Kalian is Two going on Twenty

It's bittersweet. Kalian's development is skyrocketing. She says complete sentences, plays regularly with Liam and knows how to provoke and encourage mischievous behavior. But at the same time Liam is having such a tough time. Will I end up spending more time with Liam helping him out at the detriment of Kalian or will I do the opposite? It's so much easier to interact with Kalian because she is so engaging and responds so much.

But I am heartened by their utter love and devotion to each other. They often hug and kiss each other in between the screams, hits and taunts. One of their favorite games.

"Kalian, do you love me?" Liam asks repeatedly, with Kalian usually teasing and saying "no" until finally she exclaims, "yes!"

Technology's Weak Ties

One of my student's papers really got me thinking about the role of technology in our lives. I have spent the year interacting with a lot of techno evangelists who can never see any downside to technology - it's all about the democratizing nature of ICTs. The digital divide will be overcome, they say, like the telephone or television eventual ubiquity. I've written a few papers challenging this. But this student's paper was on the isolation/alienation aspect of technology.

She mentioned social networking analysis, which was the basis for one of my classes this semester. We talked quite a bit about the difference between strong and weak ties people have with each other. For example, one theory often used in business applications is the strength of weak ties. Job search successes, for instance, are often based on weak ties (acquaintances versus close friends). And ICTs allow for the diffusion of many weak ties - through e-mail, social networking sites, etc., but it tends, I think, to diminish or prevent the establishment of strong ties. People turn on their iPods rather than converse while walking, eating, etc. The student had a photo of people lining up at a starbucks counter all on their laptops rather than the nostalgic diner scene of people chatting. Certainly, it is not one extreme or another. And I think technology can really strengthen strong ties - or close friendships. Chris and I e-mailed for 6 months while I was travelling, which enabled us to rebuild our relationship that had been severed. He was able to process much better over e-mail than he was in person. But building relationships, I think, on-line or with the prevalence of technology is very limiting. I really benefitted from having the burningmoms listserv last year, but I still really needed close friends to connect with on a personal basis.

I guess I worry about myself, Chris and my kids. They crave the screen time just as much as we do. Many nights this semester we would sit here in the dining room/office and both be working away on-line. Yes, it was usually work, but sometimes it was fun surfing or blogging rather than us connecting. Will Liam's communciation challenges drive him to interact in an online world. The second life craze (and videogames) are popular for a reason - people can escape their real lives, but at what cost?

First "Free" Week-end

I finally finished my grading Friday morning before meeting Chris, Kalian and Liam at co-op. Now what? Yes, we had a million things to do to get ready to leave, but it finally felt like a break. So we and some other co-opers headed over to the funky Redbones restaurant, but everyone else had the same idea, and the place was packed, so with 5 hungry kids our lunchtime treat turned into one of those where should we go/do for lunch in Davis Square. This turned out to be our theme for the rest of the week-end. We had spent the year with our routine - Chris watching the kids while I studied that with this new-found time, it initially created a bit of stress at the options before us.

We ended up going for a nice hike in the arboretum that afternoon and then to a K school party that evening in Jamaica Plain, and it was wonderfully unusual that all of the K school parents/friends with kids the same age as ours ended up there as well. I was especially glad when our hosts were able to set up a DVD viewing area for the kids, except a clueless and kidless classmate, when he heard that the kids were going to watch Stuart Little, looked at Liam in the eye, created a scary face and held his hands up and said that the cat tries to eat the mouse. Suddenly, Liam's enthusiasm for the film dwindled to utter fear and terror.

Saturday turned out to be another dilemma. I had a bad tummy ache in the morning, so Chris threw the kids in the bike trailer to head down to earthfest - a music festival on the Charles River, but just as they were about to leave I started to feel better, but we decided they should take off anyway, but once they arrived, Chris called and said it was so nice that I should take the T and go down there, which I did. Unfortunately, I should have trusted my gut - which was that I really just wanted to simplify all of our "free time" and do one thing - go to Susan's and a nearby animal farm. Instead, trying to fit everything in, I called my dear friend Pmla and she later met us down there and we saw a somewhat fun kids band that our kids loved, but I realized on the late side that I still wanted to go to Susan's, so Chris rode the kids home and I took the T to Central Square, where he met me in the car and we headed down for an hour's drive to Hingham. It all turned out OK - it was so wonderfully relaxing at Susan's - she has a gigantic back yard and a tractor to boot, and Theo/Anna and their kids were there, but I have this tendancy of feeling like I have to have everything "perfect" and going to the music festival didn't make it "perfect" - I wonder how much this perfection is my continual source of stress or if it is just a matter of my needing to check in with what I need - and in this case, Chris would have been happy to accomodate (he was just happy to have company with the kids) - this is all a very rambling and awkward way of saying that this drew out a few lessons for me - one, that we need to do "less" with our free time and two, that I want to do more meditation and ways to check in with what my heart is saying....

Sunday, we started packing and then headed up to Aunt Fran's for dinner and then she watched the kids while Chris and I went out for a drink - a date, albeit a 1.5 hour one, but it was still fabulous to be able to have that time. We tried really hard not to talk about the kids or planning for the move - we failed but did manage to connect in a nice way.

Monday, we continued to spend time at home - which Liam especially likes - I think it's less wanting simply to play with stuff at home then to have that mellow free time which we all need. Of course, Chris and I were busy packing, of course, but then we headed to a park for a very impromptu birthday party for Kalian. We had e-mailed co-op and other friends at the last minute and ended up having a great turnout. It was a nice way to say good-bye to folks and celebrate the K-train at the same time. I can't believe she's two!!!

The only downside was that some older kids started making fun of Liam's stuttering - it freaked out both Chris and me. It's gotten really bad lately - and I'm sure he's aware of it. Later in the week, we talked to his social skills teacher about handling situations like this, but I am really stressed about how to help him - and us, with dealing with what is going to continue to happen. Help!

The week without Chris

After my stats exam last Monday, there was a party at a bar near campus. I stopped by for about 10 minutes to say good-bye and didn't even get a drink. I don't know, it makes me sad that I can't kick back and celebrate with the other 20-30 somethings at the K school, but it also is simply the state of my life - I had to rush back to give Chris a kid break, so he could get ready for his trip to Miami, and then I had to finish writing a paper. It actually felt ok, but because we weren't able to honor and celebrate my finishing, everything became a blur.

Last week was incredible. On Tuesday, after getting the kids to preschool/co-op, I had to rush to the library to finish writing my paper for my MIT class. I then went to a grading meeting for the class I'm teaching. I learned so much from teaching this class and it has confirmed how much I really do want to go into academia. Our amazing BokCenter (teaching training/support center at Hahvad) staffperson-Lisa passed around a TF submitted paper. We all read it and then passed "ballots" with the grade we would give it. One TF suggested an A or an A+. The rest were in the B range, and I was the only one that said a "C." Interestingly, it was b/c of the horribly unclear writing. That is one part of academia that I am not looking forward to. I was won over to a higher grade (and the A grader to a slightly lower grade) b/c the student had addressed all of the points in the paper.

During the meeting I got a few phone calls. The first one was from Chris. A friend from co-op who had promised to pick up Kalian afterwards - didn't! Crisis. Fortunately, one of the parents working at co-op took her home with him. Phew. But in the middle of our meeting, I got another call - "Can Kalian eat peanut butter?" Do I need to explain to everyone in the room what my phone calls are about? It was essential to me but were they annoying to everyone else?

Then, I rushed back home to get the car - that was my other dilemma - I would be at the meeting longer than 2 hours for the car meter, so I ended up just leaving the car at home. Ah, the shlepping dance - such a challenge for parents - so much time eaten up by the back and forth. I got over to pick up Kalian a few minutes late - guilt! Other student parents watching her - poor thing - she was soooo sad that Lisa hadn't picked her up - she adores her, and her caregivers hadn't known that she was potty trained and thought she was kidding when she said "peepee poopoo" - her words for having to go #2, so she finally went in her pants. Ah, more guilt that I hadn't warned him. Oh, well. Then, rushed over to pick up Liam. We had a nice afternoon, but as soon as they were in bed, I had to get going on grading papers. Each paper took over an hour to grade - b/c I also had to evaluate their photo essay along with their project.

It was so amazing that one student had really been influenced by documenting the security guards organizing - yahoo - it felt so great to have an impact. Funny, after giving that one practice paper a "C" - I wanted to give a lot of my students "A's" - was it b/c I knew them and understood their projects already? Or was it b/c I emphasized clear writing during the semester and that was a major criteria for me?

Wednesday, back to co-op/preschool and more grading to get the senior's grades in by the deadline. But that afternoon, I took Liam and Kalian to the art store - Liam had really been getting into these special waxy crayons that he likes drawing with, and then I thought I'd drive them over to a park, so Liam could ride his bike. Easier said then done. It was rush hour, and it took me 45 minutes to drive just halfway across Cambridge, but we ended up having a fabulous evening at a big park - with lots of trails, fields, meadows, playgrounds, etc. and had a picnic dinner there. Liam could ride his bike at will and after doing "track and field" in his sports class that week, was fascinated by being on a real track. When we got home, the kids asked if they could have movie night and I said, but you already had "park night." It was so great to have nice warm evenings again which we never get in the Bay Area. It was so great to start spending that kind of time with the kids, too. That night, I jumped back into grading papers all night.

Thursday, we had another glorious day, so after dropping Liam off at preschool, Kalian and I walked down to the Cambridge Common park for her to play a bit. We then headed over to the Kennedy school for our last mid-career women's event - it was actually only the second one I had been able to attend since they are usually during dinner time, when I would need to spend time with the kids, but the organizers had gone out of their way this time (thanx to some of our speaking up) to schedule it at a more convenient kid time. It would have been tough to be there with both kids, but just having Kalian there was so easy! She was a dear and she got doted on by lots of the women. After socializing, we went around the room and talked about our intentions, among other things. I made a comment about being in that same room during my first math class last summer and feeling so intimidatd by all of the men there who had so much quant experience and when I was asked what mine was, I said "teaching my kids their numbers by counting diapers." The women got a kick out of that, but after a woman mentioned during our sharing that she thought we were all being self-indulgent for just talking about our own lives rather than public service, I really pondered her comment. Was I? But I ended up talking about how being in a political movement for social justice for two decades - that the first part at least, was dominated by a male attitude that did not allow time out for family/self, and that I thought this was a problem. I then mentioned how choosing my next step - Berkeley - that I was influenced by the family friendly attitude there while still having very Marxist professors - oops, I thought afterwards, I hadn't meant to be that "out" and had meant to say something about the department being committed to making academia relavent to addressing public problems. When I shared my "oops" with a close political ally, she said that she also was trying to address the comment about the indulgence by also sharing her life's commitment to social justice. Then, I learned that the woman who had dissed us all for non-public service/indulgence had, herself, worked as a corporate consultant for years, even Enron and was just now getting into liberal-ly non-profit volunteerist work - uh, yeah, like we're being self-indulgent - somehow it made me feel vindicated and less schizo and guilty about this year, which has been utterly fabulous.

Well, after picking Liam up from preschool, we stopped by Darwin's to get snacks, and I ended up picking up dinner, which we ultimately ate back at the Cambridge Common Park - we were there all afternoon/early evening - the kids had a blast, and I once again avoided cooking dinner. I was also glad when Chris was not able to get bumped and came home in time to put the kids to bed - while I furiously tried to finish my grading...

Kalian's Two, Married Seven and Graduate in Ten

So much is happening at once. A lot of people have been asking me if I'm excited about going back to California. While I am, indeed, I really feel like I need and want to be present with what's going on here - ground myself in experiencing all of these big changes. I finished up exams, finals, grading this past week while Chris was away at a conference, so I dived into full-time Mommyhood/working right at a big transition point. Then, on Friday and Saturday, I/we struggled with what to "do" with the remaining time here - we want to:
-spend time as a family
-enjoy Boston activities
-see friends/say good-bye
-celebrate Kalian's second birthday (today)
-celebrate our seven year anniversary (yesterday)
-pack
-get out to the Cape (perhaps)
-get our car ready and send it on its way
-welcome my parents and my sister (and her six kids)
-go to graduation parties
-graduate!
-move out/clean up
-fly back to Oakland

Wow - writing it all out in some ways makes me feel overwhelmed, but it also makes me feel better why I was freaking out so much earlier this week-end trying to figure out what to do first/next - and wanting to make every second count. We have all really started to make incredible connections with people/places here and it's tough to think about leaving. I don't think I've really celebrated finishing up, and I just want to be present.

Burn, Barbie, Mommy got an "A" in math!

Well, a week after my last post - right before my last exam - I'm finally getting back to blogging and just checked my grades, so I will be totally bragging - it's ok, isn't it??? The only grade posted so far is for my empirical methods class, and I somehow pulled off an "A"! I am so excited. I probably had a B+ going into the final, so I must have done well - I wasn't convinced as such since our huge classroom of about 100 people taking the exam was almost empty after two hours into the test, and I was still plodding through. Yes, I am slow, but maybe the glass full analysis is that I am "thorough" - I think my stats tutor/goddess helped me to put a more positive spin on that one.

Yahoo!

math girls rock

Well, just when I didn't think I was really "getting" my quant/economictrics/stats/empirical methods- whatever it's called, I had an amazing session with the ubermath goddess, JulieCooper. She's the mother of one of Liam's classmates and also happens to be brilliant mathematician. More than that, she knows how to explain the stuff. I've been suffering through a whole semester with a prof that most everyone else adores, and I just couldn't get what the overarching point of his teaching was. Then, enter Julie. She devoted an entire morning to me to help me with regression basics. Meanwhile, as her son Didi and Kalian were wandering in and out of the kitchen, she broke it down for me, so I finally feel like I get the concepts - ok, so this isn't statistically significant to say this - but chicks rule at math!

Ok, let's hope I can keep up this confidence for my exam tomorrow. I wish it weren't at 2pm. I've been studying all week. The two folks in my study group as of yesterday hadn't cracked a book. Am I slow? anal? nervous? I just really want to do well b/c this is one class I know I can get credit for at Berkeley. We blew that stupid hookworm assignment, too - ok, this is inflated grade "blew" - we only got a Bplus...OK, back to a positive attitude!

Harvard Mom

In the midst of finals, I turned in a paper and decided to be decadent and buy some anti-virus software. All semester, I've been ignoring these little boxes that open up on my laptop that warn me that my computer is about to explode. Is it another hoax? So I headed over to the Harvard Co-op (read bookstore - it's not really a co-op - of course, Barnes and Noble manage it. It figures). Anyway, while there, I realized that I couldn't leave this great ol' institution without buying some overpriced Harvard branded gear. I particularly thought my parents would be proud to wear some. I rememberd buying them some cheesy "Duke Mom/Dad" sweatshirts. I couldn't resist looking at the Harvard version. Of course, they were much more sophisticated and subtle. As I was contemplating a purchase, I thought, wait a minute, I'm a Harvard Mom, aren't I?

Eat That Ama

Kalian's phrases these days...


When she wants to breastfeed: "I want to eat that ama! Peeeez!"


When she wants the other side: "I want Bubba's side" (note, Bubba is Liam)


When answering in the affirmative: "Otay!"


When I get out my yoga mat - "Mommy do yoda?"


When we finish: "Mamastay"


Is she trying to tell me something?

Solo

Saturday quiet

I don't want to do it

The library is empty

I want a pity party

The Boys Who Cried Wolf

On Thursday morning, Liam said he was sick and wanted to stay home from school. He has been saying that a lot recently, and when I press him and ask if he's saying he's sick because he wants to stay home and watch videos or if he really is sick. He'll say he wants to watch TV at home. So, when he said this on Thursday, we just assumed it was the ol' boy who cried wolf 'cuz he seemed fine otherwise, though now I realize that he cuddled for a bit longer than usual in bed with me in the morning. Chris called me later and said that Liam had actually taken a nap at preschool (!) and he was feverish when he went to pick him up. Turns out he was sick. Guilt!



Meanwhile, I got an e-mail soon after that from one of my students who had called and e-mailed two nights before their final paper was due - that he thought he had a concussion - he had said he was sick a few other times this semester and promised to give me a doctor's note (yes, that's what's required of Hahvad undergrads), but they never materialized. This is someone who has consistently been belligerent about the class, so rather than deal with it myself - I consulted the head TF and the prof, who advised me to trust my gut and informed him that if he wasn't really sick (he never said, for example, how he might have gotten a concussion) and didn't turn in his paper then he would be fail the project and probably the course. Well, now his e-mail says he has a note and that he really did have a concussion - though I haven't seen the note yet and he also said all sorts of threatening things in his e-mail (again).


Do we always give them the benefit of the doubt?

midnight at the harvard library

it's almost midnight and there are no seats available at the library. students are walking around trying to find a desk to study - so much for a quieter, calmer place to study than home...

long time no blog

Ah, it's exam time. For some bizarre reason, I've been very zen with my four papers, exam and grading in front of me. Although I realized on this cloudy day that maybe I've been in such a jolly mood because of the glorious spring we've had.

Though I continue to struggle with taking care of my body. The good news is that the kids are old enough now that when I have an hour I can practice at home with minimal breaks - just the occasional breastfeeding or help to build a lego fire station. I actually love the kids doing it with me for a few poses and giving me their version of adjustments.

It's just generally been rare that I feel connected to my "self" - thought it was really nice this week-end to spend a little time outdoors - yes, we've been out to plenty of parks and outdoor Boston activities (though Chris and hte kids more than I), but Saturday afternoon/evening we went out to a state park in N. Andover at a campground for a birthday party - it was a party for a 5 year old son of a kschool student (another n. californian burner). IT was so amazing to be at a hippy party again - wheat/dairy free cake, organic food, homemade pinata, and jam session. While I'm feeling incredibly sad about leaving/ending this year, I will not miss the uptight Hahvad scene.

That evening out was so different from a Thursday night dinner outing with the family. We met a few other families at this great cafe where they have a cool kid area. Unfortunately, never having been there for dinner before, it was mega-expensive, and by the time we got seated, Liam and eventually Kalian were oging bonkers. He has such a tough time with loud, noisy places - his system gets overwhelmed, and what was frustrating to us was actually, I see now, a coping strategy. 5 adults and 6 kids were crowded around a table, but Liam insisted that a big space was his and wouldn't let any cups or plates get into his "zone." I don't blame him now for creating that space for himself, but the unfortunate result was that it came across as very rude and whiny, and we had to leave early. Kids need quiet space - or at least my kid.

Last night, though, we went to a potluck picnic for one of my classes. It was a nice time playing in a playground at one of the student housing complexes. At the picnic site, there was a lot of space for the kids to run around, but I found it strange that noone came up to talk to me when I had the kids in tow. It was as if people didn't know how to interact with my bouncing accessories.

Alas, though, I had a lovely mother's day - at the library! Fortunately, I ran into Susan and I got a can of from the vending machine - it was ok - one more week til I become a full-time mom again (not that I'm not really that now) - well, at least til next fall...

crib and mom-bob

I'm sad - we sold Kalian's crib and mattress today. It's very sweet that Liam and Kalian sleep in the same bed, but it definitely seemed like a major milestone about Kalian not being a baby anymore...(maybe this is one of the reasons why my latest thought is for Kalian to self-wean).

I went to go get my hair cut yesterday. I had spent the year growing my hair out - hating my shoulder length mom-bob, and I somehow walked out with a shoulder length mom-bob. I also spent today looking at every young woman and noticed that 95% of them had long hair (or super short stylized hair) and all of the 40 plus women had shoulder-length mom and grandma bobs. I am really feeling physically old these days!

going to harvard is great for post-partem depression

Despite my sadness of not seeing my kids as much as they/I need - I am feeling so great these days (hmmm...interesting that I had to qualify that). This morning I went to the main Harvard library - for some reason when I'm there, especially today on such a glorious spring day, I finally felt smart. I haven't really felt that yet since I've been here. This may seem egotistical and arrogant, but I think I was struck by this self-confidence today in contrast to how I was feeling 1,2 or 3 years ago after having kids. It just wasn't enough for my identity and my self-worth. Who knows if it's me, society or hormones, but doing something very exciting and new and intellectually stimulating has been so great for me.

I somehow managed to get a lot of work done on another paper - I'm just cranking them out...inhale. exhale...and then this afternoon we had a mid-career transition/processing session (gotta love that public policy angle on academia) where two white guys who went through the program awhile ago lectured on how we can think about the transition. Ironically, both stayed at Harvard, so I'm not sure if they were such great examples - plus, there was that Moses emphasis that drove me crazy in my moralleadership class - but it was great to hear MarshallGanz speak and to hear the preacher-like leadership guru - RonHeifitz - that everyone here has been raving about - he had a few interesting points (including a parenting tip about how to separate your role from self - especially when kids act up and not to take it personally) but as Pamela said, if you've been through therapy it was nothing new - and it was interesting how he really emphasized this separation of role and self - I see them as much more integrated. Overall, though, it made me so sad that this is all ending. I'm feeling very sad.

Liam ?it Kalian

Huh? Chris called me on my cell phone yesterday, as I was in the middle of writing my paper on motherhood identity and activism. Liam was crying in the background, and Chris kept saying, Liam ?it Kalian. "Hit?" I asked? What else is new. "No, he said, he ?it her." Huh? After a few failed attempts, I couldn't figure out what he was saying. It sounded like a crisis, though, and I was worried that he was on the way to the ER again. We got disconnected, so I rushed home. By the time I made it back, I had realized that Liam had bit Kalian. Of course, Chris had to deal with the disciplining and the drama. From my distant perch, the first thing that struck me was that he had a totally overwhelming day and had just had enough.

He had OT at 8am in the morning. Thankfully, Chris kept Liam at home because at 11.30 he had PT and then at 1.45 sports class. Meanwhile, Chris had to run errands to the grocery store and post office. It's such a tough call. He clearly needs and responds to the therapy and loves his sports class. His PT is relatively new and Chris says (yes, I rarely go to these sesions) he responds well to thte therapist. But I wonder what all of this scheduling does and doesn't do for him - did he just reach his boiling point? Can we figure out a way to let him relax enough since stress certainly brings on his sensory problems. He's also going to all of these sessions but we haven't figured out how to structure in our day doing the therapy with him, as well. It all feels so chaotic, especially with his big blue room at preschool. I worry that it's only going to get worse next year with Chris working and me back in grad school. I'm sure biting isn't the worse it can be...

what i learned at MIT

One of my favorite classes this semester is my comparative media studies class. It's really made me think about pop culture - how it's defined, theorized, etc.

So the main takeaway from this class is that watching TV is a good thing.

Pow pow pow!

Today, we went to the Harvard Square May Fair. As we were walking about, we ran into one of my classmates and his girlfriend. He's the senior policy analyst for the Iraqui Defense Dept. (As Chris said afterwards, they have one?). As we were chatting, Liam went up to him and said "Pow, pow pow" as he pointed his fingers at him. I said my usual, "Sweetie, we don't shoot at people, only monsters." My friend laughed. Boy, that one was awkward...

Friday Night Date

With Chris...and Liam and Kalian. We headed out on a balmy night. Liam had built a fishing pole and was in search of fish. He rode his bike, and for some reason neither Chris or I brought a carrier or stroller for Kalian. She hadn't napped that day so was not that into walking. Nonetheless, we had a nice stroll down Cambridge street and ended up on the north end of Harvard yard just hanging out in front of the science center, which has a little water spray over some rocks. Liam was disappointed that he didn't see any fish. He's getting too smart for his own good. He also rode too far on his own - fortunately headed over to the Harvard Law School, instead of busy traffic on Mass ave - scared me to death, though except for Dshrvtz - there's not too much worrisome over there. He finally came back, and we headed home. It was nice but still looking forward to Mickey's!

going to the KSG-Man about babies

So for the last month or so I have been an advocate (putting it nicely) or a crank about the lack of support for student parents at the Kschool. I chided our program head over scheduling a meeting at the last minute, and my letter to the editor was printed this week. I rattled off my complaints to the student services coordinator, who's trying to put together a web site for student parents, and my program head had been encouraging me to come talk to him, so I finally did on Thursday during his open office hours in the forum. I can't say that it was really helpful for either of us.

When I told him that one of the reasons I chose UC Berkeley was their parent friendly policies, he asked me which program. When I told him it was sociology - he said, almost derisively, "Oh, that's why" - "No, I told him. These were university wide policies." "Well, that doesn't really work here because we don't have the same endowments as the business school." Huh? what does this have to do with the business school???!!!!???

Then, for some reason he brought up how the local Cambridge high school has built a childcare center for highschool student mothers. "That's great," I said. He was not so enthusiastic. Afterwards, I got pretty angry - is that what we are? Stigmatized high school students who shouldn't have gotten knocked up and then expect to get "special treatment" at school!!!

He also didn't seem to get the whole issue of this being a gender matter. He was shocked, almost to the point of disbelief, when I told him about how women which children are least likely to get a job over other equally qualified candidates. There was a HR head for MA state sitting at the table with us, and he asked him if he discriminated against mothers in that way. What a silly question. Of course, he said, he didn't intentionally. This guy was so frustrating. I now know why I haven't gone to talk to him all year - I think what tipped me off initially was when he said in the beginning of the year that grades don't matter to any of us because we will never have to send our transcripts out - he was wrong with me....

I then found out that for our MPA outdoor dinner on Thursday some students had asked if they could bring their families - and he said no, well that made me even more resolute to bring my kids - even after an e-mail went out about this - I even brought the kids in for a bit at our heartfelt mid-career wrap-up session - he didn't seem too thrilled. Oh well, and the food wasn't that good - bringing kids to those events just never are that fun as we try to chase them around - why not have something at an enclosed park?

Nonetheless, all of the parent speaking up did some good - for our final graduation party, they are offering free childcare - yahoo! Although it feels like a little too late - as my family will be here that week....

guerilla mommy

I spent last week-end and this week writing my final paper for my moral-leadership class. 20 pages for a half credit class - so frustrating on that front, but also a relatively interesting piece. I'm writing it on motherhood and activism, based on my experiences and from a book called "I was never alone" - a prison diary by an FMLN guerilla commander - who was captured. She was also a mom - it brought up a lot of issues around identity, dogma, priorities, etc. What really pissed me off, for some reason, was that after I was almost done writing it, we get an e-mail that "star" papers from the semester were posted on the class web site - mine wasn't on there (boohoo), and I feel like I'm doubly punished b/c I've already written my final paper and can't refer to the papers I'm supposed to model. Oh, well...if anyone wants me to post my entire paper on this topic, let me know!

Harvard undergrads - and mothering

Ah, it never ends. I probably spent a little too much time on Tuesday preparing for my Hahvad undergrads to come over for a potluck - of course, cleaning the place, and cooking - I wondered why I was doing that and not spending time with my own kids. None of my students had ever been to a potluck before - it was very strange. I grew up on them at church and then, of course, my hippy communities always have them. It was a fine evening, but it turned out to be all women. It was our last section (optional - so that I wouldn't have to have anyone in my home who didn't want to be there), and we were going to share our "war stories" of shooting - they on their photo projects, but they had so many questions about my filmmaking that I ended up talking most of the time. They wanted to know if I was scared in the guerilla zone, among other things. But a few women really wanted to know how it was juggling work and kids. Interesting that they are conscious of that. I was totally not into having kids when I was in college that I would never have thought of asking someone that. Was that just me? Or was it the time when infertility issues were not on the radar. Some of these women were really trying to figure out when they were going to "fit in" having kids - many wanted to work for awhile and then go back to grad school and then...that's when they weren't sure what was next. If Harvard college students are confused about this then we really have a problem around motherhood and working.

When Chris came home with the kids, Liam boldly came up to everyone and asked them if they would play with him while Kalian, our little fireball, turned into the shyest creature I have ever witnessed. She refused to even look up at me. She just buried her head in my shirt. It was so sweet - I guess it was b/c other people were on her turf. She didn't even want ama, so I knew something was up.

It's a woman thing, you wouldn't understand...

So this week is my last week of classes - yahoo - though am also kind of sad, but I still have my MITclass for an extra two weeks. When I arrived in class yesterday, the prof hadn't had time to coordinate the day's speaker. It was going to be about dance as a media form - and I had actually spent too much time on the assignment - choosing a type of dance and finding historical transformations of the dance form on YouTube - I chose English Country Dance/Contra Dance/Square Dance - including in Japan.

Anyway, so the prof apologized for not following up with the guest speaker - he is crazy busy - writing books, a daily blog, coordinating grants, organizing conferences - so before he dismissed us and giving us the day off, he asked for feedback from the class about the previous week-end's conference - I hadn't gone, but most of the grad students in cms-had - a woman in our class - a fulbright scholar from Russia who is writing her dissertation on Harry Potter fan fiction - asked Henry about a comment at the conference about a problem with gender at the conference. I was shocked on a few fronts.

First, the prof, who was probably just exhausted, but just went off on how ridiculous this comment was - there were more women there than men - they had even balance of gender on the panels, etc. etc. I wasn't there, so who knows what the exact context was - my sense, though, was that it's possible to have a scientific equality in gender but an imbalance in power - discrimination and sexism is so internalized, but my prof almost exclaimed, "There was a microphone there - there was nothing stopping her from speaking up - or any woman from saying whatever they want - and if there was then it is her own issues not related to the conference." In some ways, he's right, discrimination is larger than any one event - but because it does exist - then we need to be open to hearing those critiques. But his defensiveness was frightening to me and made me realize the possible connection to his theory that people make of media what they want and it is not this big ubiquitous injected needle of dogma shoved into us - I think it is much more nuanced - and some of both happen - and there is internalized oppression of women.

But as I discussed in an earlier post about our mid-career women's seminar discussion about younger women not realizing there is discrimination, really - or caring about feminism - what was really striking was this Russian woman's response after the class when I asked her about gender issues from her experience - she was dismissive - she basically said there is no problem, that it doesn't exist and even if it did historically in Russia, noone did anything about it - or could do anything about it. Wow! She's 26 years old. Where is the woman's movement? Are we all just attached to past discrimination? I don't think so, but what happens when women don't get it? Is it purely a class thing, rather than just a women's thing?

Stupid Mommy

Ah, as I was practicing yoga yesterday morning with the kids playing about, trying to set a good example and also trying to get a little yoga in, Kalian came in and said,

"Stupid Mommy, Stupid Mommy."

Of course, she has no idea what she is saying, but it's still hard to hear. Inhale. Exhale. I stopped my trikonasana and bent down to talk to her eye to eye,

"Kalian," I said, "I know Bubba (Liam) says that, but it isn't a nice thing to say to people.

"Stupid Bubba. Stupid Bubba." Ok, she's not even two. Should I just ignore her? Inhale. Exhale.

Wah! I want to keep my bubba in a bubble and never let him go back to school, where he hears all of this stuff. I can only hope HOAC, his Berkeley preschool can be a re-education camp.