(too much?) stuff for Liam

One of my big tasks this summer has been figuring out how to address Liam's sensory/speech needs. After getting a ridiculous amount of criticism during graduation week of either exagerating Liam's problems or causing them by not being around enough, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if/how to start therapy this summer and other classes. My main realization was to really simplify our lives. So many classes, rushing around, etc. can overwhelm him and all of us, and I've realized that probably the reason why his speech is so fluid when he has a high fever is b/c his body's systems have to turn way down to fight an infection, so he is able to be much calmer. After calling lots of therapists, I've decided that it would be best to get that all started through the school system and focus our time and money on other avenues - specifically martial arts and a neurological therapy called Handle.

Handle has been good overall, because it focuses on massage and other ways to deal with the source of his issues, though I really question the copyrighted aspect of it. It's also forcing us to do these therapies with him every day. I also took him to a martial arts class, which he didn't want to go to. It was great - I called the teacher and asked him what he thought - he suggested bringing Liam in just to see the studio and to meet him, but that he didn't have to do anything - Liam loved it and has been a few times - but I have no idea how to keep this up during the school year. I really do worry about how to do martial arts and all of his other therapy while also trying to go to school full-time.

After Chris and I had a great meditation time last week, we decided that we really wanted to introduce the kids to meditation - we haven't figured out the form, except them witnessing us doing it, but it has felt good to look at all of these therapies out there and come "home" so to speak with what unites Chris and me - and what has been really great for our relationship - meditation - and how this calming effect hopefully will really help him. I think it also addresses a concrete way to deal with the whole values/moral teaching question that I know a lot of recovering Christians face in raising kids - there were a lot of great pieces of it - the ritual, the music, the reflection - though I want to avoid the shame, guilt, exclusionary, sexist, etc. aspects of it.

full-time mom

I continue to be stumped why I don't have as much motivation to blog as I did last year - I have much more time this summer, but I am just not as inspired. Maybe the contrasts with motherhood and my academic/Hahvad identity clashed so much that it gave me more fodder to write. I'm in such a supportive motherhood environment here - though it was interesting yesterday talking to a woman about to take the bar exam -we were discussing how corporate law dominates the exam/law school for her, and I relayed similar experiences at the K-school last year - and then, all of a sudden, I thought Liam might have to go poop. I paused and laughed at how that disconnect between motherhood and studenthood was so strong last year, and I have found myself grooving back into the mommy role so quickly. It's just been so long that I almost felt like I had to censure myself from saying, "poop."

I also think it's because I got so burnt out - I somehow kept up with so much last year, and now I'm allowing myself to be lazy - with blogging, returning e-mails, etc. Though I definitely feel like I'm over a hump - the first month back was kind of a mellow, partially b/c we didn't unpack our boxes as we considered moving in with some friends to make our lives more community-oriented. But now I feel like I only have a month left before school starts, and I'm starting to figure out what I can actually "accomplish" this summer - from organizing the house to getting Liam set up with therapy/classes to childcare for Kalian, not to mention starting the hefty reading list we were sent for my coursework this fall. But then I remember that what I really want to do is simply spend time with the kids.

We had a nice time today - we're having a "home" day - I'm trying to keep him home on Fridays from preschool to make Mickey's a little easier - that will be the one benefit of next year only having care mon-thurs. I actually did yoga while the kids played this morning - with only about 25 breaks in my practice to get playdough out, attach string as a powerline, get snacks, etc. etc. Then I finally started organizing their room. I really have this strong nesting instinct/responsibility I feel to do before this fall becomes totally insane. It's really nice to have a mellow day with the kids, especially in light of everthing happening in North Carolina - dad not well and H having her court hearing today.

to be a mother or not

well, not really to be a mother - but the question of how much to come out as a mother continues to haunt me. Get this - A sweet second year grad student e-mailed me to say that she was my "buddy" - she sent me some great info and from our e-mail exchange it was my turn to share some personal info. Should I say I'm a mom or not? Should I say so in this giant fellowship proposal or not? Berkeley's dean or some other bigwig has recently been very publicly advertising the university's family friendly policies, yet I still hesitate. I'm not embarrassed - that's not it - I'm afraid of being defined by it - not really from others - well, partially, but also I'm afraid that this is how I will define myself. I feel like I'm being very cautious not to post anything on the gradstudent e-list or anything else yet. I think it's b/c I tend to jump in with advice and a know-it-all attitude - I also tend to interrupt people in conversations, so I'm trying to mellow myself out on that front. Does all of this have anything to do with motherhood? It's part of the package, but how do I prevent it from being the whole package?

preschool hell part 2

I have been losing sleep and forgetting yoga poses over preschool for Kalian. It's so challenging trying to find a place that we feel good about, is nearby and has hours that work for us - we got locked out of a lot of preschools since we were out of the area last year and couldn't visit places. I visited one place recently that probably would have been fine, but I found the teacher to be a little too scattered and she clearly favored one cute kid over the others. It was also the opposite direction to where Liam and I are going to school, which was actually the main factor that nixed it.

We ended up going with a place that we like overall but doesn't have the greatest schedule, so now we need to find a sitter to pick Kalian up two days/week. Inhale. Exhale. Just trying to figure out everything that I want to do before the summer's up - hang out with the kids, get Kalian's care squared away, unpack (!), do some things around the house - oh, and write a national science foundation proposal for three years of funding for me - oh, the fantasy. Would money really solve all of these problems???

preschool hell

Argh! Trying to get Kalian in a preschool for the fall is harder than my getting into Harvard....

home

Ah, it does feel great to be home. For awhile, we were seriously considering moving in with some dear friends - well, in a unit they were renting - to provide a strong co-housing-ish community for next year, the first year both Chris and I will be "working" while the kids are in care 4 days/week. But, after much mental wrangling and meditating (and by hearing the amazing Rebecca Riots, which put me in such a heartfelt place), we decided to stay home - one way to simplify our lives. Despite some challenges, we really love our home - and we have three fruit trees that bore fruit for the first time - yahoo.

I also just love that Liam is not an outsider and is a beloved member of his preschool community - and that his painted fingernails are not an anomoly - one boy regularly dons nail polish while another male child wears skirts. Ah, home in Berkeley (ok, we officially live in Oakland, but...)

On a sadder note, my dad is in the hospital and my sister is facing some major life challenges with her second hubbie - all on a family reunion in SC that I am not attending - I feel both guilt and relief that I'm not there with all of the drama and chaos. For so long, I really felt like NC is home - I still miss it dreadfully, but for the first time, California is my home!

computer ama

As many of my blogger audience knows, "ama" means breastfeeding in our family, and Kalian walked up to me a few minutes ago, and said, "Mommy, I want computer ama." And that's what she's getting right now. Time to wean?

Guns and Puppets

So much to blog about - have been lame-0 with posting lately - I think when I was in Cambridge, my "audience" was mostly folks back in the Bay Area, and now that I'm home I'm not sure who I'm writing "for" - though, ultimately, I was writing for myself, using the blog/journal as a catharsis. But given all of the intensity the last few weeks of this major transition, I'm not sure why I haven't been posting - I think partially it's that I rarely have time to use the computer - and when I can grab a few minutes during naptime, I have a long list of "to-do's" that eat up my time - and, of course, I get sucked into replying to e-mail. And night-time, when I used to study last year, it just feels so good not to do any "work" - though lately, that has meant way too much netflix and illegally downloaded tv shows - after just finishing the sopranoes, we started watching heros (why did we give dan quayle such a hard time with his spelling - I didn't know how to pluralize those words!)



Random Liam comments:

-"Look, mommy, I have a gun and a puppet."

-After I explained Father's Day to Liam last month: "I want to make a gun for Daddy"

-"I have a farmer puppet. He's shooting the cow, but, mom, don't worry, he's not shooting the mamma cow, only the baby cow."