Ben and Jerry's

On Sunday, we had our friend Wendy, who was in town back from a music camp, over for brunch. Again, I hadn't seen her for three years. It's strange to spend such a short amount of time with someone I used to be very close with. And it also felt awkward because I felt bad that she's been struggling with relationship/fertility issues for so long when I can not honestly be very empathetic since I get pregnant so quickly (though not now, hopefully). But she is so wonderful, so it was great to see her. She was beating herself up for not having kids earlier in life. But what did we really know, then? We were the product of such a strange generation of thinking we could have kids later in life and wanting to establish our identities first as women and as mothers second, if at all - which was my case.

What does this have to do with Cherry Garcia? Well, right after she left, we threw some clothes in a few bags and hopped into the car. I'm usually such the constant planner and organizer that I start packing days in advance of a trip with lots of lists. Is this just a product of my new role? No time to plan? That's how Chris always packs.

Anyway, all we knew was that we wanted to get away for a few days. We had no destination in mind or any reservations. Just a travel guide book on New England we had picked up the day before, so when we got to the end of the street, we realized we had to figure out where we were going, at least in terms of which highway to head toward. We decided on Vermont and to go through New Hampshire to get there. So we set out.

In the end, we spent a tad too much money (Ok, maybe more than a tad) on accomodations, but at least they were easy to come by. Our first stop, mostly because the kids were waking up from their naps by that point - was Montpelier, the capital of Vermont and a very sweet little town. We were lucky to find a B & B "carriage house" (i.e. apartment over a garage) with two bedrooms, a kitchen and a living room. We got it very cheap because we called late on a Sunday night, and I think they wanted to sell the room at any price. This set the bar kind of high for us as both Chris and I were expecting a one room Motel 6, but it was great to stretch out a bit and make bedtime easier. Fortunately, there was even a crib for Kalian, and we somehow were so exhausted that we allowed (?) Liam to watch the Emmy's with us until Chris generously agreed to put him to bed.

The weather was lousy, so we headed off to Waterbury in the morning after a yummy b'fast - the best part, IMO, about B & B's. Liam was still trying to wrap his brain around where we were and why we were going into someone's house we didn't know to eat.

Yep, we toured the Ben & Jerry's factory - where Kalian had her first taste of ice cream. Hopefully, Chris will post the photo of it on his blog where she first grimaced at the cold and then eagerly lobbed her head forward to lick some more. Then we headed out to Burlington, where we had a fabulous lunch at a restaurant run by the culinary institute. Well, our good fortune somehow detiorated at that point. Spontaneity can be so great, but we then decided to walk down to the waterfront - on Lake Champlain. It took forever to get there and then we somehow ended up sitting in bleachers in front of a skate park for awhile(not "state" - skate - watching pre-pubescent boys use their scooters up and down cement curves and hills). Liam and Kalian both loved it and wanted to go inside. Maybe when they're 18.

Both Chris and I were frustrated, having wanted a much more bucolic experience, so I selfishly offered to trek back up the hill and bring our car around. I just didn't have the energy to battle two nap hungry kids. After picking them up we decided to head up the Champlain islands to find a state (yes, state) park to go on a hike. Everyone but I was soon asleep. It was amazing how in late August that the leaves were already changing in the wetlands on the first island. The road was not near the water, so I soon questioned my lobbying to head so far up north. We tried to stop at a state park, but it turned out it was primarily for camping, so we just headed back down toward Burlington. I constantly try to do the "perfect" way to spend my time or money, so I was pretty frustrated. Looking back on it, now, though I guess I was able to see the area while the kids napped in the car. That ended up being our modus operandi - napping the kids while we drove to another destination.

We really wanted to go to Shelburne Farms, so we headed down that way. The guidebook we had - a Fodor's - was a tad too bougie and pricey, so it was tough to use it for accomodations - we had found the previous B&B by a sign on the road - of course, a small brown sign since billboards thankfully are banned in Vermont. Anyway, we drove past Shelburne to try for another lucky find, but we were so far south of Shelburne at this point, that we decided to stop somewhere and ask for suggestions. The "travel info" place where we stopped was pushing one motel and one only - and the brochure made it sound pretty cheesey, so I thought I'd give the actual Inn at Shelburne farms a try, though it got 2-3 $ signs (out of 4), so I knew it would be expensive, but they said they had a room available, and we were so exhausted and tired that we decided to go for it.

When we pulled up to the entrance of the 1400 acre non-profit farm, we stopped at the gate. We were asked if we had reservations, I said we had just called and that there were a few rooms available. I just figured that this far north in Vermont on a Monday night that accomodations were relatively plentiful. The guard was friendly but he would call at the Inn to let them know we were coming and let us through. Hmmm...Well, as we drove into the farm, my heart rate slowed and the stress of travel just melted away. Having kids makes spontaneity much more challenging than when I hitchhiked by myself around New Zealand for a month. This place was stunning in its beauty and really reminded me of New Zealand, as well as Cape Breton - right on the coast and so many gently rolling hills. Then, as we pulled up to the Inn, I swallowed with a gulp. This place looked pretty darn ritzy. When we pulled up, I was reminded of the family camping trips I took with my parents and 3 sisters in our volkswagon when we'd occasionally go to a fancy hotel for one of my dad's conferences and we'd unload like a car of clowns oodles of camping gear.

I took Kalian inside. The "front desk" was a discrete room on the side of a large sitting room that overlooked the lake. The woman working there had her hair in a bun and looked like the epitome of a friendly yet proper librarian. She was very genteel and had her assistant help me. When they found out we had kids, she said we would have to rent both rooms. Yikes. That's 1/2 month's supply of food or a big chunk of my course books. But we were now way out in the most relaxing place I can imagine with both kids upset after waking up that I handed her my credit card.

I must say that it was pretty darn close to being worth it. The rooms were amazing and the service so homey yet somehow prim at the same time. It reminded me of the classic eastern country club set. Nostalgic memories of the rich kids I grew up with but sickened by the exclusivity.

Unfortunately, after paying that much money we just missed the tea and sandwiches but we still got brought a nice basket of apples, crackers and their own homemade cheese. We then discovered an incredible playroom just outside of our rooms. It's the classic early 1900's play area - giant dollhouses, metal and wood tractors and trains, flapper dress-up clothes and sweet books. It was so great to come somewhere and have the kids be able to relax and play. But then I looked outside and saw the amazing "lawn" out near the water, and I knew we all needed some fresh air, so we went outside and had walked around. We had a blast and Chris commented to the disdain of a couple sipping a glass of wine in adirondack chairs facing the water, "We gotta start spending our equity loan at some point."

Chris had found out that they had rowboats and kayaks to use, so he took Liam out in a rowboat. My heart was pounding the whole time since Liam can't swim - although he was wearing a fitted life jacket and I "made" them stay within 100 feet of the shoreline. It was a perfect evening. We were too broke now to have dinner at the Inn, not to mention that you have to "dress" for dinner and kids have to behave themselves, and the concept of getting ourselves and the kids back into the car and driving out of this heaven on earth was not conceivable, so we had a yummy array of leftovers outside on their patio. After putting the kids to bed, Chris and I took a bath in the yummy clawfoot tub and enjoyed some quiet time together without television in our comfy bed. (Is that subtle enough?) - it doesn't matter because I'm sure noone is reading this far down...

The next morning, I got up early with Kalian - or should I say Kalian got me up very early. I took advantage of the one time I could take a hike, so I strapped her to my back in the Ergo and set out in the morning mist. We walked along farm roads and paths seeing the rugged coast, a hidden garden, and heaps of animals like deer, sheep, and even gophers. Kalian was such a trooper as I hiked around for more than 90 minutes. Chris hadn't seen my note but was happily engaged with Liam after getting some coffee and tiny complimentary muffins.

Chris really wanted to have breakfast at the Inn. I didn't want to spend the money, but eating out breakfast is one of his favorite things to do, so I braced the wait staff for our kids' energy and was hoping that breakfast is a tad more mellow. Unfortunately, it was drizzling or we would have been able to eat outside on the patio. Liam's normal and lively voice made quite the loud echo in the formal dining room, but I cared little as I knew we were leaving soon. He soon quieted down with a large bowl of raisin bran that the waitress offered (not on the menu, of course). With all of the silverware in front of me, I realized how long it had been since I took those ettiquette classes in Ottawa Hills in the 7th grade.

We then packed up our stuff and headed out to the actual farm. It was a treasure. So many educational opportunities and a very friendly staff. We watched the chicken parade and cows being milked. Liam did try to catch chickens but was too scared to try to milk the cow, though he did try to imitate it later on. It's amazing how much those kidlets soak in. I asked the woman doing the milking if cows let down like humans. She said she wouldn't know since she's never had a baby. Hmmm....

Liam was in heaven playing with the myriad of tractors around, and Kalian liked playing with the small wheelbarrow and loading it up with rocks. We visited the cheesemaking area, the woodshop and the bakery on site. We then took a tractor ride to complete Liam's tractormania. He was thrilled when the driver said he could get up in the driver's seat. We ate lunch and then tried to decide what to do. This was our constant struggle on this trip - balancing out everything we wanted to see with the kids' schedule, our budget and trying to drive. Chris really wanted to go to the Shelburne museum, so at 12.30 we headed out to what turned out to be a huge outdoor historical village. The ticket prices were hefty, so we debated ad nauseum whether or not to stay. Finally, Chris convinced me that we were here, so why not? This place was so big that to try to go in before the kids would completely melt down by 2pm was a tall order. It was so big that a small part of the area was a real paddle wheel boat complete with sleeping cabins. Liam was simultaneously entranced and frightened, but relaxed more at the train station and old fashioned toy building.

When we left, we managed to drive, partially in the rain, all the way down to Brattleboro during nap time. This time we stayed at a hotel in the guidebook. It said it was an art deco place downtown. Once again, we opted for the two room option for just a few bucks more. It was in a slightly seedy part of town but was very convenient to tooling around town and going to a nice cafe overlooking an old-fashioned bridge on the river. The next morning convinced Chris to eat the bland continental breakfast at the hotel and we head out back toward Mass. We really did want to go on a hike. First, we tried a hike in the guidebook in a small town, but when we drove to what we thought was the parking lot, we realized that we had driven to the top of the hike itself overlooking the town, and it was very urban, which we were not in the mood for.

So we hopped back into the car and headed back toward Boston. We saw that Erving State Park was on the way. We decided to go for it. It took a long time to get to the parking area, but we ended our trip with a great find. Liam was a trooper as he did the mile long hike up a mountain/hill for a great lookout and then down again. It felt great to take a hike with our family - that the kids are slowly getting old enough to do it - or at least Liam is old enough and Kalian is still small enough to throw in the backpack. We were then so lucky that on the other side of the parking lot was a beach on a lake - where we had a nice lunch and the kids played in the water til we threw them in the car for the final nap and ride home.

post party

Well, Chris has more details in his blog, but we had a fabulous time at our "Summer Soiree" for the K school Thursday night. Joel (and later Lani) came over to watch the kids. Fortunately, Kalian is going down early enough these days to put her to sleep before going out. Liam was very excited about playing with Chris, and when he crawled into bed this morning, he said, "Where's Joel?" - i.e. why isn't he in bed with all of us?

Anyway, I convinced Chris to put on his great 70's Tux shirt, and I threw on a dress I had made in Vietnam, and we walked over to the K school. I, of course, brought a bag for my dancing shoes. If I was going to walk that long I needed to go in my earthy sandals. So I handed off my big pink/purple/orange bag to Chris to carry over there. The bag combined with his billowing tux shirt made him into quite the metrosexual that many an eye noticed. For some reason, it was also the first time I had worn my hair down. Cheesy metaphor, perhaps? Well, we ended up having mostly fun conversation and entirely fun dancing. It felt great to let go.

But when I woke up Friday morning, it was raining and I had a visit from aunt flow. It definitely felt like a hangover - but without the alcohol part. I had the kids that morning, so I had planned to get together with Anita, who had just moved out here. She's a friend from the Bay Area. We were to meet at a kids sing-along. The event wasn't happening, so we went over to Anita's house. She has two boys, about the same age as Liam and Kalian, so it was a perfect opportunity for me to just let them go bonkers over a huge play area in her house loaded with toys. I had it pretty easy.

This morning we went to the Harvard Coop for story hour. The theme was the Boston Red Sox. The kids weren't interested in the books, but Liam actually found the red sock puppets mildly entertaining, and the free cheese fish and chocolate chip cookies were a big hit. But I mainly wanted to go to pick up a Harvard course catalogue and some travel books. We didn't think we'd feel settled enough to travel during my time off, but we feel pretty grounded and want to take the opportunity to get away before I get pounded with course work.

Ok, not sure what the point of this post is - more journal like...

It Ain't Ova Til It's Ova

We just had our last Mid-Career Group Session in the Forum. I was not looking forward to it. I'm feeling slightly morose about my exam results. But more importantly, I was worried that it would just be another time for students to ramble on and for administrators to tell us one more time not to plagarize and to make goals for ourselves. Yawn.

Before the session started, we were all chatting amongst ourselves, when all of a sudden we all heard sharp and bright bagpipe music. We looked up to see a man dressed in full Scottish attire playing the bagpipes. It was already starting out better than I thought. F and M gave their usual raps, the D gave an interesting talk - mostly b/c I hadn't heard him before, L was wonderfully heartfelt and read a wonderful poem and told us about all of the details for the party tonight. And then, the floor was opened. Both P and I were groaning, hoping noone would approach the mike. Then, all of a sudden, Cn went up to the mike. She said that when she heard the bagpipe music it had reminded her of her parents' deaths over the last 5 years since it had been played at their funerals, and then she said that we were now all of her family. Sweet. Then, with only a few exceptions, the people who stood up to speak were int he 50 plus range. It was profound, beautiful, sad and funny.

Lawyer (?) said that he was struck at the respect at the Mid-Career forum when the military guys spoke and the discussion was so different from when he was in college during the Vietnam war from '69 - '73 when there was a lot more antagonism. He felt here there was much more civility.

Amherst (?) blew me away. She first said something to the effect that it's impossible to learn if you think you know to much. Ok, she said it much more eloquently, but it totally hit home. She then revealed that her dad had gone into the hospital last night, and she had packed her bags ready to go see him in the hospital. He had always wanted to go to Harvard medical school but had to forgo his dream to take care of her when she was a child. During the session this afternoon, he told her that if she didn't stay today and tonight for the party that he wouldn't let her in the hospital room. I was crying like a baby at that point.

Older woman (need to track down her name - cropped hair) - went to the mike and said that at age 58 1/2 she feels ok and not humiliated to ask for help in her work...

Another older man stood up and said he was struck by receiving his student ID card because he said he could go to the movies and receive both a student and AARP senior discount.

R from Africa stood up and said that after only having 2 years of math in school, that she is now an expert in math and econ - she said it with such humility, it was beautiful. She then introduced an African women's tradition of formal meeting and greeting and let out a loud trilling whoop. It was amazing.

The prime minister stood up and said that a lot of people had asked him why he's here - if he's already a prime minister. He made some jokes about his age and how nervous he felt when he'd show up to class not having done his homework.

Overall, it was just so great to hear the wisdom and humility of older folks talking about being in school. It really grounds me since I have had this chip on my shoulder about being an old fogie. I need to make room!

Random Rants and Raves

These are all recent observations....

-An Irish woman in my program told me that I was very brave to wear my cowgirl hat. When I asked why, she mentioned Texas and the west. Ah, more regionalism. It's very annoying and keeping the left in the country from winning.

-I talked to M in the studio lab. She has two young kids and we commiserated how simultaneously nice it is not to have to talk about kid stuff all of the time but also nice having someone else who understands how exciting it is when you're kid starts pooping in the potty. Of course, though, this only came up after a military guy (Chris has made friends with his wife) commented how impressed he is with Kalian's pottying.

- The last Friday of the summer session there was a tour of Harvard. I would have loved to have gone but I had to choose not to because I needed to spend more time with the kids. This concept of trying to take a sip of water from the firehose will only continue throughout the year....

-My econ instructor keeps making serious yet playful jabs at how heartless economists are - but she's not criticizing herself in the process, she's really saying that economists need to seem heartless so everyone will benefit from the free market in the long run - hah! Since it was post-final, I wasn't paying a lot of attention when she explained, in theoretically clear economic terms, why ceo's get paid so much money.

-I've realized that I feel a lot of shame around not doing so well on my quant exam.

-I was very humbled, wow'ed and completely sucked into the sanctity of the main Harvard library - Widener. I couldn't help but feel a tad of pride as I was able to go into the building with my student ID while all of the tourists weren't. I ran into Mc and Tv there, and it was nice to know folks already enough to run "into" them. I loved the quiet and the echoes in the walking and even whispering in the building.

-Kathleen Hannan, our dear friend, came for a vist. Unfortunately, it was too short and right before my exams, so it was tough to be as present as I wanted to be with her. She is such a joy and graciously played music with the kids. It made me realize that Rinat was right on in her description of how challenging on friendships motherhood and graduate school can be.

-Last week-end, we finally got the week-end day trip "right." Trying to figure out family time and study time on the week-ends has been tough. I studied in the morning and then we threw the kids in the car for a nap. When they woke up, we had just arrived in Salem. We walked around on what turned out to be a gorgeous day. We were bummed because we had planned on going to a K school student organized trip down to "World's End" and then back to Sn's house for a gathering. But Chris' choice was perfect. It was nice walking around. Liam was able to check out an old boat, and I fell in love with everything witch. We even ended up striking up a conversation with a local dad, who had gone to Duke, and suggested a great place to take the kids for dinner - an Irish pub which has Celtic music on Sunday nights. The kids had a blast dancing, and we, of course, ate too much and ordered too much food.

Last Day of Summer School & Academia Musings

I'm between my last two meetings of my quant and econ classes - getting back our finals. I had another gut reaction to my quant exam. I made some stupid mistakes but still managed to do better than I did on my mid-term. I'm still struggling with the half-empty/half-full mentality. In my head, I kept figuring out how I could have gotten a better score if I had checked my work or just figured out such an obvious answer to one of the questions. In other words, second guessing myself and beating myself up for doing so poorly. At the end of the class, we played a fun game theory game on the computer in teams, and she handed out a prize to the student who did best on the exam - which was actually a tie between M and Z. M got it because he did better than Z on the mid-term (this is sounding like a math question in and of itself, but I was hoping Z would get it because she's the mother of a 2 year old. Go moms!)

So despite my hopefully temporary low-self worth feeling over my quant (and probably my impending econ) exam results, I was reflecting on the way over here how happy I am that I'm doing this program. It took me almost 20 years, but I finally made it to grad school. I resisted it for so long despite my love of research, writing and teaching. I guess growing up, really, in a university library, had something to do with it. Both my parents worked at a University. Dad as a prof and mom as a library archivist, so I spent so much time on a campus that I feel like I've come home. Aftere I graduated from college, I thought I would take a year off and head straight toward a double graduate degree in law and public health.

But I fell in love . . . with a strong political and labor movement in African-American communities in rural North Carolina. It became clear that grounded grassroots organizing was much more important to me than ivory tower research. Although I spent some of my ten years in that activist work actually organizing academics and even co-teaching a class at the Duke Medical school on rural health, I still firmly believed that work in the trenches was much more important than that of "students", which is the term we almost derisively used for academia. However, "we" still believed that academics were important cogs in the movement wheel. But rather than become one the best thing to do was organize them. An organizer has much greater reach than any one individual. I still mostly believe this, but, ultimately, it's not the right path for me. Yes, I'll always be an organizer. Can't help it, but I have resisted not just the steering away from academia by sisters and brothers in the movement but also by academics themselves. I look forward to finally persuing what I've been toying with for years and always coming up with reasons not to do it. It's clear by how satisfied I am that I'm in the right place.

Me and the Guys

This morning I had my final quant exam. I left the house an hour early to try and study. My attempts at studying last night at 1369 were not very fruitful. The novelty of studying at a cafe has worn off. It's expensive, inconvenient, loud and last night was very crowded. Yep, the students (i.e. everyone else but me:) are slowly filtering back into Cambridge, and I had to wait 15 minutes just to get a seat.

However, yesterday, Tv helped me study. My assumtions and prejudices about the guys in the Israeli military are slowly shifting, at least with Tv. When he was helping me study, he saw how much of the info I had printed out and was slightly horrified and saddened by all of the trees that had been killed. Then, today, he told me about the open heart surgery he had last year. When he told me it was 9 months ago and knowing that he has a newborn, I made some type of comment about the timing. He blushed and almost giggled in his gruff way when he admitted to trying to procreate right before surgery - just in case anything happened. And when he told me that he was leaving on Thursday afternoon to fly back to Israel to bring his family back (he has a 3 week old and a 2 year old), I said it was too bad he'd miss the final party. He replie d very appropriately, "It wouldn't be very fun without my wife." But then he added that after being married for three years that he's learned what to say. Harumph.

Anyway, I felt very confident after my study session when I walked into the Starr auditorium for our exam. We were taking our exam there because our both of our instructor's sections were taking the exam. When I walked into the auditorium, most of the desk seats were already taken - by men. Granted, it's no surprise that the other section has almost all men, as well, but it felt very intimidating to walk in there. Slowly, a few other women trickled in. I have been noticing that after not having done so hot on the mid-term that I am asking a lot less questions in the class. Is it because I don't feel as up to snuff? Is it a slow, creeping sexism thing? Yesterday, when D was asking questions about game theory and the underlying assumption (yet again) of selfishness, M in her own playful way put D back in her place. In other words, D was left wondering if she should have asked the question at all, and she was clearly bothered by her response. There is a low tolerance for questions, mostly due to the fast pace of the class, but I also wonder if it's the male energy - even coming from a woman instructor. We do all grow up in a world where, as Chris would say sarcastically, "Men rule the world."

post-traumatic yoga

Ah, more decadence. I not only get to take showers in the morning now, but I also got to do yoga in the middle of the day. I had a tough econ exam today and wasn't ready to jump into studying for my quant exam, so I took my yoga mat out of my locker and went to the front(?) of the K school building. I always walk into the doors by the street, so I forget that the school is on a stunning location in front of the Charles River. I found a nice patch of grass and practiced for almost 90 minutes. It was a divin way to unwind after an exam. The weather was perfect, and I felt great. When I was walking back inside with my mat I ran into Tv - the guy from the Israeli military. He asked me about my yoga mat. Yet another surprise from him - his mother teaches yoga and has been teaching since the 70's. He explained all of this with such calm and awe for his mother. Meanwhile, Lebanon is getting attacked and my existence feels surreal.

Adult Fun

Wow, I felt like an adult, rather than a grown-up Friday night. The term "grown-up" seems to be the complete opposite of what it is. I never used that word until I had kids. Maybe a grown-up is more of a parental unit than an adult - an adult is a person over 18, perhaps 21, who has no responsibilities over children. Ok, that's just my definition.

Anyway, Chris generously agreed to watch the kids while I went out to a K school student organized dinner. K, who is a leading politician in Thailand and will probably become Finance Minister after the upcoming elections, organized an outing at a Thai restaurant. It was so much fun getting dressed up and going out with a girlfriend - P. She picked me up, drove us to the Central Square T-stop, and we took the T into Boston. Urban chic - maybe that's who I felt, instead of adult. When we arrived at the restaurant it was already packed with about 50 other students, and more started pouring in. T, a Dutch diplomat, bought me a drink (mojito), and I reveled in the kidless conversation and environment, though T and I did chat briefly about the three, yes, three cribs that he had to put together that week-end for the impending arrival of his wife, toddler and twin babies. We soon sat down to very yummy Thai food. In the e-mail invite that K had sent out, he said that yes, he had confirmed from that this place was, indeed, the "best" Thai food in Boston. Out here, businesses seem to promote themselves with some media proclamation that it is the "best of". Anyway, it was damned good food, and I ordered another drink. I was also sitting next to M, who like T is also in my quant class, and he had very funny travel stories to tell. Again, the non-kid conversation was so refreshing. And the prix fixe food kept coming. K stood up to make a toast, and we were all very jovial and thankful and everyone shoutedd his name. He jokingly said it was too bad that we couldn't vote for him. Then, three people who had birthdays were honored.

Soon after, the dinner broke up, but the good conversation continued. Many people eventually left, but about a dozen of us chatted in front of the restaurant. Folks wanted to go out dancing. I was totally game. Then P said she wanted to leave right away. I certainly had the choice to stay and find my own way home, but I knew that Kalian's 5am wakeup would come back to bite me, so I regretfully decided to leave with P. As usual, I second guessed my decision as we were walking, but I ended up having a great time walking on a nice summer night through Boston common and then down Charles(?) street toward the T.

Indeed, when K woke me at 4am I knew that I was back being a grown-up mama again.

Go Away I don't Need you

That's it I'm quitting school.

Liam just woke up with a bad dream or night terror. It's always tough to tell which one. Chris went in to console him. We had already moved into our bedroom because Kalian has been up coughing and kept waking up Liam.

He wouldn't stop crying, so I came in because sometimes in the past I've often found that he will calm down with me - not just because I'm his Mama but because it seems to calm him down to have different energy trying to sooth him. But Liam didn't want Chris to go away tonight, so we both were lying down with him. I started telling him a story, which often calms him down, and it did, but as I was getting to the end of the story, Liam said, "No, it's Daddy's turn to tell the story." He started crying, and said, "Go away Mommy, I don't need you! I need Daddy."

That's it. My kids don't need me anymore. My heart is broken, and I feel terrible. I feel like I've been replaced. I am not often present enough with them even when I'm with them. At least when I used to spend so much more time with them as a work-at-home mom, I was a steady presence in their lives. Now, I struggle with feelings sometimes as Liam wants me to build one more thing out of legos that I'd really rather be at school or doing something else than hanging with them. This admission is terrifying now that I'm not with them as much anymore. It's not always the case, but that's the tough part about working all day at school and then having to be "on" at home. I have a feeling this year that I'm going to continue to "give" Chris "time off" but that any time off that I want will be with the kids.

No wonder Liam feels that way, despite any stages he might be going through right now - he can probably detect my disconnection and lack of focus with him. Ah, it's so easy just to beat myself up when I "should" be honoring Chris' connections with the kids.

I guess that's why i'm the accidental mom. When I was growing up or throughout my 20's, I never really wanted to be a mother - I was afraid that I'd lose my independence. A good friend told me that those intense times of sleepless nights were small on the large scale of parenting, and that pushed me over the edge and helped Chris and me get married since kids was a sticking point.. She was right, but why on earth did I decide to go to school during this "intense" stage? Ah, insanity.

Hahvad Privilege

I went to a K school session they had organized for students with kids. They had invited the superintendant of the Cambridge Public Schools to speak and to give info about the schools. When I saw the flyer for this event, I thought how amazing it is that s/he (turned out to be a he) would take the time to do this in his busy schedule. Would he go speak for more grassroots institutions? Perhaps.

There were maybe 10 -15 families in attendance. Not a huge audience. The PR dude for the school system was also there. When I arrived, I asked him about special education services for Liam. He said that rather than go through the standard channels, I should go straight to the top to the Director of Special Education. Then, during the session, a lot of families had questions to the Sup about their interaction with what I would call the school's triage station - their family resource center. They had all been told that after their children (most of whom are international) are tested, the school will place them in an appropriate school. However, the Sup responded that of course, it's the family's choice which school their children attend. I wonder if he said that because he was talking to Harvard families.

Right afterwards, I called the Director of Special Ed. He told me, as well, to send Liam's IEP directly to him and he would help us out personally. Great for us, but does everone get this treatment?

Moms and/or Students

Right before I left school tonight, I stopped to chat with a student from Vietnam. Her 2 year old is staying in Vietnam this year while she's at the K school on a Fulbright. When I first talked to her about it, she was almost casual about it - that it's only a year, that she's with family, etc. etc. But tonight, she unveiled those personally consoling remarks to reveal how painful it is for her. When I mentioned video phone calls that we had started doing with Liam's friends, she said that when her husband was going to set that up for her when he came to visit - but not her daughter - the flight was too long and expensive for her. Tears welled up in her eyes and she said she would give anything just to give her toddler a big hug.

About an hour before this I had talked to Chris on the phone, and when Kalian learned that I was on the other end, she started crying out for me and making the ama sign. It broke my heart. My talking on the phone with her only made it worse because my voice was there but not my nurturing body. For me, though, it was only a few hours before I'd be home. That kind of distance is both unimaginable but also terribly understandable.

There are more women here who have had to leave their children to study here. The more I've thought about it I've realized that it's less abandonment and more the result of the unequal status of women. Another woman, an American, has a three year old son, who is staying back in Nevada with her husband, who wouldn't leave his job or look for one here. Another woman's 14 year old son will be joining her in a few weeks for the year, but only because her husband as well could not (would not?) leave his job. Plus, she said, as she eyed Chris over lunch (who was here with the kids after another K school family outing - to the Discovery Museum - Chris and the military wives), her husband would never watch her son by himself. He doesn't know what to do and always gets help. On the other hand, there's another woman from Singapore who brought both her husband and her 2 year old here. Her daughter is in daycare during the day, and since her husband's fellowship at MIT is "busier" as she said, she is the one who has had to miss class when she's been sick, stays up with her, etc.

I don't know of any men (yet, at least) in this program whose wives didn't leave their jobs to come here . Though I have the youngest children of any woman in this program, I also seem to have the most support. So when people comment that they don't know how they do it, I just tell them I have a wife. Dinner cooked (and so delicious - Chris is cooking up a storm) when I get home, getting to see my kids when Chris stops by with them.

Today at lunch, when Chris was here with the kids, I also met with a research assistant who responded to my ad on the ksg web site for babysitting. She seemed nice and Liam seemed to connect with her, but we miss our community, especially Mickey, in terms of able to share the childcare load and do trades.

I also felt so lucky having my kids here tonight and for Chris to have cooked a yummy meal, cleaned it up, and then after I put Kalian to bed, Liam and I dug into the 10pound box of blueberries boston organics brought us and made blueberry corn muffins. Although it broke up the monotony, I realized how lucky I really am to be able to do anything with my kids, baking or building yet one more vehicle that Liam is obsessed with - they're here and not somewhere else. I can be both a student and a mom and not be forced to choose.

George Washington Wears Diapers

Yesterday, I was sitting in a lecture on the U.S. Political System by Professor and Political Strategist David King. It was a session designed for the International students but Amerikans were also encouraged to come for an entertaining section on the formation of our Republic. I was enthralled with King's take on the founders' more libertarian framing, as well as the resulting 511,000 elected officials in our country, when I felt my cell phone buzz.

It was Chris. Should I stay or go? I decided to respond. What if Kalian had bumped her head or Liam had really hurt himself?

"Where are the wipes?" asked Chris when I called back. My first internal reaction was, you got me out of this lecture for the quest of a material to wipe our kids' bums? But them I laughed. I totally understood the urgency in his voice. When you're trying to change a messy diaper for one kid and the other kid just doo-doo'd all over the floor, it is, indeed, cataclysmic. But I wasn't laughing at him, but rather myself. When Chris was working full-time and I was mostly home with the kids, it was more often than not that Chris received a desperate phone call from me. "I'm having a rotte day, could you come home early?" So I totally understood when I offered to pick up some wipes on the way home when Chris said, "No, please just come straight home." Yep, it's luxurious to go solo shopping for diaper supplies when you're a parent.

Yet I also feel like I'm in such a different world right now. Part of me was actually irritated with his call. The role reversal is still sinking in.

A few months ago when we were still in the Bay Area, some friends had us over for a farewell dinner. We were having a great time. Then, Chris said that he was charting new territory in our family by watching both kids at the same time and full-time. Chris had stayed home for three months after Kalian's birth. When he returned to work, Liam started preschool part-time. So, in his definition, I had never done what he was about to embark on in Cambridge. However, given that I had birthed both of our children and stayed home with them for the last 4 years, I was furious. We started arguing in front of our friends. I later apologized to them because Chris and I just couldn't let up. Ultimately, though, I felt dissed. I think I just wanted him to honor all that I had done for our children and our family, and it felt like he was making it out that he was doing something incredibly noble. Of course, he is doing something incredibly noble, but this just brings up so many issues for me...

-Why is it that a man taking care of kids is seen as so special and wonderful and unique but a mother doing it is expected and not worthy of applause (see previous posting).

-Gosh, I took the kids to a music together class this morning while Chris went to the gym. We didn't have classes, and boy, was it hard to get both kidlets out of the house. Yes, it is incredible what he's doing.

-He has no community here to support him - friends to call on for support. I did have that.

-Why do we even have to compare who's doing more or less? We are both workin' hard at this parenting thing.

-And because lists are always best with an odd number (except for 10) - Chris is definitely the odd "man" out at the K school family outings - it's him and all of the military wives. Chew on that one.

I'm a great capitalist

Well, I didn't do so hot on my calculus exam, but apparently I'm now a student expert of the free market. Unlike the cheerleading note by my quant instructor, my econ instructor whispered into my ear, as she was handing out the graded mid-terms, "You got the best grade in the class." Was I proud of myself? Yes. Should I have been? I guess so. What does this mean? That I can manipulate meaningless graphs and equations that pretend that unfettered capitalism is really the best system out there?

Before I got my test back (I swear) - our instructor was growing on me. I was so upset at her understated rightwing statements the first few days that I was plotting how to change instructors and classes. But what could I have said? Excuse me, Frank, but can I get a socialist to teach my econ class? I guess I'm liking her more and more for a few reasons. First, think I'd rather have someone who is pretty much out there with her beliefs in the free market and what she's teaching then a liberal apologist who says the free market is ok, as long as we provide some tweaks to the system. Also, she is so helpful with being there for studio lab, answering e-mail questions til late in the night. Finally, she does teach the stuff pretty well.

That said, I am going to try to track down a radical economist if I can find one at Tufts, Harvard or MIT - I know, good luck to me.

From Hezbolah to Madonna

Well, it's Sunday night, and it feels so good to have had a relatively relaxing two days. Whodathunk?

Friday afternoon after getting back that diastrous quant exam, I took my econ exam and felt like I aced it. I then had a nice lunch with Chip (whom I mentioned earlier is also an Ashtangi and friend of Tim Miller's). I then went to blog a bit before heading out to our last "Globalization" lecture. I was a little squeamish after the discussion the day before. But today, Mandell outlined major turmoil - i.e. "terrorism" that defines many of the conflicts in the global world, as well as outlining causes of conflict. It was definitely slightly to the left, but made some pretty major assumptions - that "terrorism" only applied to certain people in the world - not the U.S. who has killed countless Iraqi civlians, etc. etc. - He also, I don't think, took into account the major power shifts because of land and natural resource appropriation by the western nations, namely the U.S. Nonetheless, it was an intriguing analysis. But then, the open mike. The dreaded open mike.

I hadn't said anything the day before because of the narrow topic. Friday's question to the mid-career students was divided by American and non-American or "International" - For the international students, whom he had go first, he asked them what they would say to Americans about American intervention overseas (ok, it wasn't as negative as that) - and what Americans would say to International students about "our" role abroad. Except for a student from Trinidad Tobago, most folks were pretty generous with U.S. foreign policy - i.e. communicate more with us when you come. An Israeli woman was adamant that noone else was helping out, and the U.S. was very generous with their assistance. When it was the Americans turn, I decided I had to speak up. I'm not sure why. The military dudes gave their typical gung ho comments, as did other Americans.

When I took the mike at my turn, I suddenly felt very nervous and confused about what to say, but I did mention that I was from the country of California (which got a good laugh) I referred back to Native Americans, slavery and then U.S. intervention at the turn of the century - Mandell, who has encouraged brevity and focused, asked me to do so, I then mentioned the U.S. claiming democracy but then propping up undemocratic regimes and even ousting democratically elected governments. So then, he said, thinking I would deny it, that the U.S. role is hypocrasy. Yes, I said and everyone laughed. Then, to respond to Mandell pressing me to say what I would say to the International students, I said that I wanted to dialogue with them since U.S. intervention has stopped when U.S. ngos talk to international ngos - i.e. Central America. I'm not sure what else I said - something about solidarity, apartheid, etc.

I felt embarrassed - that I had been very inarticulate.

But Pamela congratulated me, and afterwards, quite a few progressive folks came up to me to thank me for speaking up - both international students and Americans. It was a great way to meet more like-minded students.

Then, a well-deserved Friday afternoon in the "quad" of the K school - beer and junk food and volleyball. It was great to munch and have a beer and connect with folks, especially a woman I hadn't had a chance to meet yet who had been doing great activist work and has a similar past. Then, Chris came with the kids. They loved running around and everyone was wowed by Kalian. Liam slept most of the time in the stroller. We actually went out to dinner - at a yummy Algerian cafe afterwards - though we were with the kids, it felt so adult. It was expensive, especially with the parking garage fee, but it was great to feel like a real person.

Saturday morning I had that relaxing time with the kids while Chris took some time off. I then went to another cafe to study and got most of my homework done. That felt so liberating. After I got home, we headed over to Joel and Lani's for dinner, which also felt very adult.

This morning, I went to an Ashtanga mysore class. That didn't feel so great. I hurt my back halfway through primary series. The worst part, though, was letting the teacher give me an adjustment in kurmasana that exacerbated the pain - when she offered to give me this adjustment on my mid-back, rather than tell her I know it wouldn't feel good, I not only let her do it, but I didn't even tell her it hurt. Why? It didn't feel like disempowerment but I guess it was on some level - strange for a yoga teacher, but alas, women still have so much to fight.

Then, we went to REI to take advantage of the taxfree holiday. Big mistake. The kids melted down. But then we went to the North End for an Italian festival. At first, we were frustrated b/c no food vendors were open and it looked pretty lame, but then I started talking to one of the guys in the Madonna of the ??? society, and he told me all about the procession - the "story" of their society - some deaf/dumb guy was able to speak/hear after finding a stone with madonna's image - in Sicily, so now they walk around the whole Italian section of Boston with her image and collect money for the church, as well as drink everywhere for 8 hours. Then, they gathered, and they had a marching band, which both Liam and Kalian loved. Afterwards, I had a nice chat with an Italian woman who barely spoke English, and said she had been in the U.S. for over 40 years. Pizza in the park and then home...to more news of bombings...more contradictions...

My Calculus Test is Half Full

I was very nervous walking into my Calculus/Quant class this morning. Our exam yesterday was so challenging. Very complicated word problems. I've been studying non-stop. I don't have time for much of anything else but studying and my kids these days. Chris and I get virtually no time together. Here's my sked this week:

-7.45-8.45 am Macroeconomics
-9.00 - 10.30 am - Calculus/Quant
-11.00 - 12.30 pm - Microeconomics
-12.30-1.45 pm- Lunch, catch up on e-mail, logistics, like printing out homework, readings, etc.
-2.00 - 3.30 pm- Globalization Lecture
-4.00 - 5.30 pm"Studio Lab" - where quant and econ teachers are available fore questions, etc. On monday, I used this time to take an excel class.
6.00 pm - 9.00 pm Dinner with family, playing with kids, putting them to bed.
9.00 - 12 midnight - Usually going out to a cafe to study, so I'm not as tempted to fall asleep as I am at home.

I also sometimes get sucked into intense political discussions with classmates - Friday's was the role of the media in the U.S. - duh, it's my main topic of interest, but I managed to pull myself away but still didn't have much time to print out my homework.

Anyway, Thursday night, I went to the 1369 cafe in Inman square to study. OK, I've been pretty naive when I drink soy chai occasionally in the morning, but another, duh, realization - it has caffeine - surprise, surprise, I wasn't able to fall asleep til way after 1 am.

I guess I'm avoiding the main point of this blog entry. So I walk into my Calc/Quant class and Maria is handing out the tests. When I look at mine, I first see a note from her, "Bear with me! You are doing a great job...you work hard, and you are very positive! This is the right way! You just need practice! Thank you for all your efforts!" Too many exclamation points to see that I have passed. See, the grades don't count during the summer, and noone else at Harvard will ever see the grades, but my heart dropped into my stomache, and then I see the big "50%" - I haven't gotten a grade this low since 7th grade biology when I realized that in junior high I actually needed to study. My eyes started to well up with tears. I felt terrible. I was so embarrassed that I covered up my grade from the guy next to me. However, I couldn't help but peek at his grade - 100% - what? So what if he has been the Ceo and President from a major bank in South Korea and all of our problems are about profit maximization and bank interest calculations. So what that I've been a mom for 4 yerars and haven't done more than count diapers. I still need to be perfect! Ah, but then I saw my South Korean classmate's Tom and Jerry folder that he bought for class, had a little laugh and realized that I could see the glass - the exactly 50% half glass- half full - I got half of these hard questions right! Right on! Ok, enough with the exclamation points already!

I have a wife

Mickey summed it up. I have a wife.

I come home. Dinner is on the table. The shopping and laundry somehow get done, and I get to do work that intellectually fulfills me. No wonder men rule the world. They have the time to do it.

I worry, though, that my naturally controlling tendancies (it's easier to admit this that than to have someone else accuse me of it) are coming out in even uglier ways. Right now I feel so happy and thankful toward Chris for making dinner and taking care of the household management, but I still want to control the things that I'm no longer doing. ..."Only buy organic food"..."So what if she's pooping and peeing on the floor again after being mostly potty trained - I don't want her to lose all of the work we've (read "I've") done so far"..."don't tell Liam not to touch Kalian, just to touch her more gently...." The list is endless. Of course, we've had these issues before, but now I feel so distant from them.

I have a mom friend who works 4 full time days and then spends Friday, Saturday and Sunday home with her kids. I remember her telling me that she spends that long week-end reacquainting herself with her kids and getting to know them again. I heard her but couldn't understand. Until now.

Today, we were eating outside in front of the Paul Revere statue. I had Kalian on my lap, trying to feed her. I then realized I just needed to put her in the stroller to make it easier on both of us. Chris made a comment about how I've forgotten how to do things now that I'm not with them all of the time. It was true and sad. All of those techniques you figure out as a parent - getting both sleepy kids out of the car, juggling making dinner with two hungry kids, etc....are so experiential and even though it's been less than a month, I don't feel like I still have that knack.

Chris had such a rough day on Friday and a few other days during the week that I offered to "give" him Saturday morning off. I think he had a good time going to the gym and then walked out to Harvard Square for coffee and relaxing. I was so happy that he had this time, but I also wasn't quite sure what to do with the kids for four hours. I asked Liam what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go to the hardware store. In Berkeley, after I picked him up from preschool, I would often drive by Truitt and White lumber yard, so he could watch the forklifts picking up wood, sheetrock, etc. He loved it, and Kalian was always happy to be outside. So I searched online for a lumber yard around here, but then Liam didn't seem to really want to go anywhere. He just wanted to play here at home.

When I was a work-at-home mom, it was hard for me to be home all morning into the early afternoon with especially both kids I'd go stir crazy. Well, I thought, I'm out all day, and Kalian needs to nap, so I'm happy just to stay here and play. But it was also strange not to have the automatic routine or community to go and do something. Yes, I know where a few local parks and the library are, and my kids are always up for a walk up to a cafe, but the amount of energy it takes just to get the kids out of the house just didn't seem worth it. We had a good time, and thank god I have a wife.

Cycle of Life

Milestones.

My dad is struck yet again with major illness. He has the shingles, which can be brutal, especially among older folks. And he has skin cancer.

Kalian started doing sign language! Right now she signs for ama - breastfeeding - and for "more". She also has 10 teeth!

Liam is Mr. independent with the potty (at least #1) and can ride his running bike.

I'm in grad school.

Chris is a stay at home dad.

I feel so connected to my immediate (I guess nuclear) family by being here without other close friends and family, whom I do miss terribly. At the same time, I also feel so disconnected to my kids now that I'm not with them all day long. I don't want to miss anything. It's so strange to only spend an hour or two some days with Kalian. It feels unnatural. But I'm also so happy and overall so fulfilled.

Islamic Facism

I was looking forward to today's Globalization seminar. The first class, Mandell showed what he called an "over the top" documentary - global village/global pillage - but leftist nonetheless. On Tuesday, he presented a compelling argument of how Web 2.0 - the more participatory interconnective-ness of the Internet is shaping our global world and how people, communities, gov't and businesses interact. Today's class was supposed to be focused on the causes of global conflict.

Instead, he focused on two words in Bush's statements today after the capture of the suspected transatlantic bombers - facist islam. Or was it Islamic facism? Am I even spelling it correctly? Anyway, we spent the entire 90 minutes listening to comments from the 200 or so folks in the room about those two words and what it means for globalization. It could have been fascinating to frame today's events in his presentation, but it really felt like people were just expressing their viewpoint, and I just didn't see any opportunity for real dialogue. Plus, I'm cynical about changing anyone's mind at this institution - not very radical of me, but the Israeli and U.S. military reps said predicatable quips, as did folks critical of Bush, but there wasn't much analysis in the discussion. A brother from Ethiopia, though, did make a pithy remark that I loved: G. Bush could also be considered a fascist.

I didn't say anything. I keep vascillating between being really out there with my politics and keeping quiet to focus my energy on how to effect political change in the long run rather than spin wheels with the folks here. There are a few lefties, and I want to search them out, along with other political activism here on campus, hopefully in the fall.

Capitalism and Calculus

Ah, liberation of all freedom loving people: free market, equilibrium, social surplus, consumer surplus, efficiency, profit.
Ah, evildoers: market distortion, government intervention, deadweight loss, inefficiency, tax.

What sounds better? Never thought I'd be interested in linguistics but I'm overwhelmed by the insidious inculcation of capitalism into every nook and cranny of this school. The obvious culprits are macroeconomics and microeconomics, possibly even our "globalization" class, but our case discussion class and even calculus, of all things, is geared toward profit maximization, i.e. screwing as many people as possible to make as much money as possible. Absolutely no alternatives are presented, not that I should be surprised or shocked or anything, but the incredible assumption blows me away. I'm curious what these types of schools looked like as they were formulating inthe 60's and 70's when there were more than ahandful of socialist governments around.

Trivial Struggles

Yes, my life is full of real challenges, not to be dismissed, but as I struggle with my daily existence, in which I have plenty to eat and am safe from bombs, famine, and other forms of oppression, I wonder what Third World moms would say to my blog and my rants. Get real problems? You think you got it bad? This is a dangerous place....comparing issues across borders, but I can't help but contemplate other women's experiences after going to a class today on globalization.

It was a very disjointed yet intriguing discussion. The prof outlined yesterday the various views on the free trade component of globalization. Today, he started with the concept of Web 2.0 and how we are all more connected and more of a community via the web - and what policy implications that has. He then digressed (imho) into how this affects our resumes but then wrapped it up with a global warming discussion - that we need a globalized effort to address this grave problem.

So, no, we didn't get into the issues of women - in fact, I'm guessing that this issue won't come up much at all at the K school, but as I am faced with the globalization question and discuss very worldwide political and economic issues in classes and with other students, I'm reminded of my international experience around the world in various Third World countries, as well as women in the Black Belt South. These policy discussions definitely seem quite ridiculous in light of the lack of participation they and all working class folks have in these discussions, despite the K school's "deliberative democracy" buzzwords.

Ah, back to my triviality....felt stupid asking the author of our calculus book basic math questions, including how to use my calculator (albeit scientific) today, as well as a session with Maria - I can't think on my feet very well. But I want to beat myself up even more for beating myself up in front of these two brilliant, sweet supportive women. Ah, the cycle of bourgeoise women oppression never ends....

Monday Monday

My day consisted of a macro-economics class describing the wonders of the free market, calculus class nalyzing profit maximization with second derivatives, microeconomics class attacking taxation, lunch while debating the former Guatemala state dept. official on Cuban economic policy, doing my calculus homework (so I had to skip the globalization lecture), and then an excel workshop on more profit maximization functions. Ah, a day in the life of a cog in the capitalist wheel of education at the K school. It's quite stunning, really, that the whole summer program has as its underpinning the fundamentals of market capitalism. I'm both fascinated with learning the nuts and bolts of this oppressive system, as well as repulsed with the infrastructure and assumptions at school.

Chris and I continue to try and tweak our schedule...mostly trying to figure out our individual work out times. Chris had wanted to go to the gym this morning, but I had this dreadfully early macro econ class this morning at 7.45, and I was worried that this would mean Chris would have to leave at 5.30, and I would be awake again super early with Kalian- and struggle to stay awake in class. Chris graciously agreed to work out tonight. Of course, Kalian didn't wake up til 7am this morning, and I barely made it to class.

Got a very sweet e-mail from Stacy today about how quality time with your kids is just being there for them. It made me very weepy. I miss my community. Liam misses everyone and wanted Eliana to come over and play today.

I do like Mondays, though, when I'm doing what makes me happy.

A day at the Beach

Yesterday, I (mostly) took the day off and we all went to the beach. Fortunately, Betsy, a woman in our program, suggested a lovely beach with no fast food or high rises, let alone any development - Crane Beach. Was it relaxing? Nah. Was it fun? Mostly. How'd it feel? Besides the sun burn? Overall, great to hang with the family outside my school realm, though a tad stressful as I kept thinking about all of the homework I needed to do.

I ran into Lesley, the summer program director, there. Of course, that only added to my anxiety over not spending that time studying. I consistently tend to analyze each situation - could I have done better? Could I have been more efficient with my time? Made better decisions? Though I have been definitely happier settling into a piece of advice from Paula. Make the best decision at the time 'cuz there ain't no perfect decision.

The kids had a blast, and it was nice to just tool around Ipswich, though once again, we had lousy luck with going out to eat. Our choices in our budget were pizza, pizza or did I mention pizza? I wasn't planning on bringing any work, but as I was walking out of the house for the beach, I saw a package on the porch - a used economics book I had ordered for my class. I threw it in the car. After dinner in Ipswich, it was about 6pm, and Chris had suggested staying there until 7pm since Liam hadn't napped - that way if they fell asleep in the car, it'd be ok since it was bedtime. Hmmm...an hour to kill? Did I chill out with my family? Nope, I proposed Chris take the kids and I sat in the car to read my econ book. He understandably wasn't thrilled with the idea, but it made me feel a little more grounded, of all things. When we got home, we put the kids straight to bed, and I studied for another hour and then Chris and I settled in to watch "Bee Season" - we hadn't watched a movie since we arrived.

Today, I had wanted to go to the Mysore yoga class at the Back Bay yoga studio, where I've been practicing, but I was worried that by the time I got home around 9.30 or 10, that it'd be late morning by the time I started to study - I've been having a really difficult time focusing on my quant/calculus work at night or when I'm tired - and I'm simply freshest in the morning, but I can rarely get to my homework til late at night - and it's incredibly challenging. Anyway, I ended up just practicing at home - on our deck/porch.

Yoga teachers often talk about "working your edge" in yoga poses - i.e. don't go beyond your edge where you can hurt yourself or over due it. Likewise, if you never even approach your limit, you're not challenging your mind, breath or body. I feel like my Calculus class is just at my edge - any more and I would be utterly and completely lost. Unfortunately, though, I end up taking hours and hours to do my homework 'cuz it's so challenging.

Had fun tonight playing with Liam - we pretended that our car kept breaking down and we had to jack up our car. Everything became a jack. It was just as fun as our day at the beach.

Detachment Parenting

It fee;s tough to parent when I'm not around my kids all day.

Not that I was an uber mom before going to school full-time, but in some ways it was so much easier to be part of their lives all day than in the evenings when my time with them feels so contrived. I come home from school, we eat dinner, play with the kids for awhile, then put Kalian to bed. Then after that I've been having a tough time keeping both Liam and me engaged til it's his bedtime. Since I haven't seen them all day, I want to spend time with him in the evenings, but I'm so exhausted, and I'm just not the type of parent who can sit and play legos with liam for longer than, say, 10 minutes. I know that's so pathetic, but I'm much happier when I'm doing some type of project that includes him (gardening, cooking, etc.). It's still an adjustment to do this routine. I don't know how working-outside-the home parents do it. Plus, I have so much homework to do that when I try to put Liam to sleep, I invariably fall asleep myself.

And that's exactly what I almost did in my quant class this morning. I stayed up late trying (yes, trying) to do my calculus homework, and then Kalian decided to wake up this morning at 4 am and never went back to sleep, and then Chris went to the gym around 5.30, so I had a pretty long morning. I want to be the type of mom who can whip up a fun project that engages and educates the kids, but I felt happy to have fed them breakfast this morning for 3 hours. Yawn! I have been evaluating the benefits of caffeine and fantasized about going to get at least a soy chai during class.

But during our "coffee break" this morning, I stuck with tea. Every day, there is tea, coffee and fruit set out for us. This whole summer program is so nurturing. They feed us, give us our schedule, hold our hands with totally available professors and give lots of touchie feelie events and vibes. I love it - I love not having to be the mom and having someone else coordinating my life for me. During break, I sat down with most of my calc class, and then a nice woman from Ireland sat down and introduced herself. She was very sweet, but in so many words, implied that it's so much easier for Americans to get into this program - uh, what's your point? But we did have a nice rap about how few people of color are in the program.

Econ class was another rah rah for the wonders of the free market. Our sweet instructor keeps creeping in her libertarian views. We were discussing the concept of producer and consumer surplus - when added equals social surplus - because all transactions, she said, are voluntary. "Noone's holding a gun to your head to buy anthing." Even insulin, marc asked? "Yes, she said." That is such a frightening concept. No, guns aren't necessarily held to our heads, but if I don't buy my kids food, I would have social services at my door. People have to buy certain goods to survive. Shea also claimed that when there is a tax that "losers lose more than winners win. It's not my job to say whether a tax is good or bad. That's your job as policy makers. It's my job to teach you principles." But when Margot asked, "Is every economist a libertarian?" Jodi laughed as if to indicate that she was but added, "Not exactly."

After class I had a nice lunch with Pamela and a few other fun folks, and then Eric Savage sat down - turns out he went to Duke and grew up a few blocks from our house in Toledo. When we invariably started talking about Duke baseketball, he mentioned that he just got back from a Duke basketball camp - a gift from his wife. When I asked him how much it was, $10,000? He said, uh, yeah...

Then we had a required sessionw ith the whole class based on this harvard business review article "managing oneself" - it was very corporate-speak. Didn't resonate with me, but during the session, FH kept referring to it as he implored us to figure out what we want to be able to say on June 8, 2007, the day after we graduate, about what we accomplished during this year - it was a very goal setting, interactive session. Nice to reflect, but I don't know why I found it so annoying.

I then walked up to Porter Square with Pamela to take a yoga class - baptiste's studio - xtra sweaty class and then walked all the way home. I was exhausted and a little late. I started to feel really bad about going to yoga instead of coming home, spending time with the kids, adn relieving Chris. Sure enough, when I came home, Chris (mostly jokingly) commented about how I would never have been ok with him coming home 2 hours late after having watched the kids for 7 days straight. He was right, but he did "approve" of the time this morning. We're still trying to figure out how to make all of this work, including avoiding tag team parenting. But my big concern right now with my kids is how to engage them at night - or is my question what to do with them so I don't feel so guilty - checking something online tonight during my time with Liam made me feel pretty lousy. Ah, more guilt, so maybe I'm not a completely detached parent...

Liam Pulls His Pants Down in the Forum

Today, Chris, Liam, Kalian and I walked to school together because Chris was taking the kids to the aquarium with other ksg parents - read "moms" and kids. I thought it would be nice to all walk together, but I was feeling stressed for time, and Chris tripped while carrying Kalian in the backpack and hurt his hand. We were both kind of cranky on the beautiful yet scorching hot walk across Harvard Yard.

When we arrived, I said my good-byes and hurried off to Quant class. A few minutes after the class started, I saw/heard/felt my cell phone buzzing. I had it set to vibrate. It was Chris. Should I ignore it? Go outside to answer it? I decided to turn off the phone. Feeling guilty in case something terrible happened to the kids, I went outside to call Chris back. From where I stood I could look out at the courtyard and see the stroller but not the kids. Did something happen?

When Chris answered the phone he said he had forgotten to bring cash and was I still around. Harupmph. How dare he interrupt me for that. I did have a wad of cash - but back in the classroom. Should I go back into the class, get my purse, find Chris, give him the money, deal with the kids, especially Kalian, wanting me again, and miss some new second derivative function Maria was introducing that was probably way over my head? "Borrow some money," I said and went back into class. Glad I did.

Another challenging class that really works my mommy brain. During my econ class, we were talking about price ceilings (i.e. rent control) and price floors (i.e. minimum wages). Blessed Jod'i reiterated how these "government interventions" which inherently in the terminology makes it sound like a bad thing - how dare the government interfere in the amazing free market...how they, well, screw up our economic system - she didn't use those words, but that was the thrust. Right after she said, "losers lose more than winners win" in reference to price ceilings/floors, she then added, "It's not my job to say whether they are good or bad. That's your job." Huh? One libertarian dude - forget his name - sweet guy yet an incredible libertarian ranted about this issue. Sigh. Fortunately, I have some sisters in the room - the mass superior court judge and juanita, the puerto rican activist.

Juanita and I had a nice talk, then I invited her to meet some folks for lunch - basically, a student had sent out a great article from John Pilger about the opportunities that Bolivians have with Morales as prez - there was a lot of backlash, lumping him in bed with true dictators - I had e-mailed the more left responders to meet me for lunch adjacent to the forum. The Forum is the simultaneously large yet intimate space for speakers, small meetings, large getherings, etc. That's where presidents and other world leaders speak. The school is very well organized, and it's nice to find various nooks and crannies to eat, study, blog, etc. Anyway, we were having a nice chat when I saw Chris and the kiddies return. I went to meet them and brought them up to meet some of the other students. It was nice to be able to breastfeed Kalian then since I feel like I'm still letting down in the late afternoon. Though it was in the midst of Pamela really trying to figure out why in the heck I'm here. I forgot for a moment...Then I remembered, just as Liam decided he did, indeed, need to go pee. So he pulled down his pants right then and there to go...

Calgon, Calgon

Take me away. I have a piercing headache, and my new mechanical pencils just died. Is that a sign that I should just go home and call it quits? I'm a little afraid of stepping outside since it's supposed to be 100 degrees out there. Hope the kids haven't melted today.

Yahoo for testing out of having to take quant and econ today - but it just made the start of my day later. Last night I wanted to start writing a paper that was due. Instead, I went into finish putting Liam to bed, so Chris could go grocery shopping, and I fell asleep with him. I woke up at 5am with Kalian. I then drove over to Back Bay (or is it the Back Bay) to go to a mysore class. It took me forever to find a parking space. The practice was fine, though since it's self-led, I kept re-evaluating whether or not I should do more poses or go back sooner so I could spend more time with the kids. As I was once again attempting "kapotasana" - the mother of all poses, so to speak, the very sweet but very young teacher came over (again in this pose) and asked me how far I usually get (i.e. can you usaually bend backwards while bearing weight on your shins and grab your ankles) - I told her I could 5 years ago, but after having two kids and a shoulder injury that I couldn't do it now. It was said all in fun, and she laughed, but once again I felt like I had to justify my inability to do something. In general, I'm worried that I'll exploit the existence of my children for excuses - sorry, professor, my toddler ate my homework.

I practiced for about an hour and then attempted to drive home. Even at 8am, the traffic was horrible, so I was out of the house for over 2 hours for such a short practice. Not quite worth the effort, given how much I feel the time crunch every day. When I got back, Chris was understandably frustrated over Liam unrelentlessly (is that a word?) pummeling his sister. Not sure how to do the positive or not so positive discipline on that one. I ate a quick breakfast and tried to hang out with the kids, but it didn't feel very "quality" like in the timing. Chris tried to nap in the kids room since that's the one air conditioned room in the apt. When he asked me what time my classes start, I reminded him that I didn't have any classes that afternoon but that I had to write a paper. I told him that I needed to take a shower and head out. He wanted to know why I needed to take a shower. I thought the comment was snarky, but he said it was b/c he was curious why I needed to take a shower to write a paper. Hmmm....why did I? I'm actually enjoying making myself presentable on a regular basis after doing the wham/sahm thing where showers were a 2x/week luxury. I guess I'm always trying to impress people a little too much or maybe I just want to take care of myself for once, and I have the opportunity. Well, I told him I did have a class later on. So, it's ok if I take a shower if I'm going to a class? Of course, after my shower, I had a tough time deciding what to wear. Given the weather, I chose shorts, but was the tank top to go with it too casual? I changed shirts a few times before settling on a sleeveless black top. Why do I care? Why do I think you'll care? I want to present this hip mama persona, somehow....

So when I got to the K school about 10am I sat down to write my paper - in about two hours, ate my lunch at a table full of army and biz school dudes. I guess I'm trying to get to know the enemy - of course, everyone is quite nice, though.

Then went to my writing class where we critiqued each others' papers. Good excercise, though the army guy from Florida, was very complimentary, except for calling the U.S. imperialist - though he was joking in his tone. My other critiquer was a woman from Reno, who is a journalist and left her 3 year old with her husband for a year. I feel guilty leaving my kids for 8 hours every day - it's hard to fathom that - but, of course, it also sounds incredibly appealing, too. After the class, they and another guy asked me if I wanted to go out for a beer? huh? I gotta do work and go home. What do you have to do, they asked?

It's hard out there for a mom

When I was doing community and labor organizing in North Carolina among black rural women, we were very conscious of the special challenges and triple exploitation that black, rural women mothers (maybe quadruple) faced in participating in organizing drives, such as going to meetings, etc.. Who had time? Well, I'm a long way from that type of oppression, but I'm understanding it more firsthand than theoretically. I just saw an e-mail in my inbox for a mid-career potluck this Thursday during dinner, I have to wonder if they realize that this is primetime for moms to spend time with their kids. I feel left out of that, though I also am not sure if I would have time to engage in that activity even if it was scheduled for the daytime or later at night.

Well, last night I had my first taste of what the school year will be like. The whole day was back to back classes. When I got home, Chris took off for the gym, and I played with the kids for a few minutes and then cooked dinner. Soon after, I needed to put Kalian to bed (who just wanted to stay up despite her being exhausted - she wanted to rock out with Liam by shaking her head to music - it's very adorable), then I played legos and a little guitar with Liam. When Chris got home at 7.30, I was exhausted. I just wanted to go to bed, but I had at least 4 hours of Calculus and Econ to do. So I dragged myself to the neighborhood cafe - 1369 - a great place to study, I thought. I bought myself a soy chai (iced - yahoo - it's so nice to walk around here at night in the warm, balmy evening) and sat down at a table to study, like the youngsters in the place. But loud Bjork was blaring. I manged to wake up enough to pour through my Calculus. Before I knew it the place was closing down, it was 10pm and I wasn't even done with the math. I bought myself a piece of chocolate cake to go and headed home.

I then hunkered down to do my econ. On the second day at the K school, the head of the quant/math program gave a great talk, during which she mentioned that if you're spending more than 1.5 hours per night to just close your book and go to sleep. Well, I couldn't sleep yet, but I did just stop on the quant and plowed ahead on the econ - I did the homework without doing any reading - though officially, the reading is "optional." Earlier yesterday, I sent an e-mail to Jodi, the instructor, apologizing for being snarky in one of my answers to an econ question about what would happen to the supply (or was it price) of jeeps if the auto workers union negotiated higher wages. I put forth what I thought were more labor-oriented answers, knowing the answer she wanted - that the price would increase. I said that more experienced workers, who are paid a higher wage, are more efficient....I also mentioned that these days there's no way the UAW would be able to get a wage increase without concessions, such as with health insurance, so the overall cost would be at most null. I then gave her the answer she wanted. Of course, her comments on this homework were that I didn't follow the rule (forget the name - some latin thing) - that you have to assume that everything else is equal.

This is why I'm having a frustrating time with econ - I remember the same feelings while an undergrad - since the premise in microeconomics is that everyone is selfish and people would work if they wanted to. Today, she pointed out how the supply of labor is affected by an individual deciding the opportunity cost of leisure v. work. Yeah, I'm deciding not to work outside the home for wages, as a mom that is, b/c I just want to sit at home eating bon bons - which was basically the analogy that Jodi made. Quite a few people commented about factors in the real world that affect that and other equations we were dealing with. She gave very bland responses, continuing to steer us toward our task at hand. So finally, I raised my hand and commented that I was having this problem with the positive (v. normative) analysis of econ - that the modeling that is presented as scientific can never be tested in the real world. She gave some vague response about getting to more of these details when we get to monopolies - huh? Then some corporate dude asked her about the gray area between macro and micro - and what defines a market. Again, she at least seemed open to the discussion but kept steering us back to the lesson - which I guess is her job - that of course, she is deciding to do because it makes economic sense for her on the labor supply curve.

I continued to be very challenged in calc today - it's fun to be pushing my limit in this way. I just don't think I can do the full-time mom thing anymore, though it's so tough to have to make decisions like this morning where I only practiced yoga for 20 minutes so I could spend more time with the kidlets. Liam did say goodbye to me today and that he misses me - on another shift - Kalian just cried for a moment before sucking her thumb - is she already getting used to my abandoning her every day?

Yesterday, there was a case discussion class - that is a class of almost 200 people discussing a poverty alleviating case in Mexico between, basically, an in-kind milk program for poor families or cash grants (with the requirement for schooling and health clinic visits). The point of the class was to introduce us to the case method. As we were discussing the economics and pros/cons of this case, the professor asked us to raise our hands if we agreed with the in-kind versus the cash grant program. For me, it was a false question - how about neither and that the issue/solution is much more structural. I also had another throwback to Duke and why my public policy major drove me crazy - all of the policies were incremental because one of the policy makers/decision making bodies needed to approve it and it wasn't practical to introduce a radical change b/c it would never pass through the legislative body (of mostly rich white men). Anyway, after the discussion, the professor asked us to give feedback and evaluate how the discussion went. A lawyer in the crowd asked if we would ever be called on cold to respond. My question was also procedural - or was it? I mentioned my frustration with policy classes at Duke (why did I need to mention Duke - to name drop? How do you name drop at Harvard?) when we discussed cases. Like the "Liconsa" one we were discussing, the debate seemed very narrow and how do you address the larger political issues to reframe the debate. He gave a so-so answer about how we need to politely ask the professor leading the discussion - he didn't use those words but that's how it felt....Then, the director, Frank Hartman, thanked me for my comments - as did a number of stuents afterwards, including Pamela in an e-mail. It feels good to have some support in a place where I sometimes question why I'm here.

This afternoon (I'm writing this in tidbits between classes /sessions when I don't have time to do much of anything) we then got together in small groups to discuss a city-wide corruption case in Bolivia for a follow-up class on cases tomorrow. I read the case and was just as frustrated and didn't feel like going to my small group, but felt like since I had signed up I didn't want to let down the other students. (which Hartman also put out - though do I care more about what other people think of me or about them?). But it was moderately interesting to go. First of all, I found that I had a fellow Ashtangi here - Chip from San Diego, who knows Tim Miller well. That made me feel some kinship - and then before the session I looked at the list of people in my group - all seemed pretty straight and conservative - which was mostly the case, but it was still interesting to get the perspective from an Indian government Tax official, as well as from Tom who is a self-prescribed Republican lawyer employee manager for the state's equivalent to the EPA. It was actually good to get everyone's perspective and to get my brain working on what I think about issues - including a moment of clarity on the case - of course, this mayor was elected in the first ever democratically elected race in Bolivia - this was Latin America in the 1980s and the U.S. government was encouraging elections to stem the tide of revolution happening. My initial comment was how the entire case is presented from an American perspective - the mayor is a K school graduate, who brings in a K school econ prof and then gets World Bank funds, and who worked for a mining company, which I'm sure has some foreign interests and the mayor has connections to the former military dictator - it was helpful to provide some context - at least I hope.

Gotta run to my financial aid meeting...