i have a new son

Liam walked into the kitchen this morning all dressed, got milk out of the fridge and a cup out of the cabinet and sat down to pour himself a glass. Huh? It was wonderfully shocking. We usually have to encourage him to get dressed after breakfast, pick out his clothes, etc. It was just so wonderfully nonchalant - and after everything we've struggled with, so amazing. The strange part, though, was for it also slightly sad - he doesn't need us anymore!

on my own

Chris is away for a few days and the kids went to Mickey's last night. It was so great - I went to the Y, to a grad student party - and had a great time connecting to folks and the best part was waking up this morning and doing whatever I wanted! Absolutely nothing - having chai, reading the paper, and, well, blogging. Not feeding kids, packing lunches, making sure they're dressed, teeth brushed, bags are packed, and bike trailer put together. Ah. Inhale. Exhale....

solution to my childcare problems!

A sweet young graduate student, upon hearing my childcare woes, was full of suggestions:

Her: "There are so many students - just hire someone"
Me: "Yeah, but I already have so many caregivers for Kalian I don't want to introduce yet someone else."
Her: "It will be good for her."
Me: "Yeah, but I can't imagine trying to juggle and manage yet someone else."
Her: "Your kids would probably be fine to be just by themselves."
Me: "Huh?"
Her: "My mom left me and my brother alone and we turned out fine."
Me: "Um, my daugher is 2 years old and my son is 4"
Her: "I think my brother was 4 or 5."
Me: "Oh"

boy baby

Liam is struggling with emerging from his babyhood through the lens of a poopy diaper. Ok, I'm too much in academic writing mode, but there youhave it. Yes, Liam is basically pooping in the potty - wahoo!!! Lord almighty, I never thought the day would come - but detachment parenting really worked.

But he is so very sad about losing the diaper and its infantile representation. He continues to ask to "suck the ama" and he keeps asking/wanting to be a baby. This morning as he was waking up..

Liam: "I want to be a baby."
Me: "You'll always be my baby, and you're also a growing boy."
Liam: "Can I be a boy baby?"

breakdown

I had what's sure to not be my last breakdown after class today. It evolved around childcare - yet another crisis - on the surface, it wasn't that big of a deal in the end - but I just snapped when I got a call about a mix-up in Liam pickup today. I had to wait by the phone to hear the result and wait for phone calls, which meant I couldn't go study in the library, and I had to troubleshoot picking up Kalian and re-configure her timing. This is sooooooooooo hard - I hate this! I can't do this!!!

In the midst of all of the careerist stuff going on in my head - trying to plot out the next 6 years of my life is INSANE.

motherhood and identity

Despite all of my fears about coming out as a mother - I feel much more relaxed about it - I think I was projecting my overall fears about entering such an intense academic environment on my motherhood. It helps that my methods professor is very out and clear about parenting her young children, as well as other student parents that I've met. Most everyone in my class is also very supportive about it - of course, I have that lingering concern that the implicit prejudice(outlined in that sociological study that came out last year about moms facing hiring descrimination) -- that we're not as competent -- will come out indirectly from professors - but, heck, what can I do, except my best? Well, I have already spoken up a bit about more parental rights here - adding to our grad student group's list of demands to our new chair. That role feels better than this wimpy one - I felt this contradiction when I met with my methods prof, and asked her for advice and told her about the K school administrator last year who advised me to be in the closet about parenting. I worried that she'd think I was wanting to be in the closet (which, I suppose now that I think about it I was) - so I e-mailed her that letter I sent to the K school newspaper - that felt much better and helped me with feeling "out" - and it felt great getting positive feedback from her.

marx and poop

Oh, I'm worrying so much about how Liam is doing now that we're the meanest parents ever and denying him a diaper to poop in. We've just had enough. I'm in the 1st/2nd year study room and a clasmate asked me how my week-end was. Despite feeling friendly with her, I couldn't get up the nerve to say, "supporting my kid pooping in the potty." Instead, "How about that marx reading?"

saddest day

Liam was so incredible sad and crying tonight, not in a whiny way at all, but mournful - all of a sudden after two days of not letting him use a diaper for pooping (ok, judgement out there is ok only for parents of kids older than 4 and 3/4 who did not potty train by then) .

I think he is understanding that diapers mean that an era - which represent his babyhood/toddlerhood/early preschooler-hood - is over. It has manifested itself in something that he has never before seemed to have an issue with - breastfeeding, or in our case. ..."Moooooommmy, I want to suck your ama. Please!!! Why aren't you letting me. Will I not be able to do it forever, mommy? You never let me!" Ok, I admit that I let him hold my ama for comfort but he has never wanted to breastfeed again since I weaned him when he was two and pregnant with Kalian. But it was amazing - for the first time, I actually had a real conversation with him - he was just so present with his feelings that he was willing to engage with me like he so rarely does. Hmmm...But so incredibly sad. My heart broke, as bellowed that he wante to move back to Cambridge - not really b/c he does, I think, but b/c it represents a place where we'd let him be little, let him be a "baby." (even though he wasn't). He is grieving for that childhood - he also started to ask questions about my being pregnant and the "seed." - Will he be able to go back into my tummy, he asked?