New Year's Eve Writing a Paper

Yep, it's New Year's Eve. Chris, my parents and Liam went to a party, and I stayed here to write a paper. It honestly didn't feel like a sacrifice. I'm in such workaholic mode that it's difficult to take a step back and see the insanity that our lives are. However, Chris and I were able to go on a date last night, which was great - we went to Urban Oasis in Inman Square to soak in the tubs - even more amazing, though, was that we were able to meet Allison and Adam for a drink afterwards - Ok, it wasn't really a drink, though Chris did have a beer. It was more like a big pseudo deli, and I had potato pancakes and we all dipped into desserts....Yes, we are getting old - the loud bar or sophisticated martini thing just wasn't our scene, though, admittedly it was mostly b/c we wanted to catch up with each other, which was great. OK, all of you other friends, we are waiting to see you, too. Ufortunately, we don't have the bucks to come out to the Bay Area....:( as planned. We are living off pure debt right now. Welcome back to student land - same debt, fewer years to pay it off.

Mastitis

How? How can a woman breastfeeding a 19 month old get Mastitis? How can a woman who just started increasing feedings the past week because I've been home more get Mastitis? How can someone who has never had any problems with breastfeeding after almost four years of doing it get Mastitis? How can I get Mastitis when I have so much else to do?

Aha, that's probably the ticket. I'm sure it's b/c I've been so overworked and stressed - when we were at the Museum of Science last night, I started to feel a lot of pain. I actually decided to call Harvard's urgent care - the dougie howser that took my call was pretty clueless and didn't even diagnose it - I did myself after spending last night feverish, sleepless, nauseous and writhing in aches and pains. I went to the doctor this morning, but, of course, it was most helpful calling our midwife Cindy for advice. She's so amazing. I really miss my mama community back there....

It's been tough trying to rest with all of the family chaos - both Liam and Kalian are used to getting lots of ama whenever I'm in bed, so it's been an amafest while my ama is infected. Ouch

Fortunately, my parents are here and helped out - I took my dad with me to my appointment - which felt good that I could be relaxed enough around him to lift up my shirt for the doctor in front of him - not that I suspected otherwise. She wanted to pump me with antibiotics, but I'll wait and see how I feel tomorrow after taking Cindy's advice. And it was great to ask my Mom to make chicken soup, which she did so deliciously. But I found I really craved Chris' company and closeness the past 24 hours, which actually felt good since we've been so stressed in our relationship. And Liam was having a blast giving me multiple checkups today while I lay in bed. Ah, nothing like a breast infection to bring the family together.

It's exhausting teching gender equality

fireman
policeman
mailman

firefighter
police officer
letter carrier

but most often it's changing gender in books - almost every book Liam has is about firefighters or other traditionally male roles - so I always change the workers to female - and his current favorite "Curious George Goes To The Hospital" - I find myself changing the "pretty young nurse Carol" to "young nurse Max" and Dr. Baker is a woman, of course, but at night when I'm tired and reading his books, it's challenging to always change the gender. I feel like I need to do it to counteract all of the other sexim in our society, but it will just be a drop in the bucket, but as Mickey said, the biggest example for Liam will be this year Chris staying home with the kids.

Winter Solstice

We had a fragmented but nice solstice - every year we get a little more intentional in how we celebrate this much more resonant holiday than xmas.

I had bought candles when I came home the night of my last day of school before a short break - the 21st on the solstice. For the first time, I really enjoyed all of the beautiful lights at Harvard square. I was even decadent and stopped for 30 seconds to look at a bazarre of gifts right at the square. I had hoped to light candles when we came home for the solstice, but for some reason I ended up taking Liam to Harvest Coop and Target that evening - after being incredibly sleep deprived - it felt strange to go shopping - it's been so long that I've done it I had no idea what else to get, except for the diapers I was sent out to get. At Target, though, I thought I'd do some xmas shopping - and do the motherly responsible thing of getting Liam and Kalian underwear and sox - got Chris and iPod - thank goddess for his parents giving us a Target gift certificate for Christmas. But I was so tired and so wide eyed at the prospect of being out shopping for the first time in forever that it took us a long time to shop - I also let Liam look at the toys after we shop there - he is so great. He definitely wanted to stay but not to buy anything - fortunately, he doesn't quite get that with the right amount of plastic, he could actually take this stuff home. At 10pm, Chris called and asked in so many words, where in the heck we were. I have no idea why it took that long, and I was sad that I had spent Winter Soltice evening particpating in capitalist consumerism...

But we did talk about the solstice elf coming, so when Liam woke up the next morning he had presents to open from Mickey - his favorite is his "solstice elf firefighter book"

And the whole theme of darkness/light is fun to talk to Liam about - and last night, Liam, Kalian, my Mom and I went to a great show at the Museum of Science planetarium - it was all about the winter solstice - stars in the sky, pagan traditions, christian traditions and others, as well. It was amazing, though Liam was very scared for much of it, and finally fell asleep...

Learning to be a Mom again

So Friday, the 22nd I started my first full break: 4 whole days off for Christmas. I "gave" Chris the day off. When I woke up with Liam in the morning (for some reason(s) Liam is in our bed most nights, and I bring Kalian to bed to breastfeed her at about 5 in the morning, so we usually all wake up together - it's mostly very sweet - I think I'm resistant to kicking Liam out since I don't see him as often, so we have a sweet routine in the morning with Kalian breastfeeding on one side and Liam holding the other "ama" and we play bunnies - I'm the mamma bunny and the kids are baby bunnies - or when Kalian wants to switch sides in feeding, Liam and I make a Kalian sandwich, which is a nice little ritual we have)...anyway, I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said "bowling," so bowling it was. So after b'fast we all got in the car together and dropped Chris off at the gym, and I took Liam and Kalian to the candlestick bowling ally in Somerville, a very retro, though not intentionally - just stuck in the 50's - bowling alley. It's candlestick bowling (see Chris' blog post and photos) . We did a little bowling, a little snacking - most of the fun was resetting the pins and keeping score - oh, and throwing a few balls down, too.

I then took the kids over to the family dollar store to buy lights for our xmas tree and then to goodwill - it's a great store- i bought their xmas presents - a wooden toolbench, two trucks for Liam (which I later learned he asked Santa for - one for each hand), a few sweaters and a few books - all for less than $10.

We then walked back toward the car. I offered to take the kids to a cafe, but surprisingly Liam just wanted to go home, so home we went. Luckily for me, both kids fell asleep and stayed asleep in the car and I had a 2 for one special (nap that is) and actually used it to sneak in some work on my next paper I have to do between xmas and new year's.

It felt like a totally wonderful, uneventful mom and kids sort of day. It was scary how long it had been since I had taken both kids out in the car. I was afraid I would have forgotten how to be a mom, but for some reason it all came back to me.

Part 3 - I don't know how she does it

Well, it's exactly a week later - and that about sums everything up - but for the 0.2 of you out there who is dying to hear about how that very important tape, professor and Liam escapade turned out, here's your chance.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I knew I had made a big mistake taking that call (prof about a ltr of rec he was writing that had been due that day - while i had barely seen Liam, and he was clearly missing me and it was supposed tp be our one 30 minutes of time together - exhale) but I didn't realize how much of an error until he had what i can only describe as a panic attack. By the time I had hung up the phone he had clearly and understandably had no interest in patiently learning how to use the tape dispenser (for the xmas art project we were doing together) - he had gotten too frustrated - both with not being able to do it but mostly b/c I had ignored him while on the phone.

It's interesting writing this now. If I had written it 6 months while being home with the kids most of the time, I would have given myself some slack and interupting time with Liam with a very important phone call would not be such a big deal, but this was after barely seeing Liam at night for an hour or two for two weeks straight - including week-ends. I had been staying up late, sometimes til 2 or 3 in the morning and then being woken up by Kalian just an hour or two later. That day I had two applications due while I was also racing to finish up a final paper for a class to include in my applications. I think, now reflecting back, that we were both strung out.

Anyway, a few minutes after I hung up the phone, Liam started screaming - just like he does when he's having a night terror - in other words, there was nothing that could calm him down or we weren't able to find out what was going on. I felt indignant that it had to be me to be the one to help him out and emotionally pushed Chris away.

I tried a sure fire way to calm him by taking him downstairs to look at a firetruck on duty across the street. He was not interested, he kept screaming. I then took him back upstairs into our room. I was trying so hard too hard - to figure out what was going on - I "should" have just held him and rode it out with him, but I tried so hard to find out what was going on and "talk" with him. I think I started to get hysterical, too (is that word used more for women?). Liam then got more upset and wanted to just be comforted by Daddy and tried to go out of our bedroom and into the dining room, where Chris was. I wanted so desperately to connect with him and have him vent his frustrations out at me and "tell" me how he felt - ok, he's 3 years old, not exactly capable of processing. I held him and insisted on working it out with him. Eventually, he fell asleep in my arms.

Later that night, he had another night terror. But the one earlier that night was the first time he had one while awake - that's why I think it was a panic attack - panic of mommy just not being there for him. Of course, we'll never really know. But it was a powerful turning point for me. It made me question going back to school or doing any job that would take me away from my kids 6-7 days/week, especially when after this year Chris won't be able to stay home with them (unless we win the lottery). Now I realize it's for both of our sanity's sake, but I can not do that to my kids. This doesn't at all mean that I think that I need to stay home with them full-time, but I really want some more balance, whatever that is. Liam really needs us to work through his therapy at home, and I don't want to wake up when he's a teenager and not have given him every opportunity to learn the skills he needs to survive.

Anyway, this was such a stressful time, but what were we doing the night before? staying up late to make these CDs and cards/cases for his friends - while Liam and I had psychotic breaks - I don't know how she does it - really she's not.

So the next morning after spending all of that time on the other paper and the applications ( and not with my kids) I had to get up the next morning (Saturday) to go start studying for a Quant final - that I hadn't even begun to study for - I was so freaked out that I was paralyzed for a few hours (which was why I started to write this post) - I finally got into it to the point of feeling pretty prepared - but at the expense of not seeing my family all week-end. And I also felt pretty lousy about how I did on the exam, but still had an amazing connection with my quant prof afterwards - she is so darn giving - she teaches in AZ in the spring but said she'd be back in January for a training and that she'd be happy to meet with any of us to help us out in the next quant class...I actually went and practiced yoga in the first time in forever after my quant exam and then went home to help out Chris while he needed to run some much needed errands. I needed a mental break Monday night, but then had to hit the paper writing mania again for my JC journalism paper due on Thursday - more non-stop working every day.

Not many folks around campus that last week - but nice to connect with Susan and Mark who were around a lot. On Thursday I had promised up and down to Chris that I would be home by 3.30 since my paper was due at 3, but then we were given until 5pm, so again, I wasn't home til past 6. He has been so understanding and supportive - I don't know how he does it!

three hour tour

computer hell
forgot my adapter
searching on campus
for a computer that works
but Harvard server's down
back and forth
library and home
home and library
got my power cord
lugging 10 heavy books around
nearby libraries closed
wasting three hours
not time with my kids
instead a quest for space to write
paper due
just started it
caffeine is my new friend

part 3 is coming but "isn't that funny?"

Liam just sat down at his little desk, with his old keyboard, cardboard monitor and faux mouse. He turned to look at me and said, "We're both working at our computers, isn't that funny?" Is it?

He asked me if i wanted to watch a video (meaning finding something on youtube). He asked me what I wanted to watch, I said, "organic farmers," so he punched in some letters/number on his keyboard, turned to me and said, "sorry, i couldn't find any, but here are some firefighters." Times, they are a changin'....

Part 2: I don't know how she does it

After the lunch on Friday, I rushed over to a review session for my quant exam - the rest of the class had just finished an econ class, and i was still exhausted from my sleep deprivation, so noone was able to focus much. The day before - Thursday - Chris had met with my prof JC - and I took the kids to another review session - was planning on just stopping in and introducing my kids to my quant prof, who has been so incredibly supportive, but instead everyone ecouraged me to stay (few folks there as everyone was studying for econ) - they actually managed to hang out for a half hour and Liam was transfixed by being in the big lecture hall, but i of course got nothing out of it trying to keep the kids quiet and engaged in the zero activities that i had brought for them. Db has suggested bringing my kids in. i knew it was crazy and i proved it, but then....

Anyway, so Friday afternoon i'm at this quant review, left it with very little understanding, went to go finish my applications, managed to organize my quant notes somehow and then back to fedex for the dvs app - rushed home, ate dinner and then put kalian to bed. i knew i wanted to focus some time with Liam but chris had suggested we watch some of the xmas specials on tv - i was glad liam wasn't into it, so i thought we could make some homemade xmas tree decorations. we had started a project with markers, paper, tape and scissors and liam was very into it. he was trying to use the tape dispensor, not an easy task, and i was trying to show him how to use it, when the phone rang. it was nb asking me questions about my letter of rec - he hadn't submitted them - so i immediately got my laptop out and proceeded to try and answer his questions that were layered in the cogs of my computer. before i hung up, liam was understandably getting extra frustrated with the tape....i'm going into all of these details because last night it led up to one of the most intense parental experiences i've ever had....i think it's one of the reasons i can't focus right now....ok, i've been blogging for awhile and have to start studying...

I don't know how she does it

For my two quant exams this semester, I took a good 5 solid days to study, perhaps more. For my final, I now have less than two days to study, and I am totally freaking out. I just looked at the overview of the class that our amazing professor put together, and I don't remember anything, and I can't even settle down and breathe enough to dig in and start studying, so this is my only outlet right now.

The last 48 hours have been mama/student crazy. I rushed all week to write a final paper - that's actually not due until January so that I could submit it with my applications to doctoral programs since two of them require a paper. I stayed up past three am on Wed night trying to finish it and meanwhile all week working on my applications to Dvs and Brk. Then, of course, Chris and I did what I thought I'd never do....some background...There's a great book called, "I don't know how she does it" - it's a novel about a British executive/mom who is working insane hours and also trying to be a mother. The opening scene takes place at 2am with her trying to make some sort of dessert for her daughter's school - but she doesn't have time to make anything from scratch, so she wants to make her concoction appear as if it were. I remember reading this and thinking - wow, that's insane. I'd never do that.

Thursday night Chris and I found ourselves up at 3am, no less, in the middle of this exam hell burning music mix CDs for Liam's classmates. I've been feeling crummy all semester having Liam go to all of these b-day parties but never bringing any presents. Since Chris has been the one coordinating everything, I just let it go, but I really wanted to do something....of course, I also had to have these handmade, more or less, CD covers, complete with stickers, etc. They looked great - Liam's Solstice Mix - we called it, but what were we thinking? Earlier that day, I finished up the final touches on my paper - that's glossing over all of the meticulous bibliography work to put together a Bibliography, edit, etc - wow, it's been awhile since I've had to do that - anyway, I finished up right before 5 and walked outside. It was a beautiful balmy night and right next to the K School is now an outdoor ice rink, as part of the hotel next door, so I rushed over to Fedex and called Chris to come over with the kids, so Liam and Chris went ice skating. I was pretty darned proud of the kid, all things considered. We were then going to head up mass ave ostensibly to pick up dinner, but of course, I really wanted to pick up those nice paper covers for the CD cases...but by the time we did that the kids were both asleep.

I thought I'd have so much time with both of them asleep by 7pm - a rarity - but I was still up late working on the applications. We didn't have the CDs burned til morning, so here we were rushing to get to preschool and Chris to coop and I was putting those darned CDs packages together. Got to Liam's preschool Friday morning for a presentation to the teachers of a gift from the parents - all three of them got iPods - that says something about the school. Of course, I saw that parents got individual gifts for the teachers too. Unbelievable. Then, I rushed home to finish up the online applications. Liam's preschool had a xmas tree sale the week-end before - for about $80 as a fundraiser - we couldn't afford that, but they had a charlie brown xmas tree left over for $10, so i bought that dragged it home. After two hours of not even finishing the applications, i ran (literally) back over to L's preschool for "music assembly" - where i usually come and then take liam home, but we were having a very crazy day, so I had to leave Liam there - he was not happy about that after assembly. Chris came by later for Liam's IEP meeting- more on that later. And I rushed over to have our final class/lunch with NB...(someone later ask me what he said about the Clintons and nutella) - i picked the cafe - a funky vegetarian place as part of this great folk club - i think people were expecting something fancier since the tab was on the K school. As we were walking over to the cafe, one of my classmates said, in reference to my kids, "I don't know how you do it."....stay tuned for part 2

help - i'm in love boat hell

It's exam week and I'm sitting in the hallowed Harvard Widener library. Two undergrads(?) sat down across from me a half hour ago. A guy has a scruffy face, big eyebrows and is using a big dell laptop across from mine. To his right is a blond woman in curls and rosy lips. Every few miinutes, they look into each other eyes, hold hands and smile. This is the real cause of my stress right now - not that Liam is sick, I am rarely seeing my kids, Chris and I are fighting all of the time, my applications are due in two days and I'm rushing to get one of my papers done to submit with them. I then have a quant exam on Monday and three days later I have another final paper due. Meanwhile, I can't get find another worker to interview for my project. Yep, it's this darned happy couple across from me. Well, at least I can find some happiness in making fun of other people - hey, don't let my kids know I said that...

Kids will say the darndest things!

Aren't they just the cutest?

Last Friday at Assembly (where Liam, btw, had taken his ponytail off and his hair was sticking straight up...) - oh, Assembly - not sure why I'm capitalizing it, it's not like it's an Assembly of god or anything - it's my favorite Friday ritual with Liam, where I come to his school for their weekly singalong. Each room/class takes two turns singing a song for the whole group to join in. One of the classes, was singing "If you're happy and you know it." Liam generally doesn't participate either with singing or any hand movements for Assembly. Of course, we first sang, "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands" - the next verse was, "If you're mad and you know it stomp your feet" but after the phrase, "If you're mad and you know it," Liam exclaimed "Fu*#!"

Ah, precious memories.

Gender Bending

Ugh, I was in tears today. This morning as I was helping Liam get ready for preschool, I was brushing his hair. He asked for a ponytail. I was so excited. The girl/boy gender divisions that have been rearing their ugly heads lately. He’s been saying things like, “Mommy, girls and mommies can’t be firefighters (or construction workers or whatever)” Argh! And this is after Mommy changes every single male reference in firefighting/construction books to female. I knew the external influences would burst my little protective bubble eventually, but it’s still so sad. Anyway, I was so glad, he still wanted a ponytail.

But at preschool, as soon as he ripped off his hat in his excitement to play with the bulldozer in the construction zone at preschool, a precocious young girl in his class, yelled derisively, “Look,” as she pointed her finger at Liam, “Liam’s a girl today. Ha ha ha.” I wanted to run over and, well, I should stop before I incriminate myself, but I just felt so sad on so many levels. I tried talking to Liam and the girl, who was surrounded by three other girls at the craft table – it’s an incredibly gender segregated (by choice?) place as it is. I said that both girls and boys wear ponytail. I could tell Liam was affected. Then three boys playing in the firefighting/construction zone came up and said, “Look, Liam’s wearing a ponytail.” I tried talking to them (attempted to be nondefensive) that lots of boys wear ponytails, like Liam’s dad. Sigh.

Of course, this was just after having an intense but supportive meeting on Wednesday about Liam’s “IEP” – that’s jargon for getting together Liam’s therapists and teachers (and the head of his school, which was nice) to talk about expanding services for him. He’s having social challenges at school already and then this happens. I’m sure it happens every day for kids, but it was still so tough to hear that today. At this particular meeting, though, I felt really good about the team who “gets” him – oodles better than the pathetic Oakland system. And they helped address a disagreement that Chris and I had about how to talk to him about his therapy – I can tell that he gets frustrated when he can’t do things that other kids can and wanted to honor that while Chris didn’t want to draw attention to their differences. They helped us to think about dealing in the moment when he’s frustrated.

On a nicer kid point – Liam and Kalian were uber cute last night helping to make Daddy’s birthday cake. I have no idea what went into the batter – Kalian’s drool, butter that she had taken a big bite out of. Flour was everywhere, but Liam had a blast using the electric mixer and licking the bowl – literally – putting his whole head into it.

Today, Liam said, “Daddy how old are you? Are you old or are you regular?”

Colbert K School

Yahoo, Mickey is here this week-end. It's so refreshing and wonderful to have her here. She got in this morning at the perfect time - as we were trying to muddle through the morning chaos of trying to get out the door, and it was great to have that breath of fresh energy.

She and I took Liam to preschool, and then she and I walked over to campus. She tooled around Harvard Square while I tried to organize myself before my quant review - trying to do the logistical work in applying to grad schools - mostly transcripts this morning - I have four - Duke, Harvard, U of Toledo (one summer class) and Augsburg College (study abroad) - of course, each have their own ways of obtaining them. Lots of bureacratic hoops, including going to the career office to try and fax a few transcript requests - what an ancient artifact, the fax machine is. On my way into the career center, there were big well, designed signs about recruiters on campus today - from the World Bank and the Dept. of Homeland Security - later Negroponte will speak - in other words, how we're using your hard earned (or debted) tuition money to support our repressive capitalist system. In the center, though, I did have a nice chat with folks about Colbert coming to campus. I don't know why I've been obsessing about it. I even dreamed last night that I went to the forum event and he walked up onto the third floor and hung out while lots of chaos was happening, and he and I chatted for awhile.

Anyway, he's here at 4pm, and it's been a dance or two to try to get tickets. I signed up for the lottery and actually got one, but I really wanted to take Mickey. On the KSG home page were oodles of requests, including "Sell me a ticket b/c it's my birthday" "Will sell kidney for Colbert ticket" and "Big money for Colbert" However, mine worked: Private Yoga Session for Colbert - Chaking.

After a confusing quant review session (the grad student had a major concept wrong in our calculation - in other words, a waste to go), Mickey met me and we walked back to pick up Liam at preschool for assembly - great fun - then on to expensive but yummy Darwin's - Liam's whining paid off in getting people to leave so we could sit and eat.

Then back home where I talked Mickey's ear off about my grad school decisions. Then, I went to try to do some work and saw an e-mail from beloved GrgWlsn, who works for the forum office, and said he had two tickets for me. I called to say thanks (I had asked him earlier this week), but that I had a few. He said, "On the floor?" "No," I said. "Then get over here and I'll give them to you." Good reason to try to get some work done at all today, so I rushed over here, got my tickets, gave my other one to another student and have been trying to work at the library. We're not allowed to bring anything into the Colbert event (i.e. anti free speech efforts), so I don't have my bible of a laptop to focus on. I tried to get a quant book, but it's useless. I talked to another student applying to Comm programs, which was helpful, as well as the bigwig in the ministry of Chna about our nb papers - he was worried that he didn't know enough about the u.s. media system or that everything has to be compared to the U.S. as the media ideal. hogwash, i told him and said that so many people diss' China but it'd be great to get an analysis from someone there. He claims that the "free" media in the u.s. causes high teenage pregnancy and gun violence.

Alas, gotta run to meet Mickey to go see Colbert. Yahoo.