halloweenie

I had planned all along to dress up for Halloween at school today. I had hesitated because I had a new class starting, and I was all worried about never getting a second chance to make a first impression, but I decided what the heck. Then, yesterday, I found out about a union meeting at the Harvard Business School. Not appropriate to dress up at a meeting where, as a researcher, I'm trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, so I decided to bag the costume.

But as I was getting dressed this morning, I thought, am I not wearing a costume because I'm falling into the boring Harvard stay between the lines mentality? I thought, well, I could at least wear my orange wig. And as I was walking out the door, I grabbed my cowgirl hat. I realized walking to school that I had put on a cowgirlish shirt, so I decided that I was going to go dressed as a California organic farmer. On Saturday, I was the good witch of the west coast.

Now that I've started this third class, my Tues and Thurs feel very exhausting. I hestitated going to this union meeting - I would miss picking up Liam and I wouldn't be able to practice yoga. At the last minute, I decided to go. Interesting, as per usual, to go to a janitors union meeting at the ritziest place in Boston.

And I ended up having time to pick up Liam, which is always fun. We met Chris at the house, threw on Liam's firefighter costume and headed over to the Inman Square fire station, where they were having an open house. We waited outside for almost 30 minutes - they had been called away - the nerve. When they got back, of course Liam had a blast - even got to slide down the pole. Then headed over to a neighborhood park for a potluck and then trickortreating. It was nice to do something with the family - also to connect with our neighbors on the way back - a retired firefighter with three firefighter kids (I keep having to correct people - everyone says fireMAN) - and our neighbor across the street - a Globe editor.

Liam was so cute - he would whisper Trick or Treat. Liam didn't nap today, so he got pushed in the stroller and Kalian was on my back in the ergo. We were so lucky. It was a gorgeous night tonight - very balmy.

I feel so overwhelmed with work and applications - talked to Sally last night - still have to narrow schools - but it feels very grounding to spend time with the family - last night I had a blast with the kids - we laid on the floor and played laughing games. Thankfully, Liam woke up with a nightmare last night. Why thankfully? I went in at 9.30 to calm him down and fell asleep and got a great night's sleep. Gotta love those kids that ground me.

blitzkrieg

I feel as if it's all about to rain down. From now until mid-January - huge projects due, exam (only one-quant), and these darned applications - actually, the application part wouldn't be so bad if I just went ahead and made a decision!

I just had an incredibly heartbraking session with Liam at his OT this morning. It brought me to tears. She was evaluating him - hmm...I first wrote the word "test" because that's what it was and he could totally feel the pressure. She had him try to draw lines, manipulate objects, etc. for fine motor pre-writing skills, as well as gross motor - bottom line was that except for stacking blocks - he couldn't really do any of it. He repeatedly would say, "I can't do it." At one point, while trying to unbotton something, he said, "I can't do anything right." This from the mouth of a three year old! Ok, he's almost four, but it crushed me. This OT has the theories down right overall what he needs but the atmosphere is too stressful for him. She just isn't playful enough with him. I'm really worried about it.

It basically made me think that what I really need to do is just take a part-time job next year and work with him and support him - not try to kill myself going to grad school. He needs so much support and one-on-one. Then, when I dropped him off at preschool, I didn't want to leave. He wanted to play trucks with the boys, but they didn't want to play with him (I know, every parent probably feels this at some point), and the other teachers were all busy. Noone really had the time or inclination to take him over to the art table to work with his fine motor skills. The cacophony of all of the kids felt too overwhelming for me! I can't imagine how it must feel for Liam. In general, I'm sure this is typical of preschool, but I just feel like he really needs a lot more focused support. I remember when I was in elementary school, I was diagnosed with mild scoliosis. I was supposed to do the backstroke every day - and possibly other OT - my parents took me a few times to a pool to do it. It must have been so hard for them to try to manage this with the four of us. I'm just worried Liam will get lost in my work/study shuffle if I try to do the grad school thang.

I studied most of this week-end. Poor Chris. Sat and Sun nights we stayed up too late once again watching Battlestar Galactica episodes. Saturday night we went to a costume party hosted by parents from K's coop - it was fun. Sunday morning I stuck around to actually spend a little time with the kids and to install some coat hooks - we'll be needing a lot more of those now that winter is almost upon us but then it was back to the books...

job security

after that great meeting with the shop stewards - that night - wed - there was an event featuring an seiu janitor from univ of miami, as well as two security guards at Hvd - and Bonier - who is doing some relatively cool union support work after his stint in Congress. Very inspiring and so great to be able to do a class project around it.

But when I went to my first qual class yesterday - the prof couldn't be there, so she sent her husband, also a soc professor and someone I could totally see being friends with, but it was so painful to have him just read over the syllabus and not be able to answer any questions. thankfully, there was a firedrill in the middle of class...

kidtime

I'm havin' a lot of fun with the kids, though the parental - maternal(?) guilt is huge. Kalian doesn't really cry when I leave but happily hands me my purse (which I don't need but it's a relic of my former connection with her - wah!).

Since Liam is much more verbally expressive, he asks often for me to come with him - and last night after I got home from curriculum night at L's preschool, Liam just wanted me to put him to bed - I swear, I don't want it to be a competition, but it's so great to have him want me - is that pathetic, psychotic and damaging to my kid to admit that?

Curriculum night - an incredible powerpoint slide show with music of all of the kids and the details of the playbased curriculum at CE - it was nice, but a little over the top - once again, why are we going into debt, so that they can put that together.

Afterwards, there were refreshments (again, out of our tuition - why does this bother me so much? it doesn't bother me - at least as much at the Kschool - maybe I just expect it at Harvard - but not for three year olds) in his classroom - I just have very little energy to connect with parents there - is it b'c i can't relate or b/c I don't anticipate us staying?

Got an e-mail from the Berkeley version of CE - stepone - even though I put Kalian's name on a list one month after she was born - it probably won't be early enough! If we come out in January, we'll have to visit them and anywhere else we might be able to send her. My fantasy is to get into Berkeley and send her to preschool there.

Chris got the kids a play kitchen/cash register at goodwill for $5 - it's a huge chunk of plastic but will hopefully help winter and inside time less of a wrestling match for the two of them. Of course, my budding capitalist loves to play store - it's such a challenge teaching him socialist values around buying and selling of products.

K's going backwards in her pottying - it happened after her trip to NC - not surprising but understandably frustrating for Chris.

Liam is having really intense sensory issuess - he just loses it if he doesn't nap, it seems. Kalian shows no signs whatsoever of any of those issues, thankfully, but they are both so adorable i the morning when they snuggle with me - competing each for some ama - K to suck and L to hold - is that more cps material or what?

Octoberfest

I had finished up a phone call to an ischool grad when it was almost 5, so I called Chris - Friday afternoon and trying to figure out what other work to do...meanwhile, there's our weekly beer bash at the K-school - this week's was sponsored by the Krauts - I say that lovingly, being one myself. They had food, as I had passed by earlier, so Chris decided to bring the kids over. Unfortunately, by the time they arrived, the food was gone - well, pseudo food - goldfish mix and beer was still available - gotta take whatever free grub we can get to feed these youngins'. It was freezing. Nice to connect with a few other folks and for people to see the kids. While I'm carrying my kids around in that crowd I have this mixed feeling of pride and curiousity - did so and so know I had kids? Will think of me any differently now?

After dropping Liam off at preschool this morning- which was great fun - I took some glorious fall photos of him riding his bike - he had a blast - I headed over to school to work for a few minutes - mostly on e-mail and my problem set - I'm lately feeling like I'm just running around in circles and not being very efficient....then went to a review session - then ran back to Liam's school for Friday assembly. As usual, Liam didn't sing, but alas, I still love that time with him - then we went to Darwin's for lunch with Sammy and his mom Sarah (first mansion mama). She's actually very interesting - is planning a literary festival out here - husband - stockbroker by day and novelist at night.

Then took Liam home, b'fed K and then headed back over to school to meet with Deb - my quant teacher - she agreed to write me a letter of rec! Yahoo - she's one of the biggest quant enchilada in the country so that's no small potatoes - sorry to mix food metaphors.

I feel like I’m spending so much time trying to figure out this grad school thing that I don’t have time to do my regular coursework…though the grad school thang is such a great time suck by the nature of what it is – mindlessly surfing, stressing…and a little bit of talking to folks.

I’ve talked to three folks related to the ischool – still on the potential list. My latest thinking is just to apply to Bay Area schools - not only do we want to go back, but doing anything else leaves open such a pandora's box - there are so many amazing schools out there - my current favs are univ of illinois, penn, univ of wash....but maybe I can make a bay area school fit - if I can even get in - they are all uber competitive....

organize organize organize

I went to a union meeting this morning. It was very exciting and refreshing. They were the Harvard janitor stewards meeting with the security guards from the Business School, who are trying to organize. The thrust of the meeting was to support their struggle. Very inspiring. I feel like everything is coming together...I've also been passing around a petition for them - interesting to see who would sign that.

Just talked to iSchool friend of Michael's - and L. says I might be able to do UC Davis. I'm just so confused as to applications - I'm leaning toward just applying to Bay Area schools.

the real poop

Just got a call from Liam. It was so great to talk on the phone with him, especially since he called right after pooping on the potty. I think it surprised him, so I'm not holding my breath, but it was so great to hear him on the phone and describe what he did - we've come a long way! It was extra special b/c I was sitting in the middle of the forum congratulating him on his success. Ah, to be a working/student parent. I decided not to edit out my comments. I was just too proud of him.

sleepy

hmmm...I think I'm done with school - a year and that's it. I don't have the body, stamina or lifestyle to endure staying up late to work. And it's only just begun. I'm still lovin' the work, but not the workload. Ah, to be 20 years younger. Hmmm...don't think I really want to be back there, either. I'm happy where I am but just not sure I can endure 4-5 more years of this.

So Chris went to another of Liam's classmate's mansions - even bigger this time, apparently. They were having a potluck just for the parents (huh?) I sent a regretful e-mail to the organizer after the 20th friendly reminder e-mail for the event. I was feeling overwhelmed with our money situation and just said that, sorry, I couldn't come b/c we couldn't afford a babysitter....true but shouldn't have sent the e-mail. I wish we had the lifestyle where I could attend functions like that - but a. we can't afford it and b. i can't afford to be away from the kids right now.

I had a good afternoon - despite a splitting headache - coordinating with the SEIU organizer to meet up with some janitors (it's hard to say janitors after organizing housekeepers at nc universities) - it felt great to be connected at that level - also with jt from the worklife program at the harvard law school.

Then, when I came home yesterday I had some bizarre inclination to bake banana bread - it was so great this time to bake with Liam. He was finally into it. I've cooked with him periodically but the last few times didn't go so great. I was able to plop Kalian down at the kitchen table and feed her sweet potatoes while Liam and I mixed the ingredients. I had handed him a cup of sugar to pour into the bowl (halved of course from the original recipe - not kfc but tjfc) and he so adorably poured it evenly into the muffin tins - it was too cute. I had tried to bake with him after putting Kalian to bed, but then it was always too late for him to be up to reap the baked rewards, so I tried to do it earlier and cook with both kidlins. It was just so nice to (repeat my broken lego record) do something other than build another fire engine with him....

Tonight was admitedly nice - b/c he didn't nap he went to bed earlier - I love those nights 'cuz I can start on a chunk of work before I get too spent. I'm trying another tack with Liam - i.e. starting where he is in his play and work with that to get him to bed b/c he's always so resistant - i.e. finish playing with the firetruck we made out of legos (surprise surprise) and then play putting the firetruck back to the firestation and putting the firefighters to sleep in their cots - of course, this whole drama takes awhile, but he at least participated in the routine (though he still hates the toothbrushing part - no clue why he likes to chomp down on that toothbrush).

Tonight I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to record my interviews this week for the janitor/media project - too complex...also trying to figure out the final papers for my classes...too easy to wait til the last minute - then I'll get screwed, I'm sure.

This morning's quant class was boring 'cuz I had done the reading and a bunch of folks hadn't and they had such basic questions - yawn - but I did manage to do yoga afterwards - last time I'll be able to do this now that my qual research class starts on Thursday - which I'm very excited about, actually - I've loved reading all of the methods books, and I just finished reading Mitch Duneier's Sidewalk book about mostly homeless street vendors in NYC. It was amazing ethnography - and the style of doc that I love doing myself. I also loved his write up on the methods - I love this research geekspeak.

Today in NB's class we had JckGill come speak. He was some media/communications or something like that advisor in the Clinton white house and set up their first web site and e-mail accounts. He was interesting but slightly annoying - can't put my finger on it. I think he puts people into one of two camps - either pro-bus or pro-gov - can't we be anti-both in terms of our system. His two big ominous warnings were around global warming and internet security - both of which I agree with but I just didn't understand his strategies. But it still was fascinating. I really love that class - I just have to start doing some work in it, but not now b/c I'm sleepy....

sleepy

hmmm...I think I'm done with school - a year and that's it. I don't have the body, stamina or lifestyle to endure staying up late to work. And it's only just begun. I'm still lovin' the work, but not the workload. Ah, to be 20 years younger. Hmmm...don't think I really want to be back there, either. I'm happy where I am but just not sure I can endure 4-5 more years of this.

So Chris went to another of Liam's classmate's mansions - even bigger this time, apparently. They were having a potluck just for the parents (huh?) I sent a regretful e-mail to the organizer after the 20th friendly reminder e-mail for the event. I was feeling overwhelmed with our money situation and just said that, sorry, I couldn't come b/c we couldn't afford a babysitter....true but shouldn't have sent the e-mail. I wish we had the lifestyle where I could attend functions like that - but a. we can't afford it and b. i can't afford to be away from the kids right now.

I had a good afternoon - despite a splitting headache - coordinating with the SEIU organizer to meet up with some janitors (it's hard to say janitors after organizing housekeepers at nc universities) - it felt great to be connected at that level - also with jt from the worklife program at the harvard law school.

Then, when I came home yesterday I had some bizarre inclination to bake banana bread - it was so great this time to bake with Liam. He was finally into it. I've cooked with him periodically but the last few times didn't go so great. I was able to plop Kalian down at the kitchen table and feed her sweet potatoes while Liam and I mixed the ingredients. I had handed him a cup of sugar to pour into the bowl (halved of course from the original recipe - not kfc but tjfc) and he so adorably poured it evenly into the muffin tins - it was too cute. I had tried to bake with him after putting Kalian to bed, but then it was always too late for him to be up to reap the baked rewards, so I tried to do it earlier and cook with both kidlins. It was just so nice to (repeat my broken lego record) do something other than build another fire engine with him....

This morning's quant class was boring 'cuz I had done the reading and a bunch of folks hadn't and they had such basic questions - yawn - but I did manage to do yoga afterwards - last time I'll be able to do this now that my qual research class starts on Thursday - which I'm very excited about, actually - I've loved reading all of the methods books, and I just finished reading Mitch Duneier's Sidewalk book about mostly homeless street vendors in NYC. It was amazing ethnography - and the style of doc that I love doing myself. I also loved his write up on the methods - I love this research geekspeak.

Today in NB's class we had JckGill come speak. He was some media/communications or something like that advisor in the Clinton white house and set up their first web site and e-mail accounts. He was interesting but slightly annoying - can't put my finger on it. I think he puts people into one of two camps - either pro-bus or pro-gov - can't we be anti-both in terms of our system. His two big ominous warnings were around global warming and internet security - both of which I agree with but I just didn't understand his strategies. But it still was fascinating. I really love that class - I just have to start doing some work in it.

ot

Went with Liam (and Kalian and Chris) to his OT with the Cambridge school system - at Peabody. The teacher was fine, got his sensory stuff, but really reminded me of the other public school therapists - where they had their set program and got frustrated when he didn't fit into her set schedule...I never thought I'd be making generalizations about public school - but the private therapists always seemed much more flexible to work with him...

i don't like mondays

Usually, I do like Mondays. Sometimes all of the theoretical time avaialable on the week-ends makes me feel like I need to do a million different things. But this past week-end, I actually had time to myself while Chris was in NC with the kids. It was so relaxing to be able to study at home, do some house projects, and of course, strive to be as "productive" as possible - which did include sleeping in til 9am. Yahoo!

But of course, I stayed up late last night with Chris watching an episode of Battlestar Galactica and then up at 5am with the K-train, so I have a splitting headache.

I was worried as I tried desperately to use the hand pump all week-end that my milk supply would run out and that would be the end of breastfeeding. So as soon as I saw the Chris and the kids coming off of the plane (ok, that's an anachronistic term - after 9-11 you can only see people near the baggage claim area) - I intentionally kissed Chris first, then Liam then Kalian - and then grabbed my littlest bundle of joy for a big ama-fest. Fortunately, she latched right on. Chris went to get their bags, and Liam had a ball hooking up the baggage cart to the stroller - it really is all about hooking up.

I just really wanted to try and make our relationship much more sacred (Chris, that is) - and feel like everything is so kid-centered and kid-stressed - and had just witnessed really sad and mean language between parents while waiting for their plane. I worry that we're setting a horrible example for the kids....

I got to the airport early so I wouldn't have to rush, and I needed to read anyway, so I sat by a window at the multi-eatery locale and got a lot more reading done - thanks to the fact that their plane was so late.

It was amazing how much time I had without the kids - I did some very social things - went to Joel's wedding on Saturday night - and cleaned and shopped and studied and slept and did yoga. But I also worried that this week-end is just propping up the setup we have already where thekids rarely get to see me.....When I took Kalian in my arms, she got sad when Chris walked away. This is happening more and more. When I leave in the morning, she's not as concerned, but when Chris leaves, she goes ballistic. And now in the mornings if Chris and Liam get up out of bed, she can't go back to sleep, she cries and wants to get up until she can see them.

Am trying to track down Harvard janitors for my qual research project - as usuall, it's taking awhile - funny reading this qual research methods book and it really seems funny how ridiculous quant methods is for marginalized communities - prisoners, rebel guerillas....

Today in my JC class, the former head of msnbc.com and now the new head of sky.com talked about his history as a journalist. The whole class laughed when he described as a newbie at the local paper (or was it the BBC) and was literally dropped off in a remote village and had to spend the whole day(!) in the village, knock on people's doors and find 4 story ideas - why is this so funny? This is what journalists should be doing all of the time. A half dozen of us tried to ask him how this new online journalism, or lack thereof, was going to affect really good investigative journalism. He never answered it. He mentioned new Telegraph journalistic styles that has reporters filing stories online all day. Where does that leave them time to do real reporting?

home alone

after chris and the kids left yesterday - i felt so strange to be in the house without anyone else here. i always have to leave the house to study. i cleaned up - and noone messed it up 10 minutes later. what a concept. i reorganized a few things and then sat down to study. it felt marvelous.

i then took off for tjmaxx to add to my meager collection of winter clothes and to look for clothes for the kids - it's even too expensive there - i think we'll head off for the thrift stores, instead.

i then went to meet some of my classmates at what was supposed to be an armenian restaurant - it mainly felt like a run of the mill big middleeastern restaurant with belly dancing - mildly amusing, but the food was expensive and the conversation so - so - after that fabulous night out at the thai restaurant i expected a lot more - but maybe i also just felt strange "wasting" my free time - my constant battle - that i should be more productive with my time.

i then felt like santa claus offering students rides home - could actually do it since the car seats were out of the car for once. i didn't get back til 11 - called chris - felt bad i couldn't have said goodnight to them but i forgot to bring my cell phone with me - he also said kalian cried when she saw my picture at my parents house.

so at 11.30 or so i attempted to put together this manual breastpump. what was i thinking waiting til the last minute? why was it so hard to put together? why couldn't i use it once i did. maybe one ounce or so - not surprising given my inability to pump after about 9-10 months after kalian was born - even with a good pump, but this manual stuff is ridiculous, not to mention the whole concept of pumping...

went to bed and fell asleep reading a book for one of my classes - sidewalk - and reading about the the theories...woke up at 5am of course, then at 7am and then didn't get out of bed til 9am - unbelieveable! but actually kind of anti-climactic in a way.

spent the morning trying to organize a few school related things - including how i'm going to record my interviews for my class - yesterday i tried to set up those interviews and sent out lots of e-mail. none of which "feels productive" - i just tried to read my quant text - but i'm just feeling so distracted. i keep obsessing about missing that one easy question about the mean/median - i couldn't concentrate - was it more beating myself up or was it more obsessing about what this means for grad school and who to ask to do recs and where i should apply - outside of the bay area?

and chris just got a notice of more cuts at the merc - what does this mean for his job? will he have a job if we go back there???should he try to get another gig? will i ever stop blogging and get back to work?

more journaling

so here's the lowdown

wed night - great to have the lori/ori/hannah/ruby gang over again - we cooked stir fry together - i really miss that social part of our bay area lives. also really nice to connect with lori..

thursday in quant class we talked about racial profiling - a few folks made a point that while it's not ideal to racially profile (either ddwb or airports) it's a necessity in a cost/benefit analysis when security is at stake - more important that hurting someone's feelings...i couldn't stand it anymore and raised my hand. i talked about the whole issue of power in questions of racism and that racial profiling only perpetuates that uneven power dynamic that has effects in jobs, health care, etc. etc. - it's not just someone's feelings - it has very quantitative (heh heh) effects. after feeling not very eloquent the first month in school, it was nice to have a lot of folks compliment me afterwards - maybe 'cuz they're all mpp1's?

then i did yoga again - yahoo - then a great speaker thurs afternoon in nb's class on the specifics of web 2.0 - of course, it makes me feel like i should set all of this stuff up - aggreggate pages, del.icio.us accounts, improve my blog, etc. etc. - but who has the time? fascinating, though, and it gave me ideas about what i spent my afternoon doing

in my quest to get into the iSchool at cal - i thought it would be good to analzye kg's experience consulting with the ala (lib assoc) and their resistance to technology - again, the whole expert issue - mediated or not mediated flow of information - i'm really interested in this - in tues' nb class, he raised great questions about whether or not this info should be free - it brought up the whole tasini v. nyt issue i dealt with on staff of the national writers union - great idea not to pay writers or their musicians for their info - if we lived in a socialist society where all of this creative work was subsidized - no problem, but it's not - which was my point about his setup of the four types of worldviews with the media....selling info? how does that fit in...

anyway, i tried so hard to come up with an outline for one of my papers...

but i was feeling bad i wasn't home with the kids since they were leaving for nc the next day - but i had to meet arianne at the tstop - she's a great friend from college who's in town visiting. i first had to stop by a classmate's apt to pick up a manual breastpump for the weekend.

it was nice to have that one on one time with arianne - and then for the first time in over three months i cooked dinner two nights in a row. when the kids came home, it was so great to see them but really tough to divide my time between catching up with a friend visiting from singapore and spending quality time with my kids who were leaving the next day. of course, in the middle of all of this, our bank acct was overdrawn b/c of a mistake of paying our expensive preschool when i had asked for an extension - i had overnighted a check to the bank, but they hadn't gotten it that day, so i was scrambling in the midst of this as to what to do. we even tried calling adm to see if he could deposit some money, but i ended up gambling with what i guessed would be more outsourced wf workers who didn't have any more info than what i had in front of my computer screen. well, $100 later, it was sorted out.

it's so tough trying to juggle money right now - both the time i don't feel like i have anymore to do the billpaying and managing, but of course also the fact that we are now spending down all of our retirement money and shortly will have to start drawing out money from our house. i'm wondering since it's so tough on chris to be the primary parent if it wouldn't make sense for him to do more work and put kalian in a little more care...

friday morning - i let chris sleep in while i got up with the kids at 5.15. yawn. it's so hard - i have no energy for them at that early hour - i can totally see how easy it'd be to just turn the tv on, but i really want to resist that as much as possible, especially in the morning when they have so much good energy.

i had a lot of fun with them before ori came to take the kids and chris to the science museum and off to the airport....

test results

argh!!!

My test felt quite easy yesterday - despite my tummy troubles. I was so lucky. I had meant to get up early Tuesday morning and review the quant terms, but I had the big D and was sitting on the toilet - barely made it to my exam in time. Then, right afterwards, back to the potty. I got verrrryyy lucky.

I wasn't sure after the test if it was really easy or if I had missed something. Fortunately, it was really easy. Unfortunately, that made the curve very competitive.

I'm feeling dumb and stupid for not doing better - got a B+ - I missed the A- mark by one point. One point. ARGHHHHHHH - and mostly for a really stupid mistake. I can't stop beating myself up over it - I partially feel like, OK, this is what's going on with me right now. Every time I make what I perceive as a mistake in a class, I obsess about it for awhile and then I can later move on - I just have to go through that process, but I'm a little worried that I'm doing my psyche harm. In other words, I'm beating myself up for beating myself up.

I'm mostly concerned b/c I need that quant to get into a school in the Bay Area, which is what I really want.

Anyway, after my exam, I went to the gym to do some yoga. It feels so good to stretch my body after being humped over my laptop or a book. I feel like I finally found a good time to practice - T/Th between classes, but next Thursday I'm starting my qualitative class and won't be able to do that. Oh, well. Once Jan 12 hits I'm hoping things will ease up a bit. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.

It was so great to have Lori/Ori/Hannah/Ruby over yesterday - I came home early - mostly, actually, to see my kids - whom I feel have been getting shortchanged - and also to relieve Chris - who has been suffering, it seems. We hung out for awhile and then walked in the misty rain up to the Hvd farmers market and then up to the Z cafe for dinner - I was just amazed that we could take 4 kids three and under out to eat without any major catastrophes. Maybe they're growing up!

Then tried to watch dr. doolittle with popcorn - with that autistic/tv study i'm a tad worried that too much is going into my kids brains...

Great morning meeting today with with Mrgt this morning - she's the Mass. suprerior court judge in my class. She suggested in reaction to my angst about grad school to just talk to more folks and let them know my dilemma and get advice. My tendancy is so wrapped up in always trying to figure everything out on my own so I look perfect to folks on the outside. Funny thing is that once she told me her dilemma - I had the same advice for her. She had gotten very interested in education policy issues after a 7 month trial where she ruled overall that the state needed to provide more funds for low income schools - but she doesn't think she's qualified!

Today's JC class was on objectivity in the media - uh, yeah. I actually loved the readings - this is one of the topics I'm most interested in. I had a lot to say, but of course was only called on once. He had us do some role playing with that Linda Grbrg Sup Ct. reporter from the nyt, who had spoken at radcliffe and mentioned her views - god forbid. it's so ridiculous - much better to be outfront with where you're coming from. Studies have shown that the youth really feel this way, too. Cml said something about the balance between having highly educated and skilled reporters and less educated poor folks, or something like that - in other words, it's too bad we don't have more view points of marginalized groups but we really need the "experts" - i replied that i know plenty of great papers (justice speaks!) that are put out by disenfranchised groups - she wasn't too happy with my response, b/c she is totally on my side. i felt bad for her but i really needed to say that - it's just so patronizing. once again, i made another very eloquent point that i totally forget now.....

marxist for three days

last week in class, jc said he had been a marxist for three days in college. then, a cambridge city council member in our class said she had been one for four years in college. did i dare say i am still a marxist?

today, we talked about bias and fragmentation in the media - the likes of fox, etc. - the typical blah blah about how cnn is so liberal. come on, i said, in so many words, that is such a narrow framework like the whole dems and repubs...i forgot what else i said but i'm sure it was eloquent - actually, i'm gaining more confidence in speaking in class...

monday morning quarterbacking

I am working in the shrnstn ctr desk area today to study - it's a political move to be in the area where I want to do the most schmoozing - that's what Harvard is about - right? - just ran into ncy plmer, the director - she asked me what I thought of the event - and i told her i thought it was great = blah blah blah, but that it would have been nice to have been able to go to some of the luncheons or dinner/cocktail to network, and she said, "that's not why they were here." of course, i backtracked slightly - oh, but i wouldn't have shoved my business card down their throats or anything - come on, it was a room full of the biggest heavy hitters in the media today and why are they here? this is the fckng shrn ctr - your existence here is b/c of students - yes, students - you may get private funding but my godam tuition pays for your building maintenance - unbelievable....why were they here to try to prop up the power that they have and are trying not to lose??? uh, yeah, hello - don't you get it? you're losing it(partially) b/c of the new technology propelled by the youth - that you kept out of those private sessions. and the richie riches i was able to speak with briefly were thrilled that i and other "young" students were there - hah.

saturday's session - lots of b.s. about electoral politics - bush's chief media advisor was there - funny moment when someone asked him if he were paying bloggers to give bush lots of props - of course, he evaded the question....i was glad a few folks stood up and asked about grassroots activism and why noone was dealing with media concentration and how that effects democracy - duh. people are so scared of the internet or think it's the solution to democracy's woes - it's just another delivery system...nice to schmooze afterwards with the few lefties around - two dudes who asked questions and ken - and then the atlanta nieman fellow who just can't stay away from us - why are conservative folks so attracted to radicals? maybe they bash us so much b/c they secretly have sexual desires for people who are more liberated - kind of like homephobes - is that what happened to huffington....

and then on saturday i tried to study for awhile - and met up with susan and studied all afternoon for quant. came home, put kids to bed and studied some more - stayed up too late watching battlestar galactica. then sunday morning - up early - tried to find an open library on campus. whazup? everyone at harvard party all night and noone studies before noon? i finally did find the tiny lamont library, studied (all for quant exam) took practice exam...felt good about that and then took off to meet our study group - moderately helpful but really nice to connect with folks- then on to review session. unfortunbately, i had to cut out early to go to fran's for chris' family stuff - his parents in town - nice to chill while kids played but kalian wanted me all of the time - i feel horrible i wasn't able to spend more time with them - especially this morning when liam asked me if i were going with them to his OT sesssion - i feel terrible about all of that!!!

sunday we also got a beautiful phone call from david - they had their baby - yahoo. it was so wild, though, because at the exact time she was born, i said to chris how strong and healthy that babe must be for staying in kate's tummy so long and i could really sense her energy.
came home and same ol same ol - put kids to bed and studied -

I also met with Deb today - my amazing quant prof who offers me tea when i go meet with her. I feel confident going into the exam, but we'll see tomorrow...

For the first time, I haven't had time to do the jc reading today...shouldn't be a problem - if i weren't so darned interested in the topic, i wouldn't even have to do it. instead, i should focus on studying and stop blogging, too....

the conference i wasn't invited to

Friday and today have been totally crazy. I dropped off Liam at preschool yesterday and then tried to study for quant in the forum. Close to 10am, I got a call from Chris. He had arrived at this Shr. Ctr conference we were both attending and wanted to make sure he was in the right place since I wasn't there yet.

"Everyone's wearing a suit and is over 60," he tells me, "I'm not sure if I'm in the right place."

It was a conference focusing on the issues in my two classes - journalism in the face of current trends....not sure of the title. But he was right. When I walked in, there was a sea of white (hair) and blue (suits). I didn't see any other students, though it was nice to have JC sit next to me.

When the first speaker came on, he had a remote mike and said, "Can everyone hear me in the back?" "Oh," whispered Chris to me, "This sounds like a consultant."

Indeed.

For the next hour, he laid out his HBS sanctioned consulting firm for newspapers to get them to see that they don't have "readers" but "consumers" and they don't have "advertisers" but "businesses." You can imagine the rest of the dog and pony show. I turned to Chris and asked him, "Don't all of these people know this already?"

These people, the folks in the room, were some of the biggest heavy hitters in journalism - from all of the big outlets, as well as a academics I spotted.

After Chris had covered the economics of the newspaper industry, he told me briefly, that "no" a lot of them don't know about it. Frightening.

We then continued to whisper to each other about how to plan the rest of the day and week-end, in terms of the conference and the kids. Both kids needed to be picked up at noon - I found out there was a luncheon - which I thought would be good for Chris to go to and schmooze - but, now, students weren't invited to that. Only "invited" guests.

But Chris actually said, that he was considering staying or going to other parts of the conference, but he was worried about not spending time with the kids. Huh? What?

So I left first to go meet Liam at music assembly - yahoo. We then met up at Darwin's for lunch, then I went back to school to study, attend another review session and then back to the conference. Phew!

I walked into the last session - on new media - it was a lively discussion - with a. huffngtn as one of the panel members - she made some comment about the choice not having to be between new or old media, in terms of the best journalism - like having to be between ginger and maryanne - "Let's have a threeway."

And fortunately, Rebecca (last name?) from an intersting group called glblvission or something like that (she used to be a cnn reporter or producer who had gotten that cnn memo about not covering afghan casualties b/c it would disturb the american public - but she kept pushing the stories - because, among many reasons - the deaths were feuling al quiada) - anyway, i'm glad she finally talked about the elephant in the room - full of wealthy, educated, mostly white men of journalistic power who were worried about losing their power.

Feeling nervous about my quant exam on Tuesday, I wanted to spend the next hour or so studying before going to Tvl's for dinner, but, it felt so great to talk with friends about the conference - and even quant! - and, heck, it was quorum call, so I had a beer - it felt very decadent and I felt guilty about Chris having a rough day with the kids.

Hung out with Omr and Ksg. Omr had spoken in quant class on Th - a class focused on Iraqui civilian casualities - very coincidental that the study was just released a few days before - surprising to me, he validated all of it and talked about how great things were overall, especially in terms of health care before the invasion - b/c he's from a privilged class? But it's so sad b/c he's lost so many of his family and friends. It was such a perfect class as we were discussing how to design a good statistical study.

Funny, though, trying to decide what schmoozing meant to both omr and ksng -especially the latter, who is an ultimate schmoozer - in a very sweet Thai way.

Then, Chris picked me up and we went over to Tvl's for dinner - so sweet that they invited us. Liam got along famously with his son and it was nice to connect with another mom. Strange, though, to hear so soon after arriving about the e-mail about the Israeili military dude who was almost arrested in Britain. Tvl and I are totally different sides of the fence, politically - since he served in the army - though he has such a progressive streak.

Then chris dropped us off at home. I played firefighter with liam. It was really fun to start to put together his costume, but I was so exhausted. I almost fell asleep on the couch while reading a book to him. I decided it would be better to sleep than to try and study. But I woke up super early, instead, and still felt tired.

Went back to the conference/studying dance...-

Gosh, I feel like I don't talk enough about the kids in all of this...I've been having a blast playing face games with Kalian - she's so cute - and I really do worry about Liam and his stuttering/w sounds and accidents lately....

schmoozin' - even with the nannies

I'm kind of lost in this blog - my perfectionist self tries to cover every event happening in this blog - though probably what will be more interesting to me 10 years from now - and perhaps to you, is what I'm feeling, thinking, etc., but I grew up in an environment where it was all about what you accomplisehd (you're great, wonderful) or didn't accomplish (oh, bad girl, you'll never get into a "good" school."

Anyway, last night's adventures were watching the 2nd episode of Lost - and the last few days obsessing about what to do about grad school. I keep going in and out of interest with Berkeley's iSchool.

So my strategy has been to try to meet with a few professor-like folk every week to maintain a high schmooze ratio to help with recommendations down the line - it's a lot of work! And I don't always like I'm doing enough of it (back to the "shoulds" and accomplo-meter).

Today I met with Kthy Edn, my qualitative professor who I adore - she's a sociologist that writes about inequality issues. I keep hesitating around asking about the whole grad school/family thing, but I decided to jump in when she asked how the application process was going - she didn't seem to want to go there - maybe I don't know her well enough or maybe it's a taboo subject or perhaps it's just not an issue for her - sounds like she had already gotten her first job out of grad school before having kids - but did mention she got a job first before her husband whom she had met at school...

She was very helpful with my qualitative research project - which I just need to go ahead and work on - her advice was just to start and not to worry too much about setting it up - that's what the class is for.

Then, after my NB class Chris picked me up for a complicated day - at least in terms of scheduling. I've been trying to make it to various evening events - so I end up hanging out with the kids in the afternoon, instead of the evening - it works out well - for me, at least. We drove over to West Cambridge - note, when you read that you need to emphasize the italics. It was mansion mania. Old new england estate homes - for, of course, a birthday party for a classmate of Liam's. The mom is very sweet, and I really like her, but the house was gigantic - four stories high - each floor was at least 2500 square feet. I wanted to go, among other reasons, to get to know the other parents - uh, oops. Didn't know that I was supposed to send my nanny instead. It was mostly nannies and Chris and me - it was amusing, good pizza and cupcakes and a nice party for the kids.

Oh well, and then back to campus.

I also met with Mrshll Gnz, a professor here at the K school, who was a longtime civil rights and farmworker organizer who went back to school himself and got a sociology degree. He seemed ever so slightly annoyed that two very sweet mpp1's let me go ahead of them on his master signup sheet for office hours. They offered - and I had waited almost a month for this appointment. Kind of annoying...more on all of this later. Anyway, he was very helpful, as I predicted, in putting me in touch with local activist groups for my research project.

I also asked him about the grad school thing, and he, of course, asked me why I wanted to do it - I knew I'd get that question from an organizer. He also said with an air of experience, as well as advice, that family always needs to come first. Hmmm...duh - but also the tough part of all of this. It's depressing, though, not to be able to follow my kids. I guess I might have to follow that mantra, instead, that Michelle once told me about - as a mom, you can have it all - but not at the same time...do I need to wait til I'm 60, then?

Then onto a review class for my exam and then off to studying...

better or worse?

Just went to a talk by the Sh. Ctr - for awhile I was the only non-fellow/staff/faculty person there - and for that I was pretty special. It felt good to be a room of colleagues to talk about BM's Atlantic piece on the massless media - until, of course, I asked a question. The good news is that however rough it started, I was able to blurt out what I wanted to ask. I asked him about how the disenfranchised fare in this new scenario with all of these new media news outlets - they didn't get adequate coverage in the msn's - so why should this be any different if, as he says, there will emerge new news powerhouses, like there are old news powerhouses.

What would I do differently? I would respond to him and say "Yes, but...what about media literacy..." My original question was a response to his claim that the Internet is following in the footsteps of every major media/journalism upheaval/change in our nation's history and that all of the Internet's news choices are good for democracy and that eventually people/bus's will figure out how to make money off of it and there will be some dominant sense. I asked in a roundabout way at first - (first for some reason I defined what the establishment media was - as he already did -and everyone else in the room - top notch journalists, etc. duh!) since the est. media had already dissed working class folks/folks in rural areas (with the exception of some good investigative journalism) why should we believe that these new media outlets will be any different.

Lots of power players sitting in that room. Evn Thms, the for pol chick, Jl Crrll - who I introduced myself too. She was very nice. The art critic for the Washington Post was there, as was JC, and the NYT dude. It was all an insider affair. I actually felt sorry for the fellow.

Bummer, went to meet with Dg Ahlrs today - he never showed up - spent all morning then trying to figure out how to make the ischool work for me. Then during nb's class, we watched a great advertising documentary - and best of all, was that sm fd filled me in on the whole issue of media effects, what that is and why his prof - jenkins is so virulently opposed to mcchesney - it was the whole debate tonight - rather than the woe is me (which I believe to some extent) let's look at what's being created.

Then I went to practice for just 45 minutes and then went to pick up Liam. My favorite thing to do! He was in a jolly mood and so happy to see me (though after looking at our woeful finances last night i had wantd to speak with the director - she wasn't in so I wrote a lame note) - anyway, I had fun playing with Liam on the playground and then tried to corrall him to go home - he was so content and happy to show me everything in his room - the new puzzle and he really wanted to play teacher - they have everything so organized there it's creepy.

Liam almost ran home - it was great - I was worried he wouldn't do it b/c we usually have his bike. Nice to hang out with chris and the kids - and a new friend debbie and her son austin - and then I walked back to campus for the shorenstein event (though stopped in to look at winter boots!)

So here's my idea from all of these talks about journalism and the internet - so kids aren't reading newspapers - they're not going to - why not present them with info that's digestible for them - whatever video or interactive form that works - the example of liam and going to youtube instead of an encyclopedia.

Yes, it's a glorious fall

What an incredibly gorgeous week-end that I had to spend an incredibly large amount of time indoors studying.

We had a long four day week-end. On Friday, after my quant review session, I rushed over to meet Liam for his music assembly at preschool - the highlight of my week! I also just love this one-on-one time - but then, despite the quesitonable weather, we went home, had lunch with C and the K-train and then we hopped in the car for a short excursion. I knew I would want to do a lot of work this week-end, and we hadn't yet gone out to see the beautiful fall colors in a more rural setting, so we headed out on route 2. Even just the drive relaxed us both. We then stopped at the Dunn State Park and took an amazing hike around a lake - it was the perfect distance for Liam - and there even was a nice playground area. (Though when we first got out of the car, Liam for the first time I've ever heard him say - that he was cold! and wanted to get back into the car...)

We then headed into the town of Gardner. Chris had pointed out a Boston Globe section on restaurants and inns on this path of leaf glory. A new brew-pub had recently opened and seemed to have organic fare. But when we got there, it was less than impressive - maybe b/c it was new - and I feel like a total snob even writing this - but it was just a sad imitation of a pub - C called it pedestrian - that part I liked in terms of the clientele, but at least we didn't spend a lot of money we don't have. It was cheap and tolerant of the kids' antics, including sweet Liam walking around to each table in our area countless times and asking if they would like dessert, though Chris and I disagreed as to how much we should let him go on (I argued for less...)

On Saturday, I went to study in the early morn and then met Chris for tailgating - yes tailgating for a Harvard football game, of all things. Poor Chris had a stressful time getting the kids out and I wasn't as productive as I wanted to be - so I, of course, felt guilty that I didn't just stay home and help - constant tension between studying and family. But once we got there I think Chris was able to relax enough - at least during the tailgating part - despite having to chase the kids away from the grill. And, naturally, most of the folks there were football lovin' military related dudes....We did meet a cool couple from my program - a guy I hadn't really met who has a one year old and his wife works for the SCC, so Chris could talk shop.

The game itself was a different story. Fortunately, the weather cooperated, and we all didn't need the double layer long johns after all, but it was a lot of work chasing the kids, especially Kalian around the concrete bleachers - the stadium looks like the Roman coliseum - but without the pomp. We endured this chase until half time, thinking they'd enjoy the marching bands, that were only mildly amusing. I was bummed b/c GW came late and we didn't get a chance to really chat much.

The kids were screaming bloody murder when we put them back in the bike trailer for Chris to take them home while I went to go study. The source of the conflict? An empty water bottle. Liam was holding it - Kalian wanted it. I wanted L to share. He wouldn't. I finally took it from him - the result was utter mutiny. So do you force someone to share?

At the library, I ran into SC and she had fortunately just met with one of our quant TAs, so we ended up working on quant the whole afternoon. I knew Chris was burned out, so when I got home (to a nice dinner of homemade pizza), I told him to go out and see a movie or something - which he did. He actually thanked me for doing the dishes when he got home - I love the role reversal. We voraciously watched a battlestar galactica when he got home.

On Sunday, I went to mysore for the first time in forever and then we all went to a co-op brunch potluck. The day couldn't have been more gorgeous. I had a blast playing with the kids at the park, and it was so nice to have a great group of relatively like-minded parents to hang out with, unlike the richie riches from Liam's school. And great homemade food to boot. Played baseball/football combo with Liam, though as usual I felt like I wasn't totally present with him as I tried to take photos, too.

And I had another experience of reacting when someone tried to tell me what to do - a parent asked me if that was my "daughter out there." out there was a baseball field where a presumably dad was throwing a ball to his presumably son who was hitting it. Liam was standing and watching. I heard it as "how could you let your child be so close to that ball." Well, he did say "He could get hurt by that ball. It's going pretty fast." I wasn't too pleasant in whatever reply I made. But the good news was that Liam had a blast as the dad pitched some balls to him and I stood behind him to help him hit.

I then went back to the library, spending the whole afternoon plotting and planning - my two papers, my research setting for my qual class and figuring out my calendar. Well worth it, but as a result didn't feel very productive. Chris took the kids to Peter's bday party - thomas the tank engine pinata and bouncy house. We ate leftovers for dinner(like that should be a problem at all with Chris making such fabulous food), I put the kids to bed and then fell asleep on the couch at 9pm - the earliest I've been to bed in I don't know how long.

This morning I hung out with the kids while Chris went to the gym. I felt somewhat bad about trying to organize my papers and not playing with the kids - and then felt worse when I yelled at Liam for not "listening" to me - a theme recently - I've done worse. I've been experimenting with the natural consequence. The only thing I could think of was the natural consequence of not wanting to play with him or have as much energy for him when he wasn't listening (uh, and following my "orders"?) - of course, as soon as this came out of my mouth, I felt terrible - You will be punished, in other words, by my withholding my love. Can anything be more cruel than the silent treatment?

This morning I was so sad not to go to a fair with the kids - another glorious fall day....

Liam - isms

So how do kids learn about how things work these days? Well, Liam certainly uses his legos to work out scenarios he sees in books-and often brings a book over to help him figure out how to build a tractor or a fire engine.

But there's also YouTube.

"I want to see a tractor pulling an animal pooper (read manure spreader)." Ah, you can find everything on youtube. Who needs wikipedia?

Today, he wanted to build with his legos a computer screen with firetrucks on the screen. . .

Thursday night we were playing grocery store and we were playing a fun game of Liam liberating food from the store without paying. When I took my turn and took not only the food but also our pretend credit card, he said, incanting a line from the book, "Caps for Sale," "You mommy, you, you give me back my credit card.

Yoga Ego

Well, last week's class with the teacher who yelled (however sweetly) instructions made me ubercritical of him, but yesterday's mysore teacher, Sct, made me realize that it really is more about me and my insecurities.

He started out the class with our chant and then said we would do some sutra learning - great, I thought, we'll chant a bit and then he'll explain one of the sutras. But he kind of went on and on - rather than listening I felt like I had to get my "asana" time in and was stretching while he was talking. I realized even while doing it that it was rude, but was I trying to send a message? I have so little time to meditate (I know, I know little time that I take to meditate) that I'm sad now that I didn't tune in more, but it started me out on a slightly cynical view of what was really phenomonal teaching. He gave me a pretty good adjustment in Triangle, though it was mostly telling me to lift this, relax that.

I know from teaching mysore that when a new student walks into the room that I could tell already has a practice that the best way to "win" them over to actually listening to my teaching is to just be there with them, give them nice comfy adjustments and let them open up to the new teacher - it's physically scary to have someone you don't know touching your body, however libertated you - read I - think you are/am.

I think that was part of what happened - when he came over to me while I was in paschimotanasana - seated forward bend and told me to relax my head more. I asked him why and then posed the contrarian issue of the driste forward - he gave an answer that I probably would have given myself - that you need to wait until your head is on your legs to move forward with the gaze, but alas, my ego got in the way. "Sure, sure, sure" I said to him, but afterwards I worried that it was too sarcastic so I bleated out,"Thank you." Needless to say, he didn't come up to me for the rest of my practice to give any more adjustments. Coincidence? Who knows?

And of course, stirring in my head was the e-mail that I was going to write him - apologizing for my reaction but, of course, also trying to "right" him by explaining my new student theory - that you can't tell people everything they're doing wrong if you want them to do it right" or something like that - or the need to honor and move with their body rather than oppose it - of course, this would have been patronizing, but I really did want him to know that I've been a teacher for 10 years and a practitioner for 18 - ironic since that's what pissed me off when the other Hvd yoga teacher answered my "why" question of foot placement in down dog "because I've been teaching for 28 years" - uh, oh, yeah, great reason.

I'm not sure how much of it is ego, how much insecurity - both - they go together - I always want to impress other people - was it an issue that if he criticized my form that it meant I wasn't a very "good" yogi?

I have a really tough time taking criticism and suggestion - no matter where it comes from - which makes me really sad when I critique Liam sometimes with a lot of what he's doing when he's in his stimulation seeking frenzy. Am I creating a mini-me?

to PhD or not PhD

I'm in quite a funk right now. I'm finally settled and feel good (actually excited) about all of my classes, but I'm not at all settled on what next year is going to bring for us.

I thought that once I started school and realized how much work it would be that I would just want to be done this year and get my academic/research jonesin' out of the way. Hardly. I'm soaking up a book i'm reading on qualitative research like it's candy. I really do want to continue on and get a PhD but I just can't imagine a family scenario where that would work. It's really bumming me out.

Understandably, Chris doesn't want to move to a new place next year. He'd be OK with staying here or going back to the Bay Area, and both of us really want to go back home to Oakland. I'm really missing everyone and everything (except the crack house next door). The problem? There are no doctoral programs in the Bay Area that fit exactly what I want to do. Where are they? Philadelphia, L.A., Seattle, NYC. None of these places I really want to live.

It's just tough to imagine having the kids in full-time care somewhere 'cuz we just can't afford to have Chris have time off next year - and right now I have the dreamiest of all student/mom situations having C doing full-time dad/homemaker work. We can't sustain this over the course of the next few years. Or can we? We could sell the house, but then all of our equity would be down the toilet. Just for two more years, perhaps? Til Kalian is 4? Yeah, that would take all of our equity. Yikes. Chris could maybe work half time??? But that's not even the main issue - the main issue is building and sustaining community.

OK, attention all women in their early 20s - make sure you do absolutely everything you want to do career-wise before pumpin' out those babes. I'm really sad and confused about the whole thing. Today in the NYT there was an article by a woman academic on why she hadn't had kids yet - I wanted to quickly e-mail her - don't do it! don't do it!

Of course, when I say stuff like this I feel incredibly guilty 'cuz I love my two kidlets more than I ever imagined.....but more guilty admissions...sometimes at night I can't wait til I put Liam to bed so I can go back to studying! Ok, maybe some of it is that it's just darned difficult for me to stay connected to them. I really miss the days when I could just do whatever the heck I wanted - in bourgeoise moderation, of course.

When I really think through the scenarios, though, if we did move somewhere for me to go to grad school, I would have to then try to get a teaching position somewhere in 5-6 years and then we would have to move AGAIN - and what about wanting to do a stint abroad with the kids? Where does that fit in to everything? Do I really want an all out full-on research pressured lifestyle?

When I think about it I really do want to be able to hang out with the kids more and be part-time. Maybe I should just stop right there cockadoodledoodledoo (anyone who gets that reference gets a box of chocolates.)

light at the end

I'm finally feeling like a real person. I went to bed last night (well, really fell asleep on the couch) at 10pm and Kalian didn't wake up til 6.45 - I got over 8 hours of sleep. I don't think I've gotten that much sleep in months, maybe a year. I felt amazingly well and refreshed this morning. It was incredible.

Then, again, I had a pretty lousy previous two days. I was exhausted on Tuesday after staying up most of Monday night working on that paper. I rushed to finish it between Quant and my NB class. Of course, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out how to number the pages on the paper without putting a number on the cover page - you know, the really important parts about writing a paper.

Then, the late afternoon/evening was perfectly orchestrated. Chris brought the kids the K school go to a partner/spouse/family event, and I met up with them, b'fd Kalian - then Chris was going to take the kids to dinner while I went to go see JillCarroll speak (the Christian Science Monitor reporter who was kidnapped in Iraq). She's a fellow at the ShorensteinCenter (Center for Press and Politics at the K school). I then had the "great" idea of taking the family up to the center to get some of the free pizza. It seems like every day about 3-4 events are happening with free food. Why pay for dinner with money we don't have when these meals all come from our humungous loans.

So when we got up there, this narrow aisle entrance to the seminar room was lined with a dozen pizza boxes and a huge dessert tray. I grabbed a piece for Liam, but immediately a woman with a clipboard asked if we had made reservations. Reservations, I thought. Huh? Isn't that the point of, again, paying all of this tuition to get to go to all of these events? In the back of my mind, I totally understood JillC's wanting to keep it small, but, I was furious. I decided to lead the family in the back of the Center to eat the pizza. On the way back, I ran into NPalmer - the director. After having that talk a month ago about how to portray myself with/without kids and her being clear of preferring not to put the mom thing out there - I felt wierd trapsing my family back there. But I felt even more dumb and angry going back through that narrow hallway with people waiting to get in - for a few reasons....I said to NP what I now regret "I forgot to RSVP - this seems like a fancy club that people are waiting to get into" - Why do I regret it? I somehow felt silly admiting that I had f'ed up and not read the e-mail to see that I had to RSVP - I also felt dumb b/c it looked like I was going to bring my two young kids to the event. Did she think I was silly? Why do I care? And when we walked by the room, it was clear that the 15 people limitation did not count the Shor.Ctr facultyl, staff, Nieman folks, etc. - why are we second class citizens - and, my parting thought was, were those folks in the small room really going to eat all of those pizzas?

Meanwhile, I dropped Chris off at this ritzy country club for a preschool party - yes, you heard that right. We can't afford a babysitter for a preschool party - because, it was adults only, like the upcoming potluck. What's up with that? It's so bizarre that these are adult only events...

Anyway, I spent the evening preparing for my in-class presentation of my paper on the rise of corporate journalism. I had this great idea to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek and start out the class with my presentation by saying that I have a confession - that I just sold some Knight Ridder stock (our readings talked extensively about KR and McClatchy) - and I said I had financial ties to McClatchy. Then, I was going to talk about Chris' experience with both papers - yadayada - and ask a rhetorical question - does this influence what I think about the paper/corporate journalism's influence? How do corporate owners influence what is published? And also ask how do the authors of the readings influence what they say? I thought it was a fun way to do my presentation and start the class discussion.

However, JC just launched into the discussion - giving his own talk/experience with KR (ugh, I thought, he's stealing my punch) and then he asked people to consider on a linear scale of zero as editor tyranny to abject pandering (to readers' interest) what newspapers should publish. I was fuming and preparing - I'm not so great at speaking, so I was plotting to e-mail my shtick to everyone. Then, with just 15 minutes left in the class, he realized his mistake and asked me if I had anything to say. I um'ed and hesitated and then launched into my presentation - as my class mate pointed out, I started to acknowledge and bring together everyone else's comments - but the result was what I begged Kn to tell me how it went afterwards "I could be more direct and succinct" - that was an understatement. It went horrible. Afterwards, JC apologized again, and I wanted to vent - but noone from my class - usually my buds came to my lunch table - I felt like I was in junior high - but more importantly, I thought they were avoiding me. It was terrible.

I spent the next 24 hours being incredibly self-critical and feeling ashamed of what I did. I want so badly to let that kind of stuff float off my back, but I have such a tough time doing that - I had a revelation walking to school this morning in the brisk (ok, read cold) fall morning across the gorgeous harvard yard with vivid leaf colors....hmmm...what was that revelation? Of course, I can't remember it now - but I somehow put my beating myself up with something...was this the light? I just can't see through the light, I guess.

But I did have a good day in quant, study group and NB's class - at least I didn't stop speaking up in NB's class - which I'm really loving, btw - he brings up great issues of freedom/press, etc. We saw the McChesney video, and then I talked to him afterwards - he also gave me some great suggestions aboug grad school - though tried to convince me to go to law school, heh heh - when I asked him about Compaine - he said he beat him out of the job of head of Temple's Comm dept. Interesting...he said he had to stay in Phil for an extra two years before taking a permanent position here - it just struck me - I wonder if he kps his psn cz f lg. But I'm totally loving him - I'm so psyched they haven't gotten rid of one of the few radical profs at the K school.

I went to a yoga class afterwards - I felt pretty good after going to the last one. This one wasn't as great. The teacher is very sweet - he said today he'll turn 65 this year. He has this great classic Boston accent, but he teaches by yelling directions - kindly but still yelling - across the room and of course he tried to get me to "fix" my low back. I finally asked him when he told me to move my feet forward in dd "why" he actually said that he just knows after teaching for 28 years - I wanted to stand up and say something snide - once again I want everyone to know so badly that I have a lot of experience, too. Do I want to be judged by that? I'm just so afraid of not being perfect all of the time. I ended up in tears eventually - but was also just bored - he want so slowly and it was so cold that I ended up getting up and leaving toward the end of the class.

I then went to read the qualitative reserach book - or one of them - for the class I start in a few weeks - I'm loving it - at the K school - then I went to go meet with my quant teacher - I got there early - but didn't want to sit near her office 'cuz I was afraid I'd run into CS since his office is next door - silly - she never came, so I was walking out when she finally came - offered me tea- it was a sweet time - I told her about KJ and about my Willie Wonka/stats idea. I then walked out - had a nice chat with Jnie - and then caught a little bit of the mid-careers from the former Soviet Union - it was very interesting - good to hear some capitalist critique - but plenty of the bread line stories, too. I felt bad b/c I was checking my e-mail in the back - I felt like I had to work - but it actually felt luxurious to go to this talk.

Had a blast tonight with the kids!!! We played grocery store, built a car out of a box and it was so great not to play with legos!

Missing Home

Hmm....I'm sitting on the third floor of Littauer on the computer, and Chris is here with the kids for a family orientation for k students' partners. I had offered to take the kids, but he didn't want the K train to get upset when I would have to leave again. I'm going to a one hour talk of Jll Crrl's and then I'll take the kids while Chris goes to a swanky bash at CE. Anyway, I guess he changed his mind b/c I turned around when I heard him say, "Here." He put Kalian down on the floor, along with her potty and just walked away. He's been having a tough time and no real break from the kids.

Anyway, I'm really missing folks back home. Friday night, we called Mickey and the friday night gang b/c Liam was still up. (the next night we let him stay up, too, to watch Curious George for "movie" night - to celebrate my new popcorn maker!) When Liam was talking to Mickey and the kids, I just started to bawl. I really miss her and my whole community so much. Chris was empathetic but he understandably had already gone through this intense phase I'm feeling when we first arrived. I was so immersed in my program that I just didn't feel the weight of our move at that point.

When I walked Liam preschool yesterday (it's more like running to keep up with him while he rides his running bike) - he didn't want to turn down the street toward his school and then didn't want to pull into the driveway. Instead, he asked, where are we going? Poor guy. He seemed so morose. And then, today, during my media and democracy class, I got a call from his preschool - he was either sick or sad - possibly both. I feel terrible.

I don't think I realized until experiencing the lack of HOAC elements - how great we/they had it - the coop, the garden, trampoline - oh, and of course theresa and the gang.

I'm breastfeeding kalian now while typing upstairs from the forum...won't last long...

post birthday

Yesterday, during my birthday lunch - a random assortment of folks from JC's class, we were having a good rant/chat about JCs class. One student was so nice - he not only bought my lunch - but he also gave me some great feedback about my class participation. I tend to give some background to a politically challenging question but never quite state my opinion - I tend to just frame it as a question. He was very kind, but I need/want to be more forthright with my argument and less, well demur. My goal in my 40s - speak my mind more!

I had a really nice exchange with JC - he was sitting outside at a picnic table eating lunch. I barged myself on down (I should have asked, I guess) - we talked about Gary Webb, among other interesting topics. He also asked me for my advice about the class. I of course gave a qualifying buildup, but then told him the truth about needing more back and forth discussion. It felt great. I also told him (probably shouldn't have) that I am still struggling with how to write in an argument/academic style rather than the so-called objective - he said/she said - and I had that challenge with my paper.

I'm a little frustrated that it wasn't until the last minute that I saw that connection between how I pose questions in class and how I wrote the paper - I had a strong opinion, but did it come out enough in my paper? Did I really question any type of corporate ownership?

Last night, I came home from working on my paper to a wonderful family time for my birthday. I was just having fun with the kids, and bouncing Kalian around when Chris said dinner was ready. Yahoo. I am sooo lucky. Yummy fahitas. We hung out together as a family, which was actually quite rare - usually we're tag teaming it. Then, we gathered in the kitchen, and Chris lit all 40 candles - Kalian was mesmerized and Liam couldn't wait to blow them out - he did it before I made a wish, but that's ok because he's part of that wish - to spend more connected time with them. And then we fed our kids cake and ice cream! Yikes. Chris had offered to do it after we put Kalian down to bed, but I really wanted her to be a part of the celebration. She actually wasn't that hot on the cake but couldn't get enough of the frozen yogurt. You go girl. I let K stay up a little later than usual to let her wind down from her sugar high. I was able to put Liam to bed earlier than usual 'cuz he hadn't napped.

Ah, did I have the rest of the night to relax and celebrate and honor my 40th birthday? Not exactly. I had two big assignments due today - quant and the JC paper on corporate journalism. I started in on both. Meanwhile, I got a bunch of calls from the friends that I've been missing terribly, and the kids decided both to wake up screaming in the evening, so it wasn't until 2.30 til I finished my paper (those darned endnotes) and crawled into bed, getting 3 hours of sleep before Kalian woke me up in the morning - when it becomes an ama fest and struggle between L and K. Welcome to my 40s.

Happy 40th Birthday To Me

I'm 40 today. No mid-life crisis. I already had one the previous 5 years. I was so depressed while pregnant with Kalian.

It's amazing. I am doing something fun, challenging, new and stimulating so no incredible crisis, though 40 does make me feel old, whatever that means.

We celebrated on Saturday night, so it feels like a normal work-my-ass off kind of school day with a paper due tomorrow. That's OK.

Yesterday, I experienced the kind of decisions I'm needing to make all of the time. Another reason why I xnayed the B&B was that I wanted to go to a mysore yoga class. I havent' gone in over a month. It's tough to justify the time to make it over there. But when I woke up in the morning I knew that I needed to study for most of the day, so I decided that I'd rather spend my free time with the kids. It was nice. We hung out, got out winter clothes - I thought I actually have some - it was more like one sweater and a pair of long johns. Maybe a b-day gift to myself will be to go to TJMaxx.

Turning 40 tomorrow

Last night, Chris and I went out on a bona fide date!

Of course, it wasn't without its challenges. First, finding a babysitter. Chris had tried to find a sitter. He had asked two friends that had watched the kids before, so that we wouldn't be introducing new people all of the time to the kids - and b/c we are cheap. Chris asked me for advice about the sitter. The uber busy student part of me didn't want to deal with it. It's my birthday, I thought, why should I have to deal with the logistics of going out? Of course, that's easier said than done since I have the propensity to try and "get involved" (I'm trying to avoid the word "control") in so many decisions - it's hard for me to just let go. So I asked a woman at the K school who had wanted to babysit for money. She's very sweet but had to check on another commitment. Meanwhile, a young 22yo student in my quant study group out of the blue on Friday e-mailed me and volunteered to watch the kids while we went out. Who cares if I barely know him and I think he wants to work for the state department? He was nice and free and free.

I spent the whole day working on this paper on corporate journalism for JC's class, and then I came home to prepare for our night out. I was in a slightly better mood than earlier in the day. Chris and I had been snapping at each other again, and I was so angry that I didn't even feel like going out with him - or at least that's what I said, though sometimes that's my way of expressing anger or frustration. Anyway, I b'fed Kalian, jumped in the shower, got slightly guzzied up and took off for the first part of our night-0xtravaganza. I went to this place a few blocks from our house called "Urban Oasis" - a hot tub spa place - cross between Kabuki and Osento - I got a massage from a very groovy woman. When I got out, I got a message to call Chris at home. Uh oh. Kalian didn't go down as easily as she usually does (i.e. put her jammies on and lay her in her crib). She'd been crying and upset for an hour. Chris was supposed to soak with me in one of their tubs. Sigh. I was feeling so light and free after the massage, that I had a lot more clarity than I think I usually do. I simply told him not to force it on her and come whenever he could. It would be ok.

I soaked by myself - it would have been much better with Chris, but it was still so nice and decadent to do it. They usually don't allow people to soak by themselves in the private rooms, but since I "had experience" in the Bay Area, they let me. Afterwards, I was having a nice chat with the owners when Chris finally came - quite harried. Poor guy.

We then walked over to a southern restaurant a few blocks away in Inman Square - Southern Magnolia. It was a dive, but with the super high prices I thought it must be really somethin' (ha). I hadn't really eaten all day and was drooling over the fried green tomatoes and catfish but was unfortunately disappointed. On top of everthing else, I was fighting off a cold, and Chris wasn't feeling too hot, either, so we could not even finish one glass of wine between the two of us. Oh, well, it was still fabulous to be out.

What to do after dinner? It was about 9.30. Originally, Chris had a great plan to walk over to a nearby B&B, "hang out" with me there and then let me stay and sleep in for the first time in forever while he went home to deal with the kids. I had gotten wind of this plan beforehand, was feeling pissy toward Chris, and had told him to cancel it. It was a fabulously sweet idea. I just thought it was so much money, but I really think it was that I have a hard time letting people take care of me.

On a whim, we walked into Improv Boston - a local comedy club and ended up going to the 10pm show. It was so much fun to do something different like that. Afterwards, we rushed home since we were a few minutes later than we had told KJ - he was very sweet. He said he had watched my doc but didn't offer any comments, so I'm curious what he really thought. I also wonder how he felt about doing the diaper and kid thing, though he was very accomodating.

I know he's a xn - thank god for KJ.

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