haze

I am in such a fog - just had my first day of class on sociological theory and then met with my advisor - overall, I'm very excited, but it is really tough to be "on" all of the time. Everything is so new. And, of course, my cell phone went off during the first class. Way to go, Mommy!

Exercising What?

In our ever-present struggle to encourage Liam to do #2 in the porcelain, rather than the plastic, I told Liam that he couldn't sit down after he pooped in his diaper. He had to be changed first (i.e. he squats when he does it). He replied, "But mom, I've got to exercise my poop."

It's hip to be square

More ridiculous transportation juggling – I had to take my bike in for a few minor repairs, but I also had to go to campus early enough before our official orientation so that I could get my ID card to get into the library later for our tour (after all of this wrangling it turned out I didn’t need my ID – sigh), so we got everyone out the door on bikes. I rode to school while Chris loaded Kalian into the bike trailer and Liam on his bike over to Lev’s to drop Liam off at Lev’s before Lori picked them up for preschool camp at Jack’s (and then Liam had to go back to Lev’s before I could pick him up) – then Chris dropped off Kalian at Yokmi’s – parked the bike/trailer next to the soc bldg and then had to find me to give me the bike lock keys – turned out the horrible line I had heard about to get an ID was also not so terrible, so I had plenty of time before I had to take my bike to the MissingLink. I had spent way too much time fretting over what to wear that morning – the first time I would meet the entire cohort – and all of the staff in the dept. – just as importantly, I had my ID photo taken – my Harvard one was not so great, and I figured for five years, I better like my photo, so I spent a lot of time in line, putting on lipstick, combing my hair, etc. – and the photo was small and TERRIBLE – I’m not exaggerating – it made me look exactly like my worst fears – a middle-aged woman trying to look young. Oh, well. By the time I returned from the ML – it was about time to head into our orientation I trekked into the bathroom to do another mirror check – I ran into a wonderful woman from my cohort – I felt embarrassed with all of the make-up/primping, but I felt even more self-conscious when she introduced me to another student in our cohort, who had apparently been in line behind me waiting for my ID and witnessed all of the primping. Sigh.

The orientation was filled with the usual logistics – where to get keys, where the bathrooms are, where our surprisingly small study areas are (we don’t even get our own desk space!) – but what was most noticeable was how we were all checking each other out (or maybe it was just me) – everyone looked so young!!! OK, I promise, I’ll get over the old/mother thing eventually – but I just have to get this off of my chest (that btw, I got bike lock grease all over – a white shirt that day – why on earth did I wear white?). We all had the usual chit chat before our library tour and during lunch. My head was spinning so much with the newness/stress, that I took in virtually nothing during the tour – except to be so happy that our dept has our very own librarian (ok, so he probably has other responsibilities), but I love librarians!

But the best part of the day was when the other 20 students about that year of age – were talking about what they were doing that night. I casually mentioned that I was going to the Wilco concert – what, someone said, it’s sold out. Yeah, I have tickets – ok, maybe I’m not as much of an old fart as I worry about.

It's all about getting there and how you look...

Thursday was a less official orientation and more one-on-one meetings. My wonderful second year “buddy” hooked me up with another second year who is also working on tech issues. I met him at Nomad café, which seemed like a great idea at the time – since it’s just a few blocks from our house, but it prevented me from just being on campus all day – I didn’t want to go back and forth – why this mundane rap on transportation? (I just saw a book title at the bookstore – it was a how-to book for bloggers – about how not to bore your audience – don’t tell them what you had for lunch). Anyway, transportation back and forth is critical to me right now as I struggle with how not to spend forever carting kids back and forth – so I rode the bike/trailer up there to meet this very friendly/helpful guy, who gave me lots of ideas – it was also helpful to try and talk through my interests (and attempts at this nsf application) – and basically realized I was pretty incoherent.

I then met with mb – the awe-inspiring prof I’m doing a research-assistantship with – I was very nervous – of course, I overdressed, wearing my (hip?) polyester clothes I had just gotten on sale for $3 at H&M – he biked as well, and his jeans/t-shirt confirmed that I have to get out of the K-school professional mode – but part of me really resists going back to my post-partem sloven dress – there was really something wonderful last year about taking a shower every day last year – it understandably drove Chris crazy with allo of the time it took, but it definitely made me feel less depressed – maybe I should write a book on post-partem depression – “Post-Baby Mental Health with the Right Clothes” or something like that. Ah, enough about the superficial – mb was amazingly wonderful – just as everyone said he would be – he was open to my challenges about focusing on Katrina/new Orleans b/c everyone was doing it, but taught me that there isn’t really a lot of research going on, just postulating.

He asked me if I had family in the area. In the moment, I forgot that he was referring to parents, most likely, and let my “child cat” out of the bag – this has been such a real issue for me – to be out or not – but in the end I did have to say it – he was already shocked that I had been living in the Bay Area, though, I stupidly said, when he commented that I had kept this from him in our phone conversations, “not –(oh, darn what did I say?)” suffice it to say that I should have said, that I didn’t intentionally (or had I? Was I worried that a bay area native had less of a chance of getting in?) – I was in Cambridge at the time – and the reality is that very little of my CV work was done in the Bay Area since I had either been touring with my film or teaching yoga or making babies. He also talked about my doing video work, and agreed – yahoo – to my request of an editing system costing at least 10k – that will make everything easier – now I just have to get more advice (Matt has already helped) in setting up such a system.

Of course, though, I left the meeting worried about some faux pas (what’s the plural?) re: saying that I had already worked out with Elsa my work with him – when I haven’t in terms of money or time. Hmmm…

Then, though, I had to bike over to Yokmi’s – yes, again, the transportation thing is important – so read on if you’re interested in the kid juggle – she is just about 4 blocks from campus, but by the time I unlocked my bike/trailer from campus, locked it in front of her apartment, went in, talked to her for a moment, paid her, gathered Kalian and her things and headed over to Lori’s it was close to 4. After the same ritual at Lori’s (minus the paying) and a little more heartfelt conversation, we headed home – with Liam riding his bike – yahoo! But we didn’t make it home til 5.00pm – it took 2 hours to get home, in effect. This ain’t gonna work!!!

Overall, Mb seemed quite supportive of the child thang – but was definitely interested in the ages of my children and had an understandable reaction that they were kind of young in terms of my flexibility with field research. He did mention some anthropologist who took her kids with her in the field, and he asked me in a supportive way if I had childcare figured out – he asked me what Chris did – when I told him he was a journalist, he commented that at least he has a flexible job to help with childcare. Hmmm…But the interesting thing that Lori suggested to me when I explained this conversation was to let go of being out about having children – I’m already in the program. It was helpful advice. I’m not sure why I’m still holding onto it – my problem of worrying about what other people think of me? How folks will judge me?

Part 3...New and Old Me-dia

But then I went to a stimulating session on “designated emphasis” (DE) for PhD students – i.e. like a minor on your doctoral degree. I went interested in film studies or new media. The session confirmed my interest in new media, as well as my feeling that film studies is just too esoteric to the class/inequality/social movement issues that I’m interested in. But I was bummed b/c I didn’t see sociology as the list of fields that supported the new media designated emphasis, so I asked that question. I was assured it would be ok and was invited to a reception for the Berkeley Center for New Media that night – right, drats, bummer – that’s the type of thing that I can’t generally go to b/c of the kid factor. I also fantasized about Chris and I being able to go to something like that together, but, of course, he usually works too late for me to even go, and we didn’t have childcare set up – Mickey had been watching the kids all day (go Mickey!). But I called him in my excitement, and he said he’d try to come home, so I could go. OK, when I came home - I had a lot to do – hang with the kids (quality? Time), make dinner, clean up and try to put on my “new media” trendy outfit. So as I was trying to get dressed in Liam’s room and interact with his creative play at the same time, I suggested that we get “called out” – i.e. firefighters responding to an emergency – a common game we play. As I said he needed to put on his turnout gear and ran to get his rain boots – I thought for a second – yes, boots, this outfit would really benefit from my black leather boots – it was a rare parenting moment where I could suceessfully multi-task without alienating the heck out of my kids. Chris got home just in time. I gave him a kiss, food instructions and jumped in the car. I also had that rare moment at the reception of feeling like everything (almost) clicked. I now realize it was a benefit of being a “returning” student (read “old”). I moved around the room with confidence, talking to people who could make this DE work for me.

first day of school part 2 - yoga and m&m's

Waiting in line for lunch, I struck up a conversation with a woman in the landscape architecture program – she seemed pretty clueless as to why she was even there, and after struggling with small talk for awhile, she mentioned where she lived but that there were a bunch of “bums” living in her front yard. Should I have just told her that it was pejorative? Classist? Potentially racist? To say that. I probably should have engaged in a more heartfelt conversation. Instead, I just ignored her.

I started talking then to some fun and funky “art practice” students who were pretty cool, when all of a sudden a woman comes up to me and screams, “Jen Schradie! How are you? What are you doing here?” (hmmm…as if I shouldn’t be there – this is my knee jerk reaction these days) – But it turned out to be one of my favorite (i.e. most adoring) yoga students. She’s at the j-school. It was fun to connect with her. After signing up for the UAW (I’m now a double member, along with the writers’ union) – in line, as well, I sat down to a lame lunch with some of my cohort. The organizers of the conference had us go around the room and tell something about ourselves, based on how many m&m’s we took out of a jar (I’m not kidding). There were a few other people not in our program there – when it was my turn, I considered. Hmmm…should I talk about homebirthing my kids? My trek with rebel guerrillas in the Philippines? I opted for the connection I had with my yoga student, relayed this story of running into one of my students there, and then threw in the juicy tidbit about playing a yoga student in one of Madonna’s (terrible) films. Of course, then, the woman sitting next to me wanted to know where she could practice. Talking about yoga seemed like the “safe” thing to do – but I wonder, was I bragging too much about it?

After pointless ice-breaking exercises of staring into the eyes of the mechanical engineering PhD student next to me, the rest of the day consisted of pretty cool workshops. One was on funding – where I got a little more info about how to make the next 5 years work (we are doing terrible with our finances); then, a workshop on yes, student parents! It was great, actually – out of the 3000 entering graduate students only five people showed up, but it was really great to be really honest – they really wanted to know the challenges we were facing – and everyone offered concrete suggestions for issues – from where to buy used kid stuff to how to get childcare. One of my (many) concerns that I voiced was trying to make functions that were planned at the last minute or during that beloved bewitching hour of 4-8pm. No great answers but at least I felt heard.

But I also went to a workshop about surviving graduate school. All of the advice seemed relatively non-applicable to me – like “Make sure you have something, like a hobby, outside of graduate school, to help you balance out your life.” What a great idea! Maybe I could take up knitting. You know, after I pick up the kids, make dinner, do the dishes, put them to bed, then finally have time to study – yeah, 3am will be the perfect opportunity to strike up a new hobby. Fortunately, though, a mother asked “the” question. “I have a family – and I have the opposite problem of making sure I have enough time for my children.” The one bummer was that the panel, none of whom had kids, actually tried to answer the question – give it up!

first day of school part 1

First day of school - funny that this second time around - it's not as novel - last fall, Chris took a photo of me on my way to school. But the last few weeks, it's taken me awhile to fall asleep as I've been stressing about the micro-level scheduling of childcare for the kids. I'm feeling really grumpy about the hodge-podge care I have for Kalian - mixed with so many unknowns of Liam's therapy with the Oakland public schools. Right now, I'm ignoring one of the speakers of our orientation as I write this - this is a session for the whole university. (i.e. I guess I'm not being too rude by typing.) I was just looking at the graduate student magazine, which featured Cal's family friendly policies - it is really great, but I honestly haven't benefited from any of them
- I found out too late about a grant for parents
- We couldn't get into childcare
- I already have kids, so I can't benefit from the maternity leave.
It's all great, but it seems focused on grad students who have kids during school and do not make any more than the 20k/year stipend - which I'm putting entirely into childcare - and it doesn't even cover it. Well, there is a parent/family workshop today, so I will report back.

Diversity?

I finally went to campus on Thursday and visited the department where I'll spend the next 5-50 years - it was very scary, as I've posted about before in terms of identity/first impressions - mostly around motherhood and how out to be. I wasn't going to bring it up, but immediately did with the first person I met pretty quickly. It's just so natural to answer a question about how I got to campus with "I drove b/c I had to drop the kids off at a sitter's." No, there was no reason why I had to mention it at all, but it's so much a part of me, it's tough not to. A good friend e-mailed and suggested that with peers or students to be relatively open, but with those "above" me - not to be obvious about it. I think this is great advice and a good rule of thumb. It's so tough - I already feel after a few comments that I'm the diversity applicant they accepted - in terms of old fogie - or as they put it, "underrepresented students." Is that my label? Or will I be referred to as the "mom student" (that sounds like man child or something)? I don't want to be known solely on the basis of my uterus.

One student told me that many of the mother faculty members, let alone the grad students, have tried to get the weekly colloquia changed from 4pm since all of the "moms" have to leave at 5pm to go pick up their kids en masse - and it's a very obvious exit - I'll witness it myself - again, I struggle with trying hard to find extended care so I'm not obviously one of "those" people (I know, wonderful, devoted, academics and parents) - anyway, even the faculty haven't been successful at changing the time for it. What I worry about most, though, is continuing to get late notice about events, meetings, etc. that I won't, then, be able to schedule childcare for. The way cool thing, though, is that the study I mentioned in my Aug 13 post about employment discrimination against mothers is part of our reading for my methods class this fall. As I met with a graduate student mom, I asked the question about the difference between the very progressive Berkeley parent policies versus the reality in terms of discrimination/accomodation, etc., and what I heard was that it was very much a luck of the draw - in terms of who the faculty member is. Brilliant. Ah, the politics begin before I even begin....

bike-o-rama

Not only is the amazing Liam riding a pedal bike with no training wheels - I of all mothers am allowed to brag, right? But we went up to China Camp State Park today, and after a one mile hike - he rode his bike in Mill Valley on a 5 mile trail. It was definitely an inspiring parental experience - as my little babes are growing up, we are getting out and about like never before. It's both exciting and sad as they are getting "high," as Kalian likes to say. And the queen herself (I refuse to call her a princess) enjoyed being pulled around in her literal "charriot" while we "exorcised."

I'm high

Kalian's latest catch phrase is "Look, I'm high."

Says my evervescent child as she climbs up furniture and stands up tall. If she only knew...

Will I get nipples when I get older?

I took Liam and Kalian to the Y this morning - after dumping them off in childwatch for an hour while I "exorcised" (as Liam puts it), I took them to the pool to splash around. We first went to the locker room to change into our suits. Usually, we swim outdoors and Kalian has an spf "suit" that covers her whole body and Liam wears something similar, but since we were indoors, I only brought a one-piece "normal" suit for the K-train and some swim trunks for Kalian. Liam looked at Kalian and my one-piece suits and then at his trunks. He asked if he could have one like ours. Rats - I want to keep him in an asexual vacuum for the rest of his life. Inhale. Exhale.

Me: "Well, when girls get older, they need to cover up their nipples when they go out in public."
Liam: "Well, I have nipples, too - I want a top like yours."
Me: "Sure, we can get you a suit like ours."
Liam: "But will my nipples get big like yours?"
Me: "Probably not, only girls' nipples usually get bigger."
Liam: "But I want to give Ama when I get bigger." (Ama is our word for breastfeeding)
Me: "Oh, that would be nice."
Mom next to me with a young baby: "Oh, yeah, that would be real nice."

hiding motherhood

I've been struggling with how to "present" myself in my new role at Cal. However much I hated it when that K school administrator told me not to be "out" about being a mother - she was partially correct. Statistics show how mothers are discriminated against in hiring. The funny thing is that fathers are hired the most, then parentless men and then parentless women - and finally women. So I have been cautious about bringing Liam to my first visit to the dept. - or not to mention anything about my kids when "introducing" myself on-line - I am not in any way ashamed of being a parent - but I don't want that to be the first thing people remember me by - it's trite, but the saying, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression" has certainly impressed me since my high school English teacher repeated it ad nauseum. I think I just want to be known for me - and in this context, my intellectual self - but who is self, anyway? I took a whole class at Harvard last year exploring identity and leadership - of course, being a mother is part of who I am, but if we really did live in a colorblind society (not sure of the analogy for parents - motherblind society - that doesn't sound quite right either) then I wouldn't have a problem with being "out" from the beginning. Wow. It's embarrassing to write this stuff down, but, alas, this is the way it is...

Is this where it starts?

Liam accompanied me to the Cal bookstore. I had to buy my textbooks and thought that one kid made it a doable errand. I took the bike trailer and dropped Kalian off at Happy Baby - yes, that's the name of her new preschool - it's a very sweet place. Then, Liam and I trekked up the hill - yes, in the flats, it's still up a hill to the bookstore. After shocking one of the clerks with 20 books that were for just two classes, Liam asked if he could buy some "bars." Yes, he's a California kid - so a real treat are cliff bars (aka granola bars). Our wonderful friend Toni (age 12) was coming over in the afternoon, so he wanted to buy one for her.

Liam: "This one's for Toni."
Me: "What about Kalian?"
Liam: "She has a vulva."
Me: "So does Toni."
Liam: "Yeah, but she has a big vulva - only big vulvas can have a bar."
Me: Looking up meekly at the 19 year old chem major checkout guy.

pooping, picture, preschools and proposals

Hannah to Liam while he's putting a pull-up on for #2

H: Why are you still pooping in a diaper?

L: Because I'm supposed to.

H: But you're bigger than me.

L: I have to because otherwise I can't get it out.

Ah, EC is the only way to go!

So, this morning, Liam was at preschool camp and Kalian was at her new preschool. I had planned to finally deal with our family photos and put up some of our pictures, wall hangings, etc., but then I thought I should get started on these fellowship proposals for graduate school - but then I got an e-mail response from a preschool query. So, I decided to abandon the martha stewart photo idea as a low priority and kept toggling back and forth from researching these national science foundation fellowships to preschools for Kalian - ah, in the life of an academic mom....

how do single moms do it?

I had a sweet group of kids over at my house today - we're doing a preschool camp since Liam's school is out for the month of August. Chris is going out of town for a few days, and I already feel so overwhelmed - not ostensibly from the kids - they were actually incredibly sweet, and we had a great day - my lack of prep paid off - I followed their lead

- They wanted to play monsters, so I played mommy monster for awhile, and I read them a monster book.

-When they were outside, they started hitting our fruit trees with giant pieces of wood to cut it down - and I let them use our saw to prune them a bit. We took the long branches and had a parade and then used them to outline a baseball diamond.

-We did yoga and let them make up poses.

No, I don't usually get this part of parenthood - readers of this blog know that I often get frustrated thinking that I "should" play legos with Liam for hours - but I really hate it - I always forget that the best for both of us is when I incorporate them into something that I enjoy doing.

But after being stuck in the house all day - I stupidly decided to roast a chicken, keeping me trapped in the house after naps/before dinner - I had had enough - and then Chris called b/c he had to leave work on the late side and then called again b/c he got stuck in traffic - so he'd be home for an hour before taking off for the airport.

I knew that the kids would insist that I help put them to bed, so what did I do with these motherly obligations - I took off - took a walk and picked up some hot chocolate and a cookie...