Every minute feels sacred

What a different life having Chris be the primary caretaker - I can justify taking a shower every morning! It's so bizarre - I just tell him what time I have to leave - as some folks and I were talking at lunch today - we take so much for granted when we are single. It even felt luxurious to eat lunch outside and chat with folks. Though I do feel like I have to be extraordinarily (long word...) judicious with my time. I skipped the mid-career career seminar today so I could come in here to the computer lab and print out materials for my classes, including the first case discussion class (eek in 15 minutes) and my reading and homework for my econ and quant classes.

It's so frustrating that this material isn't online yet. Don't the profs know that my time as a parent is sacred? OK, that sounds like I'm a prima donna, and I just read the Jodi's notes about why she posts at 2pm - so she can add/subtract homework/info based on our class, but I was really hoping to at least print out that work if not actually start on it. So instead, what am I doing? Being very productive and blogging. I guess it makes sense, but I really want to try to do the bulk of my work during my "work day" so I can spend more time with the kids when I get home and have a moment to breathe after they go to bed. But I guess I'm getting a whiff of what it's going to be like - working late at night.

But my feeling like I have to take advantage of every waking minute definitely borders on the insane - and is part and parcel to how I generally operate - which worries me b/c I fear I won't teach my kids how to relax. Like this morning, I realized I had a little extra time. Did I start to get ready so I wouldn't rush? No. Did I sit down and play with my kids? No. What did I do? I decided to finish arranging the kids room, dust off some shelves and try to reorganize it. Yeah, that was the ticket at 7am.

There was a funny moment in quant class today when I had asked a question about the log of e - and when to use that as a continuous function. Maria said that people use that as a short cut when they should really be using another equation because the answers are so similar. Turns out, the statistician from the Census Bureau realized that they had been using that short cut. Scary, as he pointed out, when it comes to allocating resources for schools, etc. Hmmm...maybe not so funny.

Then, as I was walking up to my econ class, the Mass. superior court judge and I start chatting about the class. She bought one of the recommended books that she pointed out was written by a guy who brags about being Bush's chief economic advisor. She then asks me if she thinks our teacher is conservative, too. Uh, yeah.

Just spoke to the kids on the phone. Kalian burst into tears and wasn't able to talk to Liam. Was able to get the kids signed on to the Harvard health insurance, so we can deal with that heat rash...Ok, in the interest of efficiency, my next case discussion class starts in 5 minutes. Gotta run.

Heat Rash

Kalian's got it bad - all over her bod. I've started to call her spot. The heat is really affecting her. We've been giving her about 3 baths/day - now with baking soda. Liam's transition issues hit more of an emotional core. Tonight, when I was putting him to bed, he said he wanted all of his friends to be at his birthday party, and he wanted me to go get them. I just started weeping. Yep, chalk up another one to parental guilt for dragging him away from his friends, an amazing preschool and our strong, supportive community, especially Mickey. It's weird not having lots of folks to hang with - at least people we know very well.

But it felt good to cry. I feel like I've been holding so many things together - moving out of our house, packing up at Lori's, saying good-byes, flying out here, getting settled, starting school. I'm somehow the coordinator of everything - it's hard to let go.

As I was trying to do my calculus homework this afternoon, I was breastfeeding Kalian. I was reminded of when I was pregnant with her and studying for and taking the GRE. I had a tough pregnancy with her - physically but especially emotionally. Someone reminded me at the time how yes, taking the GRE while pregnant could be challenging (i.e. needing bathroom breaks!) but that I had two brains working instead of one. Meditating on that really helped me feel so much more positive about being pregnant - and she did really help me, so it was a sweet moment to be reminded of that.

We had a nice week-end, really. I spent most of it getting organized to study and then studying. Went to yoga this morning. It was nice to practice with a group, but I have such a chip on my shoulder. The teachers at the studio are young and pretty inexperienced. I keep composing statements in my head (of course that I never say) - that I've been practicing before they were born and that if they had had kids, they'd understand all of the hormonal/soft-tissue injuries I'm still dealing with, etc. etc. - I somehow have to project myself as perfect or at least explain why I'm not - I think the same thing is happening at the K school. I feel like I have to show everyone my full complexity - activism, filmmaking, funkiness, beauty(?), yoga, hip mama - it's as if I'm back in high school and have to prove my all-around attributes to get into college. And it's weird being in this program b/c so many people are so into the Harvard part of being at Harvard - mentioning things like "prestigious" etc. etc.

I think I should/need/want to let down my guard a bit - though it doesn't quite feel safe to do so at school - I think I just want to be vulnerable - and have my mommy give me lots of soothing baths to deal with my transition issues....

The first day of Harvard classes

Yesterday, I had my first classes - Quant and Econ. Well, the strange thing about this required summer program is the classes don't really count toward anything. They're designed to prepare us old folks in the Kennedy school for the fall. Fortunately, the average age of the class is 40, and I turn 40 in a few months. Right now it's about 5.30 am Saturday morning. Kalian woke up early, so I'm breastfeeding her while writing this.

I rushed over to school yesterday - of course, again, I had to change my shirt at the last minute, though that's not why I was late. Chris and I were just enjoying a breakfast together while the kids were playing in the living room. It felt like such a rare moment these days. Since we don't have any outside childcare, any time alone together feels precious. When I finally did leave the house, once again Kalian was screaming because I was leaving - it breaks my heart - while Liam couldn't even look up from his legos to say good-bye.

When I got to the Kennedy school, our room assignments were on a sheet of paper that I quickly grabbed, as I struggled to figure out how to find the room. Fortunately, Lesley, the summer program director, was giving another student - Wuan - from the Central Bank of China - directions to the same room, so we walked over to the Littaur building together. On a prejudiced instinct, I thought, hmmm...an Asian guy who works in finance - hope I didn't get into a class that's too difficult. Basically, the tests we took on Wednesday were placement tests for our classes. When I walked into the room of 20 students or so, 3/4 were Asian and all but 2 were men. I know, I know - totaly stereotypes, but I still paused at the meaning. Gulp. We then went around the room and introduced ourselves and told the teacher, Maria, who works for the Netherlands Central Bank herself, and the class what our quantitative experience is. As all of the engineering and finance folks introduced their background and the math they use on a daily basis - ok, there were a few other journalists peppered in the room - when it was my turn, I said that recently my experience has been teaching my young kids to count and while teaching yoga counting breaths in yoga postures.

Sure enough, Maria said that we had placed into the highest section. Go figure. We would start right off with calculus and other math areas I had never heard of (I was the only one), including game theory. The teacher, who I really liked, was tall, elegant, had that European short hair look - dark hair, as she is Greek, spent a good portion of the class explaining what we would be doing in the class. She mentioned us having to take a "how to" class on Excel. I raised my hand and said that I had to go to the required financial aid meeting, scheduled for the same time - apparently, I was the only one in the room. A lot of students are sponsored by governments or corporations. Maria said she'd figure something out. After class, ???, approached me. ??? works for the census bureau as a high level analyst and trainer of other countries on conducting the census. He offered to teach me excel, which I thought was sweet.

Later, at lunch, he asked me in various ways how I had gotten into that class. Had I studied? In other words, how did a mom test into the most advanced level of math? It was very sexist and insulting.

The quant class itself was fun and challenging. At first, I was nervous and thought I was in the wrong place, but I soon realized how exciting it was to be challenged.

Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky in the econ class I was placed into. I had a totally different vibe from the teacher and from the students. First off, the teacher is a student herself - normally, not a big deal, but I had the sense that she was trying to look more professional with her high heels since she did look to be about 18 (gosh, that probably sounds sexist on my end), but she definitely knew her stuff in a very traditional way. She was very poised and kept the conversation on track, but it felt like she was stifling discussion - not just in how she answered questions but from the get go - I had a very evisceral reaction to her introduction - where she said emphatically that economics was a science and that if an economist says something is bad/good for the economy that they are being objective and that only policy makers are subjective in their decisions to implement that "something." Huh? Hogwash. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, squirm in my chair and yawn for the rest of the class. It was all to straight for me, though a lot of the guys in the class seemed totally into it.

Well, the one upshot to my hating this class - I considered trying to get into another class, challenging her statements, etc. - is that it has made me research more radical economists - including some at Tufts - I'm hoping to possibly take a class over there (???). And I read over all of the articles my teacher posted - it was all about how regulation impedes society and the free market. Blech. No wonder - she comes from the Harvard Business School. When I mentioned this to Chris he commented how glad he was that I was excited about something. Yeah.

The teacher also mentioned how a lot of "lay" people after reading such books as Freakanomics are extrapolating obscure (my wc) economic theory into blanket statements but that it's dangerous - ok, she didn't use that word - but the upshot was very conservative and traditional - what i wanted her to say was that this was based on the outcomes of u.s. capitalism and imperialism. Chris summed it up when he said that economists have all of these models and theories but they are not science because they can never be trusted - there are too many variables.

During the econ class Chris had brought the kids over to campus for a family gathering - yep, he was the only dad - and they everyone met - with their families if they brought them - in the courtyard for tacos and volleyball. I got a chance to chat with the parliament rep from Dominica, who talked about his daughter who had just graduated from the kennedy school and helped him get set up. He seems very cool and very sweet, but it makes me wonder about my hunches coming true about the international students - them coming from American-influenced privileged classes.

It was nice to meet some of the other kids, but I mostly struggled to get food for my kids and play with them in the broiling sun. I took the potty out a few times for Kalian - she was so dehydrated she never went, and I wondered about our California diaper free style as Liam at 3yo ran around without a diaper after peeing in the bushes. Breastfeeding Kalian I got the standard, "How long are you going to breastfeed her for?" - by an African-American woman who has two kids - but Chris gave the great answer "til she's 15."

Had friends over last night - Joel and Lani - who not only had checked out our apt for us in the first place, but even helped us put in another AC unit. In the close to 100 degree heat, I stell felt like I had to cook a full-on meal and roasted a chicken with potatoes and made a salad. Marxist Martha Stewart goes to Harvard. While they were here, I managed to put Kalian to bed and then put Liam to bed. I was so exhausted from the week that I only managed to read one book to him before falling asleep myself - while I had guests over!

shaking on the 2nd day of school

I feel pretty comfortable speaking in public after having touring with my documentary, but as I was waiting in line to introduce myself today, I felt my heart pounding. It's been awhile.

We were all gathered at the Forum - and when I say "we" I mean all 211 mid-career students and all of the summer faculty and staff, which always looks forward to the Student Intros. Basically, we each had 20 seconds to say something personal and interesting about ourselves. I had thought of a few options. Lesley suggested humor and even singing if the spirit moves you.

I ended up saying something like...."About five years ago I directed a documentary that featured Tiger Woods and rebel guerrilas in the Philippines. That same year, I played a yoga student in a terrible Madonna movie. But this year? My film work featured the homebirth of my baby and the antics of my three year old."

At the last minute I added, "and I'm probably the least conservative person here."

I added that last comment because as I listened to everyone else's intros - it was done alphabetical, so I was toward the end - a number of military and non-military folks proudly stated that they were Republicans or even that they were the most conservative person there." Just thought I'd shake it up a bit. And shake I did.

After I returned to my seat, my hands were shaking, just like they were at my wedding. Anyway, there were a number of military folks there who had just gotten back from Iraq, along with a number of Israelis, who seem to have at least 10 people here. Afterwards, I met an Israeli diplomat who was so well poised. She commented how shocked she was at all of the TV news coverage of their attack on Lebanon.

Afterwards, a number of people came up and commented about being the least conservative, including one of the army dudes who said that he was the most. He was generous and warm. It's so eerie. A number of international students asked what I meant by conservative - they didn't realize we had all meant politically - or at least I did.

One of these people (from Chile - forgetting everyone's names) - then recounted how challenging and liberating it was to come from an environment where he had drivers, nannies, cooks, basically a whole staff for his entire life and he is now here with his family and 5 kids and having to set up everything else. He said it felt great to put together IKEA furniture for his family. Tres interesante - though he did deadpan without realizing it, of course, that he then had to hire two people to finish the job. On the one hand I can totally relate because it took us forever to put together Kalian's crib that we got at Ikea, but on the otherhand, I have no empathy.

This is totally a school of oppressors, world leaders and some do gooders but I have yet to meet other radical activists. We'll see. It'll probably happen eventually.

Then another army guy approached me. I was bracing for another "conservative" comment. Instead, he asked me about my homebirth experience. He was interested in the videotaping because he commented about how all of the homebirth videos he and his wife had watched (!) looked like they were made in the 80s - Chris always commented about hte same thing, though more like the 70s. Anyway, it was such a hoot that an army guy (though his wife does teach yoga) would have done a homebirth and was asking me about my birth stories. Too funny, especially the part about the army paying for it!

The other folks of interest - the prime minister of Tanzania, a Puerto Rican activist - have to seek her out... I've probably most enjoyed chatting with the folks from other countries, though quite a few eastern europeans talked about wanting to become presidents of their countries.

Overall, I wonder if I have ended up with a bunch of other high strung perfectionists who care so much about what other people think. Is that why we're at Harvard? Is that why I'm here?

It did feel like a good day - though letting down made me so incredibly sad. I feel like I'm abandoning my kids - Chris is so fabulous, but it's more about me and my guilt over mothering.

Oh, and I wore a slightly darker shade - pink - my burning moms shirt today - and had my hair in ridiculous pig tails for my Harvard ID - what was I thinking?

First Day of School - who am I?

Of course I agonized over what to wear. My identity keeps hovering over me. Am I a San Francisco hipster, an almost 40 year old trying to look 25 or a mom trying not to have too much snot and goopy hands smeared all over her? For some(?) reason I ended up wearing a white shirt this morning. Boy was I brave, although my shirt did survive the day. Of course, as soon as I walked in the door at the end of the day my gorgeous daughter put strawberry hands all over it. That felt great. My breasts and I missed her all day.

I was nervous walking into the big Starr auditorium (Chris wanted to know if it was named after Kenneth Starr - probably...) - there were big signs at each seat with our names on them. Apparently, we have to carry them around all year and use them in class. A great idea, I guess, but it definitely felt more like preschool than grad school at Harvard. Everyone was mingling when I walked in. I started up a conversation with the first person whose eyes met mine. His name is Marc Vogl - and it turns out he's from San Francisco and has done doc film. Small world, but when he asked what I do, I blurted out, "I'm a mom" - and then "I guess I don't have my rap down yet - I was a documentary filmmaker, writer and activist in my former life." I did that with the next person, Judith, a school teacher from Queens, who was seated next to me. "Oh, I'm a mom..." Why is my identity tied up in motherhood? Is there anything wrong with that? I still consider myself first and foremost an activist but don't feel like I've done as much on that front these days.

Our nametags also listed where we are from - if from the U.S., it lists the state - if not, the country name. One of my first observations from the large group of people listening to the administrator, Lesley, talk about logistics, was that all but 2 folks were white. Hmmm.... Oh, aha, then Lesley says that this is just the group of Americans, Europeans, Canadians and Israelis. People from "transitional economies" (transitioning to what? capitalist imperialists?), the Mason fellows, have been at the Kennedy school for a few weeks already, and that we would meet them in "The Forum" in a few minutes. So then I started browsing through our thick notebook of info. In it is a list of all of the "mid-career" students, the organization they worked for and their state/country. I was stunned. I naively thought most of the people there would be from NGO's/non-profits. Instead, with a few exceptions, it seems like most folks are from the military, corporations, government (yes, the state department), and many of the Israelis are with the military. This will be an interesting year. Though I guess it's not that surprising since the program is so expensive.

I talked to ? - who works for the state department. His last posting was in Guatemala. When he told me this, I replied that I thought that was the only Central American country whose U.S. embassy I did not protest in the 80's....ok, maybe Costa Rica, too. He quickly retorted that the U.S. government has subsequently apologized for their participation in "that era." Later at lunch, he told me that the state department funds his time at the Kennedy school. Rough life, and then as I looked through the list I wondered if that were true for all of the other folks coming from "the man." Can't wait to meet the man from Kenya who works with some golf organization over there.

I did have an interesting chat with the Danish member of parliament who is the Social Democrat party's international laison - especially since Denmark is enmeshed in Iraq.

During the director's (name?) welcome to us, he twice referred to the those crazy's in California (comparison with Berkeley where students are asked at the start to look at either side of them and know that one out of the three of them won't make it past Christmas and that people have come from 40 different countries to be part of the mid-career program and even as far away as California).

Took quant and econ entrance exams today. They weren't as tough as I thought they'd be, but I hope I'm not placed in classes with super math geeks. I don't think my brain could keep up. After the second test, there was yet another chance to mingle with other students (and eat fabulous food) - I was too tired at that point, met a few folks and then headed back home to get that strawberry juice on my shirt and relieve my breasts that had been exploding all day (oh, and to bond with my kids - though early upon my return, Liam told me to go away and that he didn't want me to be around with him - it made me so sad - though for Liam that often means that he really does want me to be closeby. Wonder where he got the passive agressive gene...).

living in cambridge

Got a call today from the Cambridge Human Rights Commission about a housing discrimination complaint I filed last May.

Ah, public policy. Isn't that what I'm here to study? Massachussets passed this wonderfully well-intentioned family-friendly legislation to protect children from lead exposure. Well, it ain't so wonderful. The law requires landlords who rent to people with kids under 6 years of age to remove the lead from a unit - or at least encapsulate it. The unfortunate result is that noone wanted to rent to us once they found out we had kids. We got comments like "oh, you wouldn't want to walk up 2 flights of stairs..." or more commonly we'd get shut out of our search - a double wammy since we were doing most of the searching from California.

When Chris was out here interviewing for his Nieman fellowship he did quite a bit of housing searching for us, but we decided after the fact that we really wanted a furnished place. I finally found a 3 BR at a reasonable price (well, if $2200/month sounds reasonable) in a convenient neighborhood. My friend Joel looked at the place, connected with the landlord's daughter, as did I via e-mail exchanges. When the landlord called me to hash out the details, she turned into a nasty beast upon hearing that we had kids - she accused me of abusing my kids if we moved into her place and that it was illegal for her to rent to us. It's actually the other way around, she was obligated, but of course, that didn't mean squat. To make a short story long, she was so rude, mean and just plain wrong that I filed a complaint. The call I got was to set up a mediation hearing date. Yikes. It's easier to do that kind of complaint from far away - I'm not up for a face to face, nor feel like I have the time, but I somehow feel obligated to follow through with it. I don't really need another thing to add to my plate. The cool thing is that we can ask for her to pay for her own sensitivity training....

Well, we ended up finding a furnished place not too far from this 3BR - unfortunately, it's only a small 2BR but the kids had their own room at home, so it's working out fine - except now I'm all paranoid about the lead in this place!

Our neighborhood is fabulous - I'm a 20 minute walk to the Kennedy school, which is on the south side of campus, but we're only about a 7 minute walk to the north side, so I get to walk through Harvard square on my way to class. I'll also be able to walk Liam to preschool on the way to class, as it's only 3 blocks away. Three blocks in the other direction is Inman Square, a funky neighborhood of fun shops, cafes and restaurants. So much is walkable - post office, library, lots of parks, even a Whole Foods, though I'm still trying to track down the local co-op...

Cambridge here we are

I'm going to a school in Boston.
I'm going to the Kennedy school.
We're moving to Cambridge, MA.
Why can't I just say it? I'm a mom and will turn 40 in a few months. I'm going to Harvard.

The last few months have been such a whirlwind trying to rent out our house, find a house in Cambridge (more on that later), pack all of our belongings, find a new preschool, say good-bye to our beloved community, uh, what was I thinking? People kept telling me how they could never do it. I didn't understand what they meant until the last few weeks...yes, insanity was sinking in.

I can't believe we made it here. Today, I was walking in Harvard yard - ok, this is going to be too cliche, but here goes, and I just started crying. I was so happy. Not because I was at Harvard (just had to throw that name out there again) but because I was out all day doing tasks to prepare for classes to start and Chris was taking care of the kids, and I was "allowed" to do these things that make me so fulfilled. I'm having trouble articulating the monumental shift in our lives as I switch from being a workathome mom to a fulltime student while Chris becomes the stay at home parent. Or is he a workathome dad? Anyway, it just felt so liberating to enrich my life after spending the last 4 years primarily nurturing my kids. Ok, that sounds too Hallmark'y - I'm taking care of myself and not just my kidlets. Is that any better?

Ok, but what was I really doing today? I "practiced" walking to the Kennedy School - ok, that sounds lame to write it....check out some stats, algebra and calculus books at the bookstore - what? $100 for a used book?...do more practice problems while sitting in a cafe. Even waiting in line for a bagel and a soychai, I felt like wow, that took almost 5 minutes - hmm...this would be so stressful if I tried to do this with my two kids. It felt so decadent to stand there and do nothing in line. I then did some errands, checked out laptops at the Harvard computer center (I gotta stop my shtick of saying how old I am - I keep describing this program as one geared toward old fogies like me since I turn 40 this year.)

When I came home later this afternoon, it just felt so wonderful to hang out with my kids while feeling so refreshed. Ok, ok, I know my tune will change in the midst of writing my first paper. I will want back thoselong days with the kids while killing time til Chris came home to relieve me. Really, I love going to the park again...yes, let's build another lego truck. But I was pretty miserable and depressed, even with incredible community support, while being a wham. We'll see, though, how this goes...