it's so easy going to school

ah, the stress of the morning rush...i try to sleep a few more winks after getting up at 3.45 am with Kalian...Chris got up with her at 6.30am...Liam wanting more ama and then wanting me to read a book to him. i need to get out of bed to make my 8.40 class. oh, but kalian comes in for a little more breastfeeding. then, i find my way out of bed scrounging for breakfast - ah, yummy quiche that chris made last night. but what to pack for lunch? i throw in a leftover yogurt container, 1/2 an apple, a few carrots, some walnuts and soy cheese.

i sit down to eat my quiche. "more water, mommy," "iwada" says kalian about my quiche. i give her half of mine. i finish mine. she throws hers on the floor. should i heat up some more for me? nope, no time 'cuz liam wants me to play firefighter with him. we go into the living room and roll up the fire house (some string) and put it into our firetruck (the couch) as we take off for a fire. we put out three fires before i have to jump in the shower - ah, morning decadence.

yesterday, kalian was crying for me while taking a shower with the door shut, so today i leave the door open. she senses i'm getting ready to leave, so she wants in - plus, she loves baths, she fusses until i see her step on the potty stool which has found its way next to the sink. she wants to turn on the water - she loves playing with water - so i do a dumb lazy parent thing - i move the stool in front of the sink, so she can play in the water. i get in the shower with the curtain half open so i can keep an eye on her. she does fall twice, fortunately not onto the toilet and cracking her head open. water wasting. oh, well, i got to take a shower and "watch" kalian while chris scrambles to get liam and himself ready to take him to preschool and then to work on his shift at co-op.

i try to get dressed but kalian sees my amas and wants more. i distract her. i let her suck on the toothpaste tube for a second while i get dressed and then revert to being a more "responsible" parent and actually find a way to take it away from her without her freaking out (giving her other appealing toys). i get dressed and find kalian eating toothpaste again. i take it out of her hand. hmmm..i wonder if kalian needs to go potty. oh, well, gotta get her dressed. i know chris wants me to stay to throw them in the car but i'll be late to class. i selfishly leave.

the 20 minute walk to class slowly melts my stress, though now i won't have time to print the paper that's do after my first class. oh, well, i walk into my quantitative methods and empirical statistics class - ah, utter relaxation.

The only student in the library

Well, it's 9:05 am on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I'm the only student in the Widener library - at least I was the only one standing outside in the brisk cold with the bell chiming across Harvard yard waiting for the stately library doors to open. Widener is the main Harvard library. It's a beautiful, museum like structure, and I'm now in the huge reading room with gorgeous arched ceilings with stained glass - probably over 10,000 square feet of space, and I'm the only student in here. Hmm...

I really wish I could be out with Chris, Liam and Kalian at the Malden parade - ok, maybe not standing out in the cold, but Liam was so sad I wasn't coming with them. It breaks my heart.

After my mellow study day on Wednesday, we got up on Thanksgiving day and drove out to Plymouth - yes, we went to Plymouth for Turkey day - though not to celebrate with the pilgrims but to mourn with the Native Americans. Every year since 1970, there is a Day of Mourning out on Plymouth rock. Unfortunately, this year was freezing cold with torrential horizontal rain. We found a cafe to hang out in before the event started, and then I actually dragged my kids out in this weather - and to call it inclement is an understatement. It's so hard for me to shift gears when I have my heart set on something. After a few minutes of Liam crying to go home, fortunately, one of the speakers said we were going to move over to a church. Yahoo. I've never been so excited to go to a church.

So we shlepped over to a large stone church that, yep, was the original Pilgrim's church - kind of ironic and I think the first time they've had to move the Day of Mourning inside. The kids were troopers during the speeches - unfortunately, they were not incredibly inspiring in and of themselves, and we couldn't stay until the speakers I wanted to hear - updates about Leonard Peltier, etc., but it was a good vibe to be around on this day. The kids were understandably melting down - Kalian fell asleep, but woke up violently with some clapping, so we headed back onto the sloshy roads to our friend Joel's parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner.

Fortunately, both kids napped in the car. We pulled up to their mansion in West Newton. We had a great time and it was really good to see Joel and Lani post weddding - and Joel's dad was really fun to talk to - he's a great lefty who watches Democracy Now religiously and even donates lots of money to them (and sits on the board of the local NPR station and is advocating more podcasting). However, they had such a lovely glass collection that it was definitely stressful to keep on top of the K train's destructo tendancies, but Joel helped out a lot, especially watching her love climbing up and down the stairs. And Joel got out these great old metal toys for the kids. They even had our pre-dinner cocktails/hors d'ouevres in the library - where there are fewer things for the kids to destroy.

Yesterday, I went to the library and had a great day, actually, researching my two main papers I need to write. I even went to 1369 in Central Square and met up with Sam, from MIT, which was really helpful. I can't believe he's 23 and is so savvy on all of this media stuff. I think it helps that he's grounded from his hometown in KY.

Well, in the midst of all of this I have a horrible chest cold and cough. I want so desperately to just chill out - I did need T'g day and the day before to do very little work. I need that decompression time, and I'm really worried about how we'll get through the next 6 weeks. Inhale. Exhale. Yeah, some yoga would be nice....

Well, someone just walked into the reading room. My spell has been broken. Back to work.

sick and tired

I'm amazed I was able to do anything today. I woke up with a splitting headache - after falling asleep with Liam last night at 8pm. Good thing I did since I have been up late studying for my quant exam which was yesterday.

Today, I went to co-op with Liam, Kalian and Chris. Liam got to go today, though apparently was being quite the elder agressor. Both Chris and I had told him that if he didn't "behave" he'd "have to go to preschool." uh, that was really silly of us - now he's going to think preschool is a punishment. Doh - chalk that up to yet another parenting faux-pas.

Chris worked at co-op yesterday AND today, so he didn't realize he had to bring a snack, so in a zombie mode, i walked over to the nearest grocery store and bought some cheese, bananas and a few necessities for us - though one of the staff at the store laughed when I asked about their selling wine - was thinking of bringing it for our Thanksgiving dinner at Joel's tomorrow. Oh, well, I vaguely knew this was a ballot or other some-such issue on the Mass. ballot - I feel kind of silly how out of this campaign I was, especially being at the kennedy school. the night of the election, i drove by the k school and saw all of the parties going on, but I had to drive by to stand in the rain for an hour waiting for a security guard I was going to interview - who never showed up....and when i was chatting with k the other day, a professor walked by and k said, "congrats" i asked him for what? and he said that he had managed webb's campaign. Who's that? oops.

i feel like all i can do these days is barely keep up with my schoolwork, attempt to apply to grad schools and try to see my family. this past week-end i thought i'd get to spend a lot of time with the kids since chris went to a conference, but he lined up such great childcare that it actually didn't feel like that much more time with them, especially since chris came home early sunday so i could go to a review session.

today, i walked over to a way cool cafe in davis square - diesel cafe to study then walked back to coop and we went to another great cafe for lunch ( i know life is rough, but when you're spending money you don't have....) - it had a great kids area and lots of organic fare - chris and i realized we had barely had any time to talk or together, let alone family time.

had lunch with pml yesterday, and she told me about the plymouth day of mourning - hopefully will check that out tomorrow morning. will be good to combine a family and political activity all in one!

i felt sad when i went to nln bw's house last thursday and everyone else had their partner's there (if they had one) - i really wished chris could have been there - life is feeling so hard right now - we're barely able to keep the family together, i just can't imagine life in grad school for two more years - i think liam would suffer and the lifestyle i would like to try to at least pretend to have - more political action, more meditating, more community building, alternative schooling for hte kids - i just can't imagine it with this crazy lifestyle, and i even have a fulltime wife, bless his heart.

weird also at nl bw's house - had a great time and he has an amazing house, but i got a parking ticket. the next day in class he offered to pay for it, but i thought that might be just a little too strange, especially since he agreed to write a letter of recommendation for me.

had a great interaction with my study group, especially while listening to white and nerdy...i'm just trying to play catchup with this blog. it's been so long.l...just orderd 5 pairs of boots online for myself in the hopes that one pair will fit 'cuz i just don't have time to go out and shop. ...thank god for zappos.

runnin' on Empty

Up til 2am last night typing up my interview notes/transcription for my qual class. Of course, Kalian woke me up about 4.30 this morning. When I walked in to my qual class (late b/c I was printing up my paper), the professor was reading someone else's fieldnotes to the class. Rather than enjoying her wonderful analysis, I found myself being jealous and angry (at? myself, the prof?) that I am not able to write that way or thought we were supposed to write that way. Is this really a narrative writing class? Which is what it made me feel like. Then, later in the class she analyzed my notes - where she pointed out, in a tactful way, that my strength was not in descriptive writing/awareness but in dialogue writing - oh, great, i can type up minutes. What kind of skill is that? Then, she later said while looking me in the eye that some people who are too analytical and aren't open enough to what's unfolding in front of them shouldn't do qualitative research but quantitative research. I feel like it was directed at me, especially since I am the only one in the room that wants to keep going and do this sort of work. She also indicated that it's surprising that a filmmaker is not able to observe well. Huh? Well, this has shattered everything I've been doing - working so hard on all of my perosnal statements. will she still write rec letters for me? I wonder. She was the one that encouraged me to apply to programs now. I'm so tired that I'm not feeling like I want to do it right now.

I had three classes back to back this morning and then just had lunch at a fancy rest. on the square (upstairs on the square i think) which was delic. but a complete work lunch, where i basically did my workshop shtick for two local filmmakers - one of whom is a mom in kalian's coop.

I'm exhausted. Just sat down at my laptop to work and got a long e-mail from Chris about lots of family stuff. I feel guilty and overwhelmed. I just don't think I can sustain all of this and finish everything.....

Mommy, I need you

...said Liam as I tried to leave today to go to the library and study. Then, he wanted to know if he could come with me. It broke my heart. He was originally mr. total attachment to me and then all of last year when I'd go to pick up him up at preschool, he'd say, "Mommy, go away." - partially, I think, b/c he wanted to stay and have snack. But the guilt right now with Chris' sense of humor (imitating sticking a knife in my chest and turning it) is making me question even more if I want to go to grad school next year. It's just clear that Liam needs a lot of support.

So I stayed awhile longer, gave him hugs and snuggles - which he usually isn't as into. Of course, this was after Kalian wanted to breastfeed, too. I then got him dressed 'cuz Chris was going to take them out shopping, and I was going to leave again, and Liam said (this is all repeatedly in a sweet, non-whiny voice), mommy, I want to go to the library and study with you. So tough! So then I tried to explain to him that the library I go to doesn't have any kids or any pictures in the book, and he would be really bored. It somehow sunk in, and he passively "let" me go...

I did manage to go to yoga this morning for the first time in a few weeks - at least to the studio. The teacher, Scott, whom I overall like, had a few assistants who yet again tried to get me to move my feet and I'm so arrogant and un-cooperative, that I asked, "Why?" Yet, again, a lame answer of so that I could put my heels down...maybe that's what I need - a little more grounding nad a little less ego and analyzing during the practice of how to let Scott and his assistant that I am a teacher with lots of experience....

My quant professor - the amazing woman who has written tons of books and math teaching conferences all over the world - had me over for tea yesterday so she could help me study - nothing like my own personal tutor - her rates are high, I'm sure, but so is my tuition! Talked to her about Liam's stuff, gender differences in math learning (she said chicks - my words not hers - learn better when they have a pictoral image)...

slow

Hmmm...perhaps I'm tired. I just practiced yoga - nice to run into Kyle and teach him a few poses - nice trade for his babysitting and nice to have the company.

I'm now sitting in the very sacred Widener library trying to figure out what to do. Of course, the big question is based on these stupid applications - and all of the work to get them to happen. I am just not very excited about any of the programs I'm applying to, so it's hard to get motivated. There's just not a perfect program, and I'm kind of depressed b/c today in NB's class we saw a DVD about a type of media research that's fascinating to me but is not being carried out any of the bay area schools - but is at amherst.

Then i feel bad b/c i'm sitting here at the library not really getting anything done - checking craigslist to see if I would be jazzed up about any job prospects in the bay area - the only thing that looked interesting was to be an seiu researcher - but of course they emphasize week-ends and long hours - uh, that's what I want to avoid.

100th post

Wow, I can't believe I've gotten here.

As I'm struggling with the larger contextual issues of writing personal statements to apply to doctoral programs, I'm reflecting on the topic of my research for my qualitative methods course - security guards and janitors organizing together at Harvard.

One of the students in my class did one of his participant observation fieldwork notes at the forum meeting the other night with the WTO secretary general speaking. Protesters chanted outside the event, and a few were inside. After a few protesters interrupted the speech, they were escorted out. However, they then took out protesters who hadn't said a thing but were in collusion or association with the outspoken protesters. Unbelievable (well, sort of).

The interesting twist is that the initial removal of protesters was done by Harvard security guards (later, the more"professional", plain clothes cops and other personnel were brought in) - and it was the same labor group supporting the security guards organizing that sent me an e-mail about the protest. Did security officer organizing student supporters get taken out of the event by these same security guards???

As I'm trying to write my statement for UC Davis...
I want to go to UC Davis because I want to take a long train ride every day. I want to go to UC Davis b/c it’s one of the few options out there. I want to go to UC Davis b/c I’m desperate. I don’t want to go to grad school. I want to stay home and bake cookies. I want to go to UC Davis to study with cool Marxists there. I want to go to UC Davis because Lori is there.