of some of the most major daily papers and on the Pulitzer board. It was also weird because it was the beginning of being "followed" by a contingent of the Nieman fellows who were also shopping the media classes at the K school. I found myself feeling somewhat resentful of them after Chris' experience - resentful in that I didn't want them to get a spot in a class that is sure to be packed.

The third class was MI's class on Media and Foreign Policy - I think the title is longer than that, though it just doesn't have to be. She's a big time Washington insider, but also went back and got her PhD, so she could be someone I should put on my "talk to" list. She was some bigwig on Mondale's campaign staff. She made some interesting points about the differences between mass and elite opinion, but all in the context of polls, which to me tend to deal more with process than policy - more of the horseracing and short-term than anything longterm. I wish I could put my finger on it.

The fourth class was, believe it or not, another media class. The Nieman pack was there, as well. It was ET's class. He is an editor at Newsweek. He was entertaining and his class actually fulfills one of our distribution requirements, but he basically talked about himself and his war stories - and lo and behold, most of the reading is from, you guessed it Newsweek. 'nuf said.

The final class I shopped was my advisor's - Alex Keyssar's. He's my advisor, whom I chose. His class called, "Reasoning from History," seems incredibly thought provoking, and he comes from progressive roots - he's assigning a very interesting book on the history of Iraq, which he introduced as a reading that if current policy makers had read, they would have never gone to war, but I've certainly already thought about these issues .

It was an exausting day and is making my head spin. It was also a bizarre day to be back on campus with it packed with students, and so much security for the 5th anniversary. They shut off traffic all round the Harvard Square T right at the time the first plane went into the World Trade center, and there was tons of security around campus, as well as a moment of silence organized by the Dean here. I didn't go - felt guilty, but felt like there was too much going on....I'm sure this will be a familiar theme.

When I got home, Liam said, "Everyone has a name tag and everyone has a ticket to the game." His mind is really working - much more than mine right now.

2 kids and a wedding

We have been so spoiled.

In the Bay Area and here to some small extent, we've structured our lives around an amazing community of other families that socialize together. If we go to more "adult" events, we'd get a sitter (oh, how we miss Mickey!). So when Chris mentioned that his friend Brian's wedding was going to be very family friendly, we didn't think twice about throwing them in the car and heading down to Providence.

Fortunately, Kalian fell asleep in the car. Liam still usually naps in the afternoons, but the wedding was at 12.30 - we figured it'd be short, we'd have lunch at the reception and then nap him (Brian said we could use their place) or tool around Providence outside.

Oops.

First off, since we're not church/synagogue goers, we didn't really have any formal clothes for the kids. I brought a jean jumper for Kalian to wear but didn't want to risk her tripping all over the place in a new environment, so I kept her in her pants, which was remarkably less formal than everyone else there. Fortunately, the tuxedo pants that I got for Liam two years ago miraculously still fit him, but I had to match that with the cleanest t-shirt I could find. We were misfits from the getgo.

But of course everyone fell in love with our adorable kids at the wedding - or at least before and afterwards. I spent the entire ceremony chasing Kalian around. My plan was to breastfeed her during the actual ceremony to keep her quiet. That worked for about 3 minutes before she wanted to run around. Liam was asking very legitimate questions - quite loudly in his sweet voice, so Chris had to hold him and quiet him down while I watched Kalian go up and down the hallway.

The wedding was outside, fortunately, which dulled a lot of the kids noise. It started about 45 minutes late - and we were all getting hungry. Finally, aftewards, we wandered upstairs to a beautiful room overlooking the river. Kate (the bride) and her mother were so generous with trying to make sure we were all set up - they even had highchairs for Kalian and for Miranda, Mike and Debbie's 8 month old. But Chris and I spent the first 20 minutes going back and forth between the bar and the table with yummy appetizers trying to appease our hungry and cranky kids.

Unfortunately, it took another 2 hours to serve the meal. We should have left earlier - but we kept thinking they'd serve lunch. Normally, I wouldn't notice at all, but rather than be able to mingle with folks, we ended up making sure the kids didn't disrupt too many people or the fine glass, furniture and wait staff, who were not too happy with the kidlets. It was so exhausting. Kalian kept wanting to shake down a delicate glass structure and climb up a set of stairs and Liam kept whining for something or singing loud renditions of Justin Roberts - poor guy was exhausted and bored stiff. We neglected to bring any toys. We generally don't because we usually do activities that keep them involved.

Chris and I had to take turns eating, which was not very pleasant. During my turn to eat, I envied Mike and Debbie, whose daughter (they only had one!) was taking her nap. Oh, and to think we had it hard with one!

I finally insisted that we leave. I was about to lose it. So we ended up following Brian over to his house, where they were having people over for more food. It somehow happened that although I was spending so much time corralling the kids, I kept worrying that I wouldn't get enough to eat, so I actually overate, and was stuffed, so the thought of more food was nauseating.

Lucky for us, Brian had the DVD "Free to be you and me" - and Liam happily watched that - though I requested (hmmm....it wasn't as nice as that) that Chris chase Kalian around. When we're together, we tend to play man to man defense, and I usually end up covering Kalian while Chris covers Liam. Now that Liam is older, it's a much easier job, so I just needed a break.

We had Liam's running bike in the car, so I suggested one of us take him out before we head home - so he gets a chance to expend some energy. I was so tired and full that I didn't want to do it. Chris was right, however, when he insisted that it would make me feel better. I went down with my feet dragging, but it did turn out to be very therapeutic - to be walking at a fast pace - which I need to do to keep up with Liam on his bike - outside in the fresh air - with one kid! It was utter bliss. To top it off, so many people we passed on our adventure were so nice - and said hello - and even smiled. Wow, it was so refreshing.

We had meant to throw the kids back in the car by 7pm, but, of course, everything takes longer than you think, so I felt like I had to rally everyone to go - which I also resented. The last straw was that I was trying to get Kalian - who was stuck on the other side of a door. I couldn't open the door because she was right in front of it, and she was crying for me. It was very frustrating because there were about 5 adults sitting in the living room just watching it happen - hello, could someone help me out here? Only after asking, did I get help. I wish I hadn't been so brisk with everyone as we were leaving but I had no energy for niceties.

Ah, the quiet ride home in the car was utter bliss. I don't know how my parents used to take us to so many weddings growing up - my dad's students were always inviting us. I distinctly remember loving the cake and the dancing. We had cake that we were feeding Liam so he would quiet down (I know parent no-no #23), but maybe what was missing at Brian's wedding was the funky chicken.

from cambridge to serbia

another wild gamut of a day - i guess this is part 2 - i'll backtrack. liam and chris are at a sox/royals game. i actually have an early evening to myself. am i kicking back? no, i'm blogging. had a nice chat with P at the cambridge commons - she was so glowing about how impressed she is with everything i do/have done - including being a mama in this program - ah, still not sure how to walk this line.

earlier, went to an info session for the phd program. it was discouraging and depressing - i definitely don't want to do the harvard public policy program - too much quant and you have to do quite well - uh, like straight a's - and they definitely tried to talk you out of it - and were very down on midcareer's going for it - the director didn't quite say it like this but it came out like if you've spent this much time in your life not doing research, we won't believe that you really do want to do it. the shor. dir. also tried to talk me out of it - that it's a waste of time and opportunity cost.

so after my chat with the shorenstein director, i walked across the charles river - well, i'm not that saintly - on the bridge, of course. i've never been to that part of town/campus, so it was a nice adventure and break - though ever executing a specific task - to pick up cheap computer software for my laptop that just came in - yahoo! so as you walk south on jfk drive, the magnificent and opulent business school hides behind mature trees to the left hand side. on the right, is the harvard athletic complex, including their football stadium that looks like a cheap roman cathedral. immediately afterwards, i was in the 'hood. definitely the other side of the tracks. bye bye cute cambridge streets and shops, hello low-income housing and boston strip malls. not surprising given our society of contrasts but a good wake-up call for me.

after i walked back, i ran into the guy from serbia who was in my econ class, and the sweet turkish guy. the serbian dude in the class was the most ultra free market proponent i've ever heard - he sounded incredibly naive. i was taken aback, then, when i heard them talk about their experiences at the business school. as k school students we can take classes at the business school, the law school, anywhere at the faculty of arts or sciences or even mit or fletcher at tufts. one student they know had walked out of a class when another student raved about how great it is there are so many poor people so he could get rich. yikes. ok, that's a big he said she said he said, but what was interesting was how serbian dude was so critical of that belief.

he then launched into an incredible and wonderful critique of u.s. boards of directors - corporate governance was a class they were both thinking of taking, but they realized since they weren't richie riches by birth they would never make it to that level, so what's the point? he also gave a seething description of the us aid (after i mentioned the golf war) - and their involvement in serbia with some harvard bus school prof who has some business cluster theory he got some big us aid grant - $25 million - to implement in serbia - which, as the dude pointed out - is basically a monopoly. but rather than give the money to local serbian businesses (the theory is that if three table companies, for example are competing and not doing well that they can pool their resources and make a kick-ass table by one of them specializing in the legs, one in the table top and another in, oh, i don'g know - though, as the dude pointed out it's a oligopoly, really) the harvard prof got his friend's company (or was it himself?) a big kickback - they then called in booz allen hamilton to do consulting - i.e. do nothing - and they got a nice 40% off the top. i was very impressed when one he said that one of these institutions offered him a job but he refused out of principle.

and to think the u.s. could have made him a free market leader - i mean u.s. brown noser - but look what they've got instead.

Schizo Mommy

This week continues to challenge us as we navigate our new schedule before settling into a routine with the kids in preschool. I was supposed to watch Liam this morning while Chris took Kalian to Co-op for the whole morning for her first day of school. Let me say that again. For her first day of school! My baby. Ok, it's just a toddler program a few mornings/week, but it was still her first day.

However, in my quest to figure out classes for the coming year, I had only been able to schedule a meeting with NP, the director of the Shorenstein Center on Politics and the Press, for 10 am. I had tried to figure out all kinds of confusing childcare arrangements, but Chris finally said he could stay with Kalian for 45 minutes and then leave her for awhile and "relieve me" (sounds horrible - he didn't say it like that) of Liam duty. It all started out like clockwork. I got to do about 45 minutes of yoga this morning. (My back has been killing me, so I have had to really modify my practice), and then we all headed out to K's school - at a church in Porter Square.

We took pictures, and then Liam and I got his bike out and set out to look for a park. After getting directions, we set out north on Mass Ave. After a block or so, we passed a fire station. A very nice firefighter invited us in. He then proceeded to spend a generous 30 minutes letting him sit in the driver's seat, pick up the boots and helmet and sitting in the paramedic van, etc. etc. Liam was at first shy and said he didn't want to, but of course he was thrilled during and afterwards.

We then went back to the parking lot of the church, where we were to meet Chris. He came out 10 minutes late - normally not a big deal, but I had to get to this meeting, so I was grouchy, and he said that Kalian was very upset. I snapped at him, he snapped back, and then we got in the car. Apparently, the woman who was supposed to watch Kalian while Chris left instead tended to her own family for awhile, so Kalian was trapped in that zone of Dad saying goodbye but not leaving for another 10 minutes. Wah! My baby. She's always been so mellow, so it was hard to hear. She had done great with the fabulous Inga the night before - just crying a bit after realizing we were gone.

More on Kalian in a bit...

So I barely made it to the K school on time. I was pretty sure I knew the name of the woman I was meeting, but I was worried that I didn't have the right name and wasn't sure of her office number, so I raced into the computer lab to look it up. I then rushed (again, that rushing) to the bathroom and then up to the Shorenstein center. When I found her office (with some help) I apologized for being a minute late. A minute late? Who apologizes for a minute late?

She asked me how I was doing, adjusting, etc. and I replied that it was going well, that I had enjoyed the summer program but that it was a stressful time as we were making so many family adjustments, like new schools for the kids. We then had a pretty decent discussion about her take on courses, professors, etc. The career counselor that had referred me to her had told me that she had twins, and I saw the child drawings on her wall, so I asked her about her kids.

We chitchatted a few minutes, and then I said, "May ask you a personal and professional question?" She said I could, so I told her I felt challenged by how to project myself as a professional and a mother - that I had done an "oops" after sending her an e-mail. In it, I said that I could meet at her proposed time of 10am but that later in the afternoon was better for me because of childcare issues. I regretted it - why do I always need to define myself as a mother, yet that has been my life and is certainly an integral part of who I am now. However, will I continue to use that as an excuse if I can't make a date or finish an assignment? It's real, but will I just be pigeonholed into a less than competent student/prof'l because of the mom baggage? I didn't ask her all of this, but I did mention that the last 4 years or so I've mostly had a community of women around me - and sympathetic men/yoga students, etc. - and now I'm not wearing the mom hat so prominently. How do you do it??!!??

She first answered by telling me that at a recent center event, everyone went around and introduced themselves by telling something personal. An older dad proudly spoke of his two young sons. She said that she would never ever do that. She saw it as a way of defining herself at work, rather than as the director of the center - i.e. a professional. I'm choosing the word professional but I also see something like "activist" or a number of other ID's aside from a mother. Again, these should not be separate, but am I trying to survive in this world outside motherhood?

During our discussion, that felt great to have, my cell phone quietly buzzed. I apologized, knowing it was Chris. Sure enough, during this meeting, he had to rush back over to the co-op to pick up Kalian who was screaming and miserable - she was crying for us as I was talking about motherhood. Hmmm....

School Daze

"Mommy, your ama is like a hill with a rock on top," said Liam today.

Ack! So many new schools starting. I have somehow remained fairly grounded up til today, but my head has been spinning today. Chris has been working like a maniac on Kalian's new co-op preschool - it's an organization that has policies that don't make sense, but that they've been doing for so long that they are not interested in changing - i.e. I had to print out 17 copies of the detailed board meeting minutes that Chris typed up. Uh, "Why can't you just e-mail them to everyone?" I asked him tonight. He said he did but they want hard copies, as well. Hmm...I've certainly been in those orgs before. No wonder Bush is still president, we keep makin' copies...

This morning, I thought I'd take advantage of the fact that Liam's preschool teacher and our friend Inga was coming over to do a thorough house clean - including the first real clean of the bathroom. I fantasized that I'd also re-organize the closets, and so some course prep work as well. Ha! One hour into the job, while Chris had taken the kids on the bike to the park, I was barely done scrubbing the toilet, so then I rushed to pick everything up. I hadn't even swept when Chris came home with the kids, so I tried to patiently work with Liam to vacuum and sweep. Chris and I had just enough time to take showers before Marissa, Liam's new preschool teacher came over. Why do we clean when company comes, anyway? It was so great that she came over, but it also felt stressful to try to introduce ourselves and Liam, as well as ask all of the questions we had - all within the context of her getting to play with Liam. We were lucky to get out Liam's potty training status and that he has no food allergies and likes to play with legos before she had to go.

After that, I had to rush over to the K school to prepare for my meeting with my advisor. I am still working out the kinks computer-wise and didn't have my course decisions with me, so I had to edit out the personal and negative comments on my copy to give to A.K. His assistant had very formally scheduled our meeting, and I had sent out a copy of my CV to him. Earlier this summer I had painstakingly filled out a long form with detailed questions about my goals and interests for him. But when I knocked on his door, he very sweetly and absent minded professor-like asked me who I was and apologized for not having looked at any of my info.

However, he ended up being incredibly helpful, and we had some mutual connections from Duke - LW, for one. He was very helpful in giving candid feedback on the professors I am considering for courses. He was very tactful not to diss anyone, but instead chose to give positive feedback on certain professors and none on others that I presumed he was not recommending. Of course, this shook up my schedule even more, so now I'm even more confused as to what classes to take. I'm trying to balance research methods/quant with media and then my distribution requirements and taking something "fun" - feels impossible with only 2 semesters.

I also "tried on" the PhD hat and told him I was going to go for it. He outlined a number of steps for me - that I had already considered but that I thought were helpful: 1. bulk up my resume/pedigree 2. focus on what I'm interested in 3. get to know folks who would help me - that's why I was meeting with him. Guess I'm on the right track. I felt great after talking with him - that I was taking the right step forward.

So then I stopped by K's office - the sec of MG - she had suggested stopping by for her story of dealing with the Cambridge school system for her kid with developmental needs. Her story was heartwrenching (though stranger pickup was int) trying to navigate the system for her kid who turned out to be mildly autistic. It made me even more weary of trying to navigate the system and fight for appropriate services for Liam. After she mentioned mothering magazine, I mentioned that I had homebirths - which appeared to impress her. She wanted to have a playdate....Introducing, the wonderous homebirthin' mama Jen!

Then, I had to rush (I'm using that word quite a bit...) back home and make a salad for the dinner we were serving Inga and the kids while Chris and I headed out to a parent orientation for Liam's preschool. The 3 minute walk to and from the school was a nice date for Chris and me. And it did feel like a nice break to be served nice food and wine, but then I realized that it all comes out of our tuition. We miss Heart of a Child! But we are excited about the program there. After schmoozing, we sat down to an introduction of the teachers, policies, etc. blah blah blah. I kept telling Chris the whole night not to sign up for any committees. He seems to be doing enough with the co-op, and we are struggling so much financially that we should really be getting one of the scholarships. Is that selfish? Then, he raised his hand, before he asked his question, he gave me a "don't kill me" look and asked how much time is involved in each committee. Fortunately, we left without being recruited and with some cookies stuffed in my purse.

Random kid tidbits....

Today, Chris went to a co-op meeting and to the gym, and I had the privilege of hanging out with the kids this morning. It honestly never felt that way before, but now that I don't seem them as often, it definitely does. We had fun playing "trolley car tour guide" where we drove all over the Bay Area and waved to all of our haunts and friends - and picked up a lot of them on the way. It was very sweet. We played play dough, and Liam had the great idea, after Chris had shown him the movie, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," to make Violet and chewing gum out of play dough. Then he fed Violet the blueberry gum, and she, of course, turned into a giant ball of blue playdough (i.e. a blueberry) - he then took Violet to the "juicing room" - which was one of those plastic playdough machines that turns a lump into spaghetti strings or something like that. Too cute.

Kalian's starting to say more words, like "ba" for ball, "da" for dog, and of course, dada, mama, yeah, and hmmm...what else? If you sing, "Old McDonald had a farm" she'll sing "E-I-E-I-O" Admittedly, this is all such a relief - after Liam's speech challenges.

Bummer about Liam's therapy stuff. We walked over to the Cambridge Public School Family Resource Center to sign Liam up for therapy, as per the director of special education directed us. Oops - he was wrong. We have to go somewhere else. Meanwhile, we didn't call a local resource early enough (Emerson) to get Liam signed up for close to free therapy sessions. Ugh.

Pretty In Pink

One of the things I don't want to let go of as a mom is buying the kids shoes, so since it's already cool autumn weather, I went out with Kalian to buy her first real pair of shoes today. I ended up driving out to Wild Child in Arlington - an amazing store of very expensive but gorgeous maternity and kids clothes and accessories. I wanted her to have a good pair of shoes but also something fun. The store manager brought out three pairs of pink, yes pink shoes. One pair of Ecco shoes seemd like the perfect rugged style I wanted for her - not like the Mary Jane type she had also brought out, but they were raspberry pink. I asked her if they came in any other color - she said brown. I said great. She brought them out, but meanwhile I had put Kalian in the pink pair to check out the fit. She was having a blast at the store. Very kid friendly. It was so nice just to be out with one kid. It was so easy!

Anyway, the shoes were adorable, but there was something inside of me that said, "you can't buy her pink shoes!" So after deliberating and shopping for over 20 minutes, I asked the salesperson for the brown pair, paid for them and was about to pick her up, when I thought, "these are fun - it's ok if she has pink shoes!" and I got her the pink shoes. The saleslady said, "You won't regret it."

When I brought them home, Liam wanted to play shoe store (thanks to the great pretend play at Heart of a Child, his beloved Berkeley preschool) with her shoes, and he also really wanted to put her shoes on her all by himself and tie them. He just can't quite manage it, and Kalian was getting frustrated, so I, unfortunately, had to do most of it myself, so Kalian wouldn't trip on the shoelaces. It all definitely inspired me to get a new pair for Liam.

Anyway, we then finished getting the kids dressed, and we threw the kids in the charriot bike trailer/stroller and walked over to the K school for a barbeque for all of the K school students. It was packed with all of the younger mpp and mpa students there. Chris met a mom with a toddler Kalian's age, and then we also started chatting with another mom - S - that I had met who also has a toddler. They are both boys and started to splash around in a mud puddle. Of course, Kalian wanted to play there, too, but I kept her from getting wet. Was it because her shoes are new? Or was it because they were pink? I thought about these questions and wondered if this is yet another manifestation of how our culture keeps women down - is it worse to get pastels dirty - colors that girls are thrust into? than to get brown/blues dirty - colors of clothes made for boys? Would I have done the same thing for Liam? if her shoes had been brown? Ultimately, for me, at least, they were cool new shoes that I just wasn't ready to get caked in mud, though I'm sure they will be soon.

A few moments later, Kalian had found a soccer ball and literally spent the next 15 minutes kicking it around the courtyard in her new pink shoes.

What have I gotten myself into

Just received an e-mail from the K school career office. This is a graf from their newsletter about recruiting on campus:

"The following organizations are currently on our schedule for briefings: Federal Bureau of Investigation, Federal Reserve Bank of New York, McKinsey & Company, PA Consulting Group, Analysis Group, CIA, Boston Consulting Group, Bosch Foundation Fellowship Program, Booz Allen Hamilton, Chemonics, RAND, Eli Lilly, Accenture, LMI, Maximus, US State Department, FAA, GAO, IMF."

Where's Haliburton in this list?

'nuf said.

Kalian's Growing Up

Today, we went to Kalian's co-op preschool for the annual fall clean-up day. I can't believe she's starting a toddler program already. Was't I just screaming, "It's a girl! It's a girl!"?

Chris is the main cog in the co-op wheel. He rode his bike over there earlier to get started, and then I brought the kids over. When I arrived, he, as co-op secretary, was taking "attendance." I asked him where my name was on the list. He said, "You're not a member. I am." Gulp.

I stayed outside in the play area watching the kids and getting to know some of the other parents who were watching kids while partners and other members were cleaning. At one point, a woman came screaming outside, "Noone's watching my daughter, and she's climbing up on those monkey bars all by herself." I quickly looked over, expecting to see one of the 15 month old babes. Instead, a 3 year old (?) girl had expertly brought over a small slide and had used it as a ladder to get onto the monkey bars. Instead of rushing over, I just thought, good for her. You go girl. Is it because I'm not a first time mom? I guess this co-op thing will take awhile to get going, though that was probably the last time I'd spend any substantial time over there. I'm going to try to schedule it, so I can pick Kalian up occasionally, but Chris will be doing all of the dropping off, working at the co-op one day/week, and certainly all of the outside duties.

Tonight, Liam had gone to bed early, and Chris and I were chatting in the kitchen. I opened up the fridge to put something away, and Kalian came in saying "Mo, mo, mo" which means "more" - I just assumed she wanted something to eat, but Chris said, "No, she wants you to go play with the puzzle with her." Boy, did that make me feel like an work-away-from-home parent. Sigh.

But I did teach her to string beads tonight. So there!

Ama

"I want ama!" Liam cried as I walked in the door tonight from being at school for orientation.

"Ama, Ama, Ama" cried Kalian as she saw me pick up Liam, who was in tears. He had been a little sick that day, so I focused on him. I usually say hi to both of them with a kiss as I walk in the door, but I pick up Kalian, so I can breastfeed her, but Liam's needs seemed more urgent.

That just sent Kalian through the roof, though - to have me keep the comfy breastmilk away from her. I took Liam into our bedroom to lay down with him. He was feverish, and he wanted to hold ama, which I let him do for comfort, ever since I weened him, though I want to ween him from that some time this year.

Kalian kept screaming, "Ama, Ama, Ama," so when she toddled into the bedroom I picked her up and brought her onto the bed. Liam was not too happy with that, especially as Kalian craweled toward one of the Amas. "I want two amas!" cried Liam and kept a firm grip on both, but with Kalian now red with rage and frustration, I gently removed one of Liam's hands and allowed Kalian to start breastfeeding. But I had to do this lying on my back, with Liam on his side holding one, and Kalian lying on top of me, as if I were a pig trough. Liam then wanted me to read him a book, so I somehow managed to read a book in the process.

I have a whole new level of respect for parents who work away from home. Those crucial few moments walking in the door are the most transition time from "work/study" to "family." Today, Harvard had their farmer's market, so I stopped to pick up a few necessities - and not so necessary chocolate chip cookies. Then, Chris called to ask if I'd stop at Savenor's to pick up some olive oil. I felt like I was somehow providing for my family and helping out domestically by buying these few things, but I also felt guilty for "using" this time that I was somehow taking away from Chris by my not being home to relieve him of his kid duty. I also find myself, getting organized before walking in the door. I also feel guilty about taking those 15 seconds to put my bags down, take off my shoes, etc., so I try to organize that before coming in the door. Whatever happened to being met at the door with the newspaper and a drink? Ah, the good old days.

Now, instead of a drink for me, I just let my kids suck me dry.

Doh!

I created this very complicated morning and afternoon based on a reception at the Shorenstein Center that didn't happen. Argh! I read the date wrong. Normally, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but with the kids involved in the childcare swaparoos, it is a huge hassle, and I feel terrible and frustrated and stupid because I stressed out our whole family to make it here.

Fun, though, to be here at school and to see my classmates again. Met Tv's wife and their kids. That was fun.

bread and roses

The weather finally cleared and so did my conscience about visiting my dad. I think Chris will take the kids sometime this fall. It's a little scary to be away from Kalian, but I think it will be good overall.

Had a great "adult" - note, not grown-up, meeting with Mk about our course selection over chai this morning. It felt so great to have someone to talk about the angst over something I never realized would be such a big deal. I wonder if a lot of mid-careers are in the same boat - we may have a general idea of what we want to study but, for me, at least, I came here to get some renewed energy for my work, get a degree, figure out what i want to do, etc. and the actual classes seemed like a small part of it all. But after having such fun this summer taking classes and wanting to fit in all of my specific goals of topic and method (of news media analysis) - I feel overwhelmed. I also want to follow the advice of the much appreciated article on the mid-career site called "My mom is an mpa" - that moms might want to limit the amount of classes that require group work because parents tend to be much more disciplined with time and kidless students tend to wait til the last minute.

So then I took the kids to that fun morning at the park. We had lunch and then threw the kids in the car and headed up to Lawrence for their commemorative Bread and Roses Strike Labor Day event. Highlights included:
-Great song by Anne Sweeney about being an activist mother - kids who slowly realize their friends don't play "bulk mail" or when their car broke down and someone picked them up and kindly drove them to a gas station, but the kids said they couldn't go to Exxon because they are boycotting it. All of this made me feel even more determined to get back into activism. One step at a time, I suppose.
-Not a lof of younger folks - not sure if this was a commentary on the town of Lawrence or on the movement - probably both.
-Of all of the food at the festival - no meatless options - literally except french fries and funnel cakes (and fried oreos, snickers, etc.). We opted for french fries for dinner. Ok, ok, we're not in the bay area anymore.
-Liam rode on a pony!
-We took a great tour around the city in a trolley car (borrowed for the day from Salem) to learn about the history of the town and the strike - fascinating, though it was a challenge keeping Kalian happy for an hour
-Heard a great band - the mammals that Liam rocked out to.
-Mk and his family showed up after I mentioned it to him. Maybe I still can organize....

The Park Ain't So Bad Anymore

Those drudgery days at the park. I got so bored and sick of taking Liam to the park during my pregnancy that I finally swore I would never go again without meeting another mom/parent there.

I took Liam and Kalian to a neighborhood park today. I had a lot of fun. It's not so bad when a I only take them twice/month...

Mommy, do you want to go with us?

Oh, it breaks my heart. I'm staying here to work, and Liam wanted to know if I'd go to the Children's museum with them. I wonder if I really do need to pour over the course books to decide what courses to take or if I should just blindly take classes and probably come out with the same outcome...

A Man's Work

We're playing legos and Liam said he was going to be "daddy." "I have to go to work." I asked him where, and he said "to the kitchen."

Oh yeah.

Coming Home

After coming home from our trip and unpacking, it was strange to have Chris thank me for helping put the stuff away. Boy, our roles sure have been reversed. And the next morning, Liam woke up and didn't know where he was. He asked if we were still in a hotel. Sigh.

Despite the fascinating and fun (though exhausting) Vermont trip we had, I felt guilty about going. My dad had surgery on Monday. It was supposed to be simple outpatient surgery to remove skin cancer. When we came home I called my parents, and my mom recounted a day-long ordeal that ended up with my dad having plastic surgery all over his face and head. My mom had to deal with yet another scary day in the hospital alone. I wish we had gone to North Carolina, instead. He's doing better and my mom's spirits seemed to be up, as well.

I spent a lot of time trying to find airline tickets to fly down there. It's so tough being in this sandwhich generation - it's an overly used metaphor but so appropriate. Well, I'd have to bring Kalian, but she's getting so old that flying on a puddle jumper - the only planes available last minute - seems daunting, and on top of that the hurricane and then, the small part about trying to get ready for school and getting prepared on many levels for this big step, so we decided to wait a bit - though this was gut wrenching.